Instant Delirium

I love spending time with you.

Oh God, I make myself sick. Having such ridiculous feelings for someone whom I barely know.

Why does my heart do this to me?

I really can imagine, you know, a fantasy wedding; even if marriage isn't an option here.  (LET ME STRESS ON THE WORD FANTASY, JUST IN CASE ANYONE THINKS I'M BEING CREEPY. I'M ALLOWED TO FANTASIZE AND DAYDREAM ALL I WANT.)

It'd be scary at first because it'd be me confirming my sexuality and the way I live and who I am and what I want and how people view me and I will be anything but heterosexual.

I mean, I'm not heterosexual now anyway, but since I've never had anything serious with a girl, it still 'might' (though it's highly unlikely) be a phase???????!?!?!?!?!?

But I think you're worth it. Love is worth it. I promise not to throw away something like what you and I could have.

I can't wait to go out with you on our next date :)

 

And in all our imperfections, we found ourselves.

I'm talking about you.

But I'll stop. Because evidently, this won't work.

Talking about this really hurts. Why do I put myself through this? I should just cease. Just stop trying.

Always the friend.

I'm guessing I'll be venting a lot today.

You long for sleep because that's when the thoughts cease. You bury yourself in your bed sheets hoping sleep will whisk you away into the quiet.

It's sad when sleep feels like the only place you're safe. Your brain is the main cause of your delirium and powering it down is the only way to feel in control again.

I'd love to just not think, not be for awhile. Maybe I should just spend my life sleeping away. I hate what my thoughts do to me.

What's the point of doing anything if you know you're going to sink back to your old habits anyway?

I'm sick.

Friggin' unbelievable.

I'm at Old Town Jalan Ipoh and I'm bawling my eyes out. fantastic. Fucking fucking fantastic.

I wanna runaway from myself, anyone know how to do that?

How fluffy can you get, Belinda?

My mind has been refusing to work. I tried to get some revision done for my exam on Monday, but it's just not happening. I think the past week was such a big deal, so my brain is still digesting all the signs and what not. Trying to unravel the mystery that is…

I'm pretty happy now but I'm so afraid that this happiness will be short lived. I hope not 'cause I actually believe my luck might be turning around. And I'd hate to think you were only paying me attention for the hell of it.

This one kid makes me smile like a little girl on Christmas day. I feel like I'm being treated with so much tender care; it's as if to this person, I'm actually worth saving. It's great because not many people have made me feel this way before. So gentle. This kid sees me and it brings on this incredible rush, like WHOOOOOSH! X)

…

Bloody hell, ground yourself already! >.<

The Last 5 Years.

I loved it. Okay. Maybe, I liked it very much. That sounds better.

The music for me was the star of the show. Amazingly beautiful accompaniment and the songs were pretty awesome. Tabitha Kong can sing, there's no question about it and she blew me away with the power in her voice.

And Jon Chew was just adorable. hahahah.

If you're intending to watch, look out for Jon's piece "The Schmuel Song". Yes, it's a weird name, but I have to say, that song was the highlight of the show for me. The visuals were SO AWESOME and Jon looked so at ease singing it. Plus, he danced. AND THAT WAS SUCH A SIGHT :P

The audio recording from a past production of The Last 5 Years.

So yes. Go watch. Or die.

*I had 4 hours of sleep. Don't blame me for not making much sense please, thanks.

Last night was golden.

I was smiling all night like a retard. You have that affect on me.

I'm glad we spent all that time together. Really.

Maybe there'll be more? Dates? Like last night?

Ah. I shouldn't give this too much thought.

But I can't. 'Cause you're stamped across my brain.

:) Chinaman.

I was not paid to promote.

"The Next Ten Minutes" from the original Off-Broadway production.

The Last 5 Years starts it's run tomorrow. OMG SO EXCITES. And that's saying a lot, since I'm not really a huge fan of musicals. But yeah, I've already made plans to watch the show tomorrow :)

Capri sent me the link to that video up there and at first I didn't want to watch it, because I didn't want a spoiler. But I have no will power, so yeah; I caved in and gave it a listen and now I really can't wait to watch this song performed live. Major goosebumps D:

Oh also, I've gotta pick out some English books. I'd better do that now.

No, actually, I'm going to EAT now. Then I'll pick out those books. Hmmm.

I've been found out.

I really scared me when you pointed out the chink in my armor. I was surprised. I mean, my façade works most of the time; I'M A HAPPY LITTLE GIRL SCOUT.

How could anyone see past that so soon? fuck. I mean. I don't want everyone to know I'm just covering up some deep rooted kind of "sickness".

Radiohead's Creep done acoustic.

This song embodies a lot of what I've been feeling today. And actually, since forever.

I really don't think I'm strong enough for anything.

I feel very unloved.

I'm not okay, but I'll be alright?

I don't want you think of her every time you think of me. I don't like this similarity we seem to have 'cause now I believe I'll always be compared. I hate it.

I know we're new (so new) but I like you. Really. It's kinda saddening for me to imagine this little thing might remain a one sided affair for the rest of what's left of it.

It's days like these when I wish I was pretty, I wish I knew the right things to say, I wish I had natural charm and grace and I wish I knew how to make you mine.

Ultimately, I wish I was someone other than me.

'Cause quite apparently, you don't think of me the way I think of you; I think you're pretty fucking perfect and I think ANY girl would be lucky to have you. It's equaled to winning the fucking lottery or getting pair aces twenty times in a row during black jack. I'd be so ridiculously insane. Well, I am already. Is that creepy?

I hate that the Disney movies I watched as a kid have set this standard of romance for me. I feel like I have to get the person I want. I'll succeed pretty fine on my own, but I still believe there's something missing without romance or affection. Is that pathetic? I think it is; I think I am.

Why can't I just win? or why can't I just fall for someone less perfect? Why can't I just fall for someone who's available, who wants to love me back?