Emotional Ping-Pong

I am feeling better. Much much better.

But I don’t like going back and forth, especially when it comes to these matters; I want a solid yes or no. It looks like I won’t get my answer till after much grilling and persuasion/force.

“ Words fall through me
   And always fool me.”

- Falling Slowly, Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova.

Love those lyrics. I can relate. I’m too gullible; I fall for every little thing sent my way. Nevertheless, I am sooooooooo in the mood for these romantic verses. Profound lyrics also make me tingle. Just a little bit.

On another note, my blog is actually not so dead now.

SYABAS BELINDA!

Now, to get one of those fancy chat boxes :D

I am a noob.

I want a new template. a really really pretty one!

The problem here is that I don’t know how to make my own template. I tried, and failed miserably, trying to look up the whats and hows online.

I understood zilch. I need to get more tech savvy. Anyway, I screwed all of that and just customised my existing template. It’s quite sad actually.

It’s not much different from my previous, but I’m happy with the white. Black was all… well, dark and down and emo and crap.

White. Like a blank sheet. A new beginning.

Yes, I think white is the way to go.

On another note, my mood has lifted considerably. Today was a day full of LOLs and hand gestures, noisy arcades and zombie slaughter, boys and bad geography, intense futsal and driving like the devils were upon us.

I’m glad the major shitty feelings were just temporary. Now, if I can just keep it together during those emo love songs, I’ll be fine and it will seem like you never happened.

All is well for now.

Pointless.

It’s like a real life prime time soap opera you know: girl likes boy, girl treats boy like her whole world, boy responds positively, girl decides to profess everything to boy but just before girl says anything, boy mentions that he’s seeing someone else. Girl then shuts up, pretends to be happy for said boy, goes back home and cries her heart out, vowing to never fall as hard again.

Isn’t that just sad? Isn’t it just like a Nicholas Sparks novel without the happy ever after? Doesn’t it just make you want to tear up?

It makes me feel like shit. Like some mat people walk over and step on constantly. I feel so stupid for believing I actually had a chance, but of course not.

All the nice little things I was doing for you were utterly pointless. I didn’t get my prince charming, hell, I didn’t even get the chance to try to make my happy ending come true. I got squat from trying my best to get close to you. I tried and I failed.

And that note I posted on Facebook is now just a big fat self-imposed joke. Thank you for the heartache.

And with that, she left.

I’ve seen you with her before. You were standing on a street and sunlight was raining down. You smiled and put your arm around her, pecked her on the cheek as she wrapped her arm around your waist. Both of you looked at each other for just a brief moment before continuing your conversation with whoever that was. And even though neither of you said a word, a million things were conveyed, just in that split second.

I want that. I want the moment that both of you shared. But I don’t want it with just anyone. I want it with you and I know that it’s impossible but it just makes me want it even more.

I want to tell you without saying, that I enjoy your company. That I feel safe and at home whenever you hold my hand. That you are possibly the best thing that has happened to my world. With just a glance, I want to express how beautiful you make me feel. With just a pat on your arm, I want you to understand that I want to be there for you. And with just a squeeze of my hand, I want you to realise that I’m afraid of losing you.

But you don’t know. It just doesn’t happen for us. I smile at you, and you smile back, but you don’t hear me. I try to tell you that I want more, but two weeks later I am still just a friend. And even when I try to articulate this growing need, you don’t hear it, at least not the way I want you to.

So don’t take your arm off her shoulder, and don’t lean away when she wraps hers around you; at least not yet. You can’t hear me yet, but if you will, just wait awhile. You can’t hear me still, and maybe you never will, but if you could, please just hold on for a little longer. You might never hear me the way you heard her, but if you can hear me now, please hold on. I don’t know for how long, but I just don’t want this thing to end.

 

**About no one in particular…maybe.

To be honest, everything in this post is about you.

I think workload and lack of sleep are the main reasons for all the emo-ness in the past two posts. Hopefully, once my stage managing gig is done and over with, I’ll be able to ramble as per usual.

Then again, there’s a high possibility of me getting really emo after the show wraps. But never mind that.

So, amesies thinks I should think through my upcoming risk. It’s a big plunge, even for me. I wonder if I’m getting my head in too deep. Maybe? I don’t know if the feeling is mutual and I’m afraid.

A part of me hopes you are reading this, and another part hopes you aren’t, don’t and won’t. Ever. But maybe you will. And if that happens, I ask that you be straight with me and tell me to my face if you want what I want; I want to get to know you better.

*********************************************************************************

Anyhoos, I really want in on Sarah Kane’s “Crave”, that will be happening in August at KLPac. Why you ask?

Because of this.

...forget who I am and let me try to get closer to you.

Capri played the audio for me a few weeks back and I fell in love. Needless to say, I had a minor emo spell afterwards. I love how vulnerable the actors are in this video. I think it’s gut-wrenchingly beautiful.

Enjoy.

Vent: If this is about you, I’m sorry.

I know this is possibly just the stress talking, but I can’t help but feel like a heap of shit. No matter how mature I behave, I’m always seen as the little girl who's talking big talk and blowing hot air. I’m fed up. I’ve exhausted too much to get myself to where I am and it is really painful to still be treated like a joke. I want to be taken seriously.

I want people to stop thinking that my opinions are that of a naive happy-go-lucky hormonal teenage girl. Despite what some may think, I really do know my stuff and I am more than capable of deciding what I want. I might choose to be optimistic and hopeful, but it does not mean that I cannot think like an adult and see reality.

And all the ganging up and teasing is just fucking annoying. You could at least respect me a little. Yes yes I know some of you say all of this is just a joke, but please realise that your long standing joke is one that is degrading and demeaning to me. I am not a kid. Don’t treat me like one. Some of you guys say stupid shit too, but you don’t see me rounding on you every week. I’m tired of feeling worthless around all of you.

Now, here is where it gets really emo.

I have wants. And I know that I am young, but it does not mean that I don’t need some form of affection. What is it about me that is so off putting, that some people would just brush off my attempts to get closer? Is it because I act too young? Is it because I really am a joke? Or is it because, to you, I am just a child who is looking to get into something that is too “adult” for my little head to comprehend?

I sound a tad desperate, but it is frustrating to never get through to a person. Take me seriously. I’m not here to play games. Behind all this childlike wonder, there is a girl who can form her own ideals and love with all her heart. Give me a chance to prove to you that I am not getting myself in way too deep. I know what I want, and I know I’m more than just some loud, ditsy girl with ridiculously impossible dreams.

I’m not a little girl anymore. I’m a girl who has grown through her rough patches and who’s ready for something a bit more concrete.

Nobody Said It’d Be Easy.

It’s not that I don't want to;

Time just trickles down too slowly

And I cannot wait for you

To find yourself.

The race is on the way

And I am left behind

Scouring the remnants,

Compiling the ashes,

Salvaging what’s left of you and I.

When truth be told,

There is nothing.

Feeding off your indecision,

devouring your half-promises

and half-hearted kisses,

I fall and take second place.

And as you creep up from behind

And make your victory lap,

I struggle to look ahead.

No, I’m not emo…

I just need to vent.

OUCH.

You never come for my plays. Fine.

You don’t even pretend to be interested about what I do in theater. Fine.

You force me to drop the idea of pursuing theater as a career. Fine.

But Dad you cannot stop me from doing what I love.

It’s no biggy if you need to send Kenny to football and tuition and pick him up too. But picking me up from college once or twice a week for just one month is an issue. Just because I’m doing this as a volunteer and I’m not getting paid. Just because its “a waste of time”.

Fuck that.

You PAY for Kenny’s football and tuition.

You DON’T PAY for my theater.

So why can’t you for once support me?

I am finally doing something WORTHWHILE for myself and you can’t even pretend to be happy for me.

What the fuck, Dad.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. What, you want me to quit? Is that what you fucking want? I can’t just stop, just like you can’t seem to put down that box of cigarettes.

I don’t know anymore. Really. What hurts the most is that you don’t at all support me, even when you know how much this means to me.

Dad. I’m sorry. But I cannot go through this for the rest of my life. I cannot take all the tension and all the fights.

I can’t keep breaking down like this.

I Need Awesomer Super Powers.

This is going to be a short one. Why? Heh, I don’t know; I just write these things.

I need money, like, badly. Eating out with ze college people is bleeding me dry. I have less than RM20 in my purse now and this cash is supposed to last me till next month. I’m so screwed. Thank gawd IACT is paying me some cash for helping out this Sunday at their open day. Hopefully this means I can still save money to watch Adam The Musical with Kate this 23rd of May.

Oh and I am now a member of LOEM:

THE LEGION OF EXTRAORDINARY MEGAPIXELS.

No, it isn’t some photography club. We’re an awesomely lame troop of superheroes. LOEM is like our gang name. Our members are:

Leica Man (Leo), Nikon Woman (Kate), Lady Lumix (Fatima), Olympus Dude (Fido), Canon Guy (Sam) and Cybershot Babe (me)!

I told you this was going to be a short post.

MAY THE MEGAPIXELS BE WITH YOU!

James Dean: “To grasp the full significance of life is the actor's duty; to interpret it his problem; and to express it his dedication.”

I Know I Kick Ass.

I’m still alive after 3 weeks of IACT. That’s quite a feat seeing how commuting from Sentul to PJ and back takes up about 3 hours of my day and jangles my nerves quite a bit. I must have underestimated my patience and tolerance for long bus rides and smelly passengers.

Also, I haven’t yet submitted in a task past its deadline. I’m sure my high school teachers will not believe this if they were to stumble across my blog now and read this post. I’ve dropped my “I’m Belinda and I don’t do homework” attitude. I believe I might actually be turning into a nerd. I say this ‘cause people actually ask ME about homework now and what exactly has to be done. I’m used to being the one asking all the questions. I hate this role reversal. There is just too much pressure.

I think college is going to really do good for me. Other than the normal shiznits, I think I’m actually going to build up a lot more responsibility. Hmmm. Maybe? That’s a pretty big maybe though. I’m now experiencing that feeling of obligation I’m sure 80% of my friends went through in high school.

NOT NICE.

That’s Jordan’s mantra. You have to say it a certain way or it doesn’t work. He’s my DMC course mate. He has CRS; Can’t Remember Shit Syndrome. And his best friend is Joel, Mister Face Problem and the source for all the lameness that occurs in, out and around classes. Both of ‘em give me loads of reasons to ROFL, LMAO and, of course, LOL.

*They be also in a band called Everway. When they finally get famous, I’m going to sell off their email addresses on eBay*

Then there’s Kate, Miss Indie Music. I hearts her. She introduced me to Meg&Dia. I introduced her to The Hush Sound. We have both since fallen in love. Sylvia likes to drink and party and that’s about the main thing you need to know. She also makes the BEST orgasmic noises at random moments and her voice is so super sexy! Fatima loves Justin Bieber. And for that reason, I shall say nothing more of her, UNLESS SHE AGREES THAT JB SHOULD BE SHOVED DOWN AN ICELANDIC VOLCANO.

Sam is a loner.

There are a bunch of other people I would love to mention in this post, but my brain isn’t functioning right today. I think it’s a side effect from Tokio Hotel’s mediocre concert last night. I would put up pictures, but the concert really wasn’t worth it.

But I still love Bill Kaulitz, so there.

 

 …is he not just such a rock star? *slurp*

Don’t worry though; Tyson Ritter is still my main man! Thanks to Amelia Ong and Nic Hon for providing me with great company.

I NEED TO SLEEP NOW.

Goodnight.