Testing, 54321.

as the title proposes…

Stephen Crane's In The Desert

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter – bitter", he answered,
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart."

Post-Langkawi Blues.

Not even a week back in KL and already the weight and heartache of city life has set in.

Everything seemed better in Langkawi.

The sky was bluer. The sun was brighter. The air was fresher. The streets were cleaner. The people were happier.

And there was still the possibility of…something for you and I.

I want to go back. Or rather I want to run away from here. These KL blues make me want to be someone else entirely.

Even my dreams were better… the dream I woke up with today morning terrified me. You left.

Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back.

And recently I've been very touchy about sexuality. It hurts me that there's still so much hate. Doesn't matter if it's KL, Langkawi, USA; there's so much hate everywhere.

Everything to do with homophobia strikes a chord with me nowadays.

When will I be able to feel safe and secure with admitting that I like girls as well as guys? Sometimes, it makes me question if I'll ever be comfortable in my own skin.

Everything seems easier in a heterosexual world.

Mood: Disheartened.

Chase. Chase. Chase. Pit Stop. Chase.

I'm waking up next to nothing after dreaming of you and me.

- Radio by Alkaline Trio

This isn't a romantic song. It's actually about revenge. But these lyrics specifically were carefully constructed to inflict nostalgia and woe… must be.

I guess it's time for a rest? I already had a brief time in the beginning of May to recuperate and sort my shit out. However, the manic-ness of the last two weeks or so have driven me slightly over the point of sanity.

Need this time to rewire my brain. It has to stop thinking about you every few minutes. It's a glitch that must be fixed because I can't afford to care so much about someone who shows all signs of being out of reach.

Perhaps the next time we meet, I'll be a composed young lady who isn't giddy and in love.

Eh, jap jap jap. Love? When did this come into the picture? Gone lah. Kantoi. How's that song from Hercules? At least out loud, I won't say I'm in love.

Even more reason for me to get away from all these stupid emotions and feeeeeelings. So gross and so beautiful and wonderful at the same time.

I swear, I can't win.

I'm no Charlie Sheen.

P/S: I will do my best to remedy and heal. You cause me more distress than joy anyway. I will be happy and I simply must be because anything else isn't worth my time.

Langkawi, you will be unforgettable.

Song montage 7,915,204 for heartache number 3.

You stole my heart and then you kicked it aside. But do you really feel alive without me? Are you mine, not just when you wanna be, all the time?  Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart. Driving in your car, I never, never want to go home. Maybe you’re gonna be the one that saves me. I might as well write the words right on my face that all I want is you. I can't explain why it's not enough 'cause I gave it all to you. Does he drive you wild or just mildly free? She took my heart; I think she took my soul. If everything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again. I’ll wait for you but I can’t wait forever.  I know we can make it if we take it slow. I cannot stop thinking about you, I cannot stop wondering if you are constantly thinking about me. What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me? You get used to the pain. Love you so much, it makes me sick. I don't know why I fight for you this way. You know what I wanted, I gave what I gave. Would I be out of line if I said I miss you? Aku pergi tapi aku kembali. All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here in my arms. I wished I was special; you're so very special. You are everything I want ‘cause you are everything I’m not.

We've got to make a decision because this isn't healthy.

An excuse of sorts.

I've vowed so many times to keep this blog going, but the lack of wi-fi at home has become a real pain. It's about 3 months now and it's played a huge part in my cyber absence.

Yes, there are tons of spots around college with wi-fi and all, but because I rarely have spare time, when I do get online, I spend it updating all the necessary portals first; I reply emails, I get back to all my adoring fans on Facebook, reply all the belated tweets and of course, queue up my Tumblr.

…okay, so maybe I have begun to prioritize Tumblr over this blog, but I promise, it is only because I don't want to spend my scarce internet time thinking of what to share and what to hide on this blog.

I miss blogging here tons, but… I've got my little white book of secrets now which has sated the blogging itch. I think that book is almost have full and it's been less than two months since I began writing in it. I'll probably need to get another one soon.

"Then I guess we should just be friends" "I'm just kidding Holly, you know that I'll love you till the end"

Those are lyrics from one of my most recent drugs – "Well It's True That We Love One Another", The White Stripes.

NOT THAT I'VE FOUND ANYONE I'D LOVE TILL THE END! well… maybe Capri and the girls. definitely not myself. but we will not digress; I have to explain my heartache for her. it's been awhile and I am still hooked.

oh c'mon; you must have guessed I would rant a bit about ze non-existent love life at some point right.

Here's an excerpt from my would-be journal that explains how I've been holding up (not).

"…I've gotten used to the idea of being expendable. And I accept now that nothing lasts forever and since that's the case, nothing is usually worth the heartache. Oh I sound like a sad fat girl who will miss out on life…well, I am… I've become a hateful thing."

That's the horrible mindset that's plagued me. It really sucks balls. It was a significant low point in the course of things that were to happen and I guess you could say I was on the brink of giving up because I felt like a weakling. I felt… unnecessary. and pretty fucking unloved.

The thing here is that I still miss her as much as I did a month ago. And that's not good because she got along pretty darn well in my absence. And shit that fucking hard to admit.

Am I friggin' delirious? I don't know but I'm afraid that we might just be friends… which we are now, but I don't want that…I think. I mean, I want to be friends but more, just not yet.

Ok fuck the romantic shit; I want to have a shot. Yes, that's it. I want to have a chance to see if this can go anywhere. And I don't think two weeks is a fair duration. Not at all. I don't want to give up on this possibility, if there's even one.

I mean I tried for a bit to stop the madness and the want, but the minute there was even a glimmer of hope, I fell back into the insanity that seems to envelope her.

Oh shit I can't believe I'm writing about this here. fuckfuckfuck.

After being apart for a pretty long time, we recently spoke again. And that day was pretty darn great and I was wrapped around her finger again. Just like that. But damn, I know that I will remember that day for a really long time, because it was the stuff great scripts are made of.

I wrote something on Tumblr which was more detailed and I can't post it here because I'm afraid I might be found out. (yes, that's another reason I rant on tumblr a lot, because not a lot of people I know have me on there and I couldn't give two fucks if a stranger thought I was a pathetic piece of shit).

As I said earlier, I miss her and I think I'm beginning to accept(?) that I'm a bit past just crushing and probably that is what scares me the most. It's been awhile since the reality of what can and can't happen has been so in my face.

I'm scared and that's the truth and she knows because my façade just doesn't work with her. Since the first week, she could always read me.

And that makes me question why nothing has happened between us yet.

oh shit I'm striking out a lot of things; it's like all my secrets are tumbling out.

and notice how all the strike outs only begin when I start talking about her?

Fuck.

I wish I knew what I should do, like, some kind of meter which could tell me if my actions are doing me any good at all because, lately, it's been hard to trust myself.

Especially around her.

These things take time, love.

This blogger is very upset with herself. I should be fine and dandy by now. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

See, it's easy to decide you're going to be happier; it's a whole other thing to actually put it into practice. I made the decision to be happier last year when I performed in Singapore. I had this brilliant (and simple) epiphany while I was there; I needed to do more things that made me happy. Sadly, I think for the past few months I've been doing the exact opposite.

Theater was always this outlet of great escape for me. It was reassuring knowing I could transform myself (convincingly I hope) into whatever character I needed to portray. I think that's what I loved about acting the most; the feeling of control and that most times I could completely become another person.

Of course, that view has changed a bit since then. I've learned to really appreciate writing and the work that goes into creating an amazing and truthful performance. Even so, I still find a lot of comfort and "Zen" when I manage to pull off the right intentions.

I haven't performed in a proper stage production since MukaBuku. It's been almost six months. The interactive theater bit that I was involved in earlier this year (while I enjoyed it) just wasn't enough I guess. I miss performing. The bump-in period, the rush to get lines down, the horrible/hilarious fuck ups. So I ask myself; if acting brings me so much joy, why have I stopped?

It's been puzzling me for such a long time. I just… I really don't understand it. Every time I try to solve this mystery, I feel my chest grow really uneasy. I'm completely at a loss.

And I feel to some extent, my lack of involvement in performing arts has led me to the rut I'm in. I had something to lift me up last time when the world got in the way of my peace of mind. Now, I've lost that security and confidence and I feel very vulnerable.

I've grown a lot as a person and I know I'm still struggling with a lot of things. I understand and accept that I've got a lot of issues to address and sort out and come to terms with. I guess it takes time.

But I really would like to believe that I am on the road to recovery, even if it's just a tentative step in that direction. I'd like to believe I haven't yet done all I can do to help myself and there's still a chance that one day I'll find resolve. Like boom, one day I'll wake up and I'll be where I want to be.

I hope these aren't just empty words but one day, I hope I will be happy.

The High before the Crash.

8 years.

FUCK YOU. 8 years. I tried to be the best I could be to you. And now you're gonna just stop? No explanation, no calls, no texts, no nothing.

I'm damn tired of it. I've been feeling like crap this past two months, trying to salvage the friendship we had. But I am so done putting myself out there for you.

FUCK YOU. I found it in me to abandon my ego and you just sit there on your ass like you're fucking royalty and just brush me aside. What gives you the right to do that? You don't even have the balls to own up to it. You run and run and run. You can't look me in the eye.

I guess now I know what I ever meant to you. You were ready to let me fall at any given time. BECAUSE ALL YOU EVER REALLY GAVE A FUCK ABOUT WAS YOURSELF. To some extent, I can understand that; you need to put yourself first. But I never got in the way of that. So just tell me why you're just trampling all over me?

You know. This post was supposed to be about how great my birthday was, it was supposed to be about the girl I like, it was going to be about how awesome the past few days have been.

Well, thanks for bringing me back to reality. If I can spend 8 years trying to please someone and still somehow not be enough, I guess there's no point even hoping I'll ever mean anything to anyone.

Yeah, I'm letting you know the wreck you're leaving behind. But honest to God, I'm so sick of investing myself in relationships. Fuck it.

Thanks for teaching me a lesson I'll keep forever; the only person who can ever truly love you is yourself.

I'm not letting anyone in.

Wanker

Gonna wank off about my feeeeelings and gratitude now.

I have some of the bestest most awesome friends. I may not be Miss Popular or whatever, but I'd choose quality or quantity any day. And my friends are like fine fucking top notch Persian rugs.

Some of the texts I've been getting have reminded me of the awesome support system I have. I like that though we drift apart now and then, they'll always be there, as I'll always be for them.

These people are pretty good reason to continue pushing forward and enduring all the curveballs.

I feel very very loved.

It's my Birthday!

Yeaaaah. I'm spending my birthday at Old Town White Coffee Jalan Ipoh. FUN? INDEED.

My family threw a little dinner party for me last night. It was a small event; the usual suspects were there and we spent most of the nights reminiscing. Of course, tons of my blunders and epic fail moments came about, but it was nice to remind ourselves of how silly we were as kids (not that I'm not still a kid anyway).

After, me, Nicky, Bernice and Denice went out for drinks at Brussels in JayaOne. Stayed out till after midnight and went straight home after 'cause I was completely drained. My cousins weren't really drinkers so we cut the night pretty short.

At midnight, quite a few people texted and called me to wish me happy birthday. But because I was so exhausted and kinda out of it, I didn't reply most of the texts. And when I woke up today, there were 5 missed calls on my phone and like 11 texts. I slept through all of the ringing :3

So. Today is laid back. A nice laid back birthday. I might be going out with someone later, but the fella still sleeping lah. hahahaha And later tonight, I'm gatecrashing a party. Late night board games, here I come!

Yes, so it may look now that my birthday is gonna be pretty boring. But my girls helped plan me a party for tomorrow night :D (Srsly, you guys, I love you both for organizing the whole thing, really)

I'll update more on that after it actually happens. But I'm really looking forward to tomorrow :)