I was smiling all night like a retard. You have that affect on me.
I'm glad we spent all that time together. Really.
Maybe there'll be more? Dates? Like last night?
Ah. I shouldn't give this too much thought.
But I can't. 'Cause you're stamped across my brain.
:) Chinaman.
The Last 5 Years starts it's run tomorrow. OMG SO EXCITES. And that's saying a lot, since I'm not really a huge fan of musicals. But yeah, I've already made plans to watch the show tomorrow :)
Capri sent me the link to that video up there and at first I didn't want to watch it, because I didn't want a spoiler. But I have no will power, so yeah; I caved in and gave it a listen and now I really can't wait to watch this song performed live. Major goosebumps D:
Oh also, I've gotta pick out some English books. I'd better do that now.
No, actually, I'm going to EAT now. Then I'll pick out those books. Hmmm.
I really scared me when you pointed out the chink in my armor. I was surprised. I mean, my façade works most of the time; I'M A HAPPY LITTLE GIRL SCOUT.
How could anyone see past that so soon? fuck. I mean. I don't want everyone to know I'm just covering up some deep rooted kind of "sickness".
This song embodies a lot of what I've been feeling today. And actually, since forever.
I really don't think I'm strong enough for anything.
I feel very unloved.
I don't want you think of her every time you think of me. I don't like this similarity we seem to have 'cause now I believe I'll always be compared. I hate it.
I know we're new (so new) but I like you. Really. It's kinda saddening for me to imagine this little thing might remain a one sided affair for the rest of what's left of it.
It's days like these when I wish I was pretty, I wish I knew the right things to say, I wish I had natural charm and grace and I wish I knew how to make you mine.
Ultimately, I wish I was someone other than me.
'Cause quite apparently, you don't think of me the way I think of you; I think you're pretty fucking perfect and I think ANY girl would be lucky to have you. It's equaled to winning the fucking lottery or getting pair aces twenty times in a row during black jack. I'd be so ridiculously insane. Well, I am already. Is that creepy?
I hate that the Disney movies I watched as a kid have set this standard of romance for me. I feel like I have to get the person I want. I'll succeed pretty fine on my own, but I still believe there's something missing without romance or affection. Is that pathetic? I think it is; I think I am.
Why can't I just win? or why can't I just fall for someone less perfect? Why can't I just fall for someone who's available, who wants to love me back?
We set up the college gallery for our exhibition tomorrow. Wasn't too sure how that was gonna go down, but I guess it's not too bad. At first, I felt our booth was the worst; we had a very vague idea what we wanted to present our photos like.
But after some tips and hints by a few people, I guess it turned out ok. it looks kinda artsy at least and since my theme is "ART" it works.
It was tiring though. I felt we weren't working as a group, to be honest. Haihs. Maybe next time I'll learn to include people in the work load more? Then again, I wasn't supposed to be group leader, but as no one stepped up to the plate, I was almost thrown into the position (just my opinion).
Most of the other groups look good, but I think there's one or two that could've done better. Well, all of us could. Ah well. We'll just have to wait for tomorrow to know if we did okay.
Oh in other news, I'll be watching The Last 5 Years this Thursday. SO EXCITES. After seeing a bit of their photoshoots, I'm expecting awesome things. I can't wait for Thursday :)
Found that on Tumblr and… whoa. Laughed sooooooooooo hard. And it only hit me earlier today that I reblog so many posts pertaining homosexuality. A lot of 'em are ridiculing the stereotypes. They kinda snap at homophobes and what not.
Also found this one:
Above it were the words "If any country wants to beat the US in a war, just send out all your gays. It's like kryptonite." LOL-ed sooooooo hard. Well, we know Malaysia and US have at least one similar weakness then :p
Ok. I understand that you think that note you posted up is probably going to give hope , though I don’t really see what you can achieve through it. It’s noble and I commend you for that. But as someone who has personally been dealing with this for the past few years, reading your post only got me down.
You're talking about pushing those thoughts to a side and believing in life and the people around you. But you have to realize, most of us do enjoy life, here and there. We’ve got friends like any other person in the world, we’ve got a loving family, we get good grades and we don’t think about suicide 24/7. The times when the idea of suicide is absent are the best times for me personally.
So, when I go online, I’m not expecting to be reminded of the strength many of you possess. It’s not like I’m all “Oh I wanna die now”, but I’m just saying that reading your note didn’t do any good for me. ‘Cause you have to realize I’ve heard that same speech in a variety of angles from a million different people before. You're not the first to try that "Life is beautiful, you're making a mistake" point of view. I hear it all the time; it's becoming a senseless platitude.
All I’m trying to say is it’s not easy for someone who’s been suffering for quite awhile, to just get over it. If there was a foolproof method to steadily cure ourselves, we’d opt for that. We want to be healed. Not all of us are masochists. We try optimism and realism and often neither work.
I’m not hating, I just want you to be aware of what you’re sparking up by writing a preachy note like that. If you really want to help, get people to go into therapy or just get them to talk it out. It’s better for them to voice out what they feel rather than having to put up with a long speech about what they can and cannot feel. I would know; I've been there, done that.
So please. Just stop being so full of shit.
I would like nothing more than to just be whisked away from here. I think quite a few know this. Maybe. Either that or they just put up with what I say, thinking I never mean it.
I actually really do. It's been over three years and this thing I have is probably the only constant. I'm pretty sure it's become a permanent part of me. I've kind of accepted it, but there are moments when I believe someone will suddenly pop up and save me.
Hmm. I was born 'weak'- as in, I crumble pretty easily. Many things scare me and my loud exterior is just there to fake being brave. When things scare me, I seek the easiest and most cowardly way out. I pretend to be ashamed of it, but actually I wouldn't change. Best to get out of there before something gets me.
I've faced some fears but I honestly believe these minor triumphs won't sway the grand scheme of things.
I already know.
Every time I think of the word "ache", my stomach is filled with this notion of impending doom. Just for awhile. It's even stronger when you verbally pronounce it. Ache. Ache. It's a pretty painful word to say.
I realise, when it comes to loss, there's two types of aches; the immediate and the culminated.
Immediate ache is essentially you lose something and you plummet into this total abyssssss of despair. But after a really long time, you kind of find your way out it and you're ok again.
The culminated ache just sucks. Srsly. It does. It really rips you apart, or maybe just me. It's when you lose something and at first you're all gung-ho and shit. and you're like, naaaaaaaah, I'll be fine, it didn't mean anything. Then you go about thinking you're ok and after awhile it just eats away at you and BOOM; you hit rock bottom and everything just stops to matter. Yeah. The intensity there, sucks. Really.
Hmm.
Someone whom I've most recently became friends (?) with is going through some shit now apparently. Tbh, her situation reminded me of this song. It was my anthem when I was going through something similar.
If I could wish for one thing, it'd be for everyone to be happy. I know that's not ever going to happen, but mindless dreaming is worth something, I think. It kind of gives you an extra push to just slave through the rest of the day, because you believe that something tremendous will happen in the end and save us all.
Often, it's kind of like chasing the sunset. You'll never get to the sun, but you think you will, and so you just continue chasing. At least you're doing something other than moping about what you'll never have.
Yes. Mindless dreaming sometimes has its benefits and if they come true, all the better.
Some time towards the end of January, I blocked off this blog and stopped posting.
I did that because I realised I was censoring myself and blogging for the readers, rather than myself. And that's not why I made this blog, so I decided to take a break to think about what I wanted. So yays me, welcome back.
It's been a month and it's been eventful. Classes (being what they were this past semester) were pretty lenient but things apart from the lectures were a challenge. With the whole new dynamic in the classroom and the new personalities to gel with, I think it's safe to say it was awkward as hell during the first few weeks.
But I was happy and maybe I'll be happier?
Hmm. I've been staying pretty quiet on the theater front. I really don't know why. Maybe it's true; I've burnt out :( Guess I'll be quiet till May; I've got something up that month hopefully.
Oh and I've learnt that I fail at flirting. Seriously. I'm pathetic.
I'm going to get off the blog now and probably watch some Dexter. Season 5, here I come!
**For the few of you who are still reading, thanks for putting up with my mess :)
