One Giant Leap for Me.

Hey, birthday boy. I think I can safely say your mix tape list is prepared. Now all I need is to get the CD and voila!

So far so good, eh? Those speed bumps are things that will eventually fade. It's not a problem for you and I, it's just a thing. A thing which will eventually die off and leave us be.

Besides, I trust you.

 

LOL, Belinda, you don't sound like yourself. You've obviously been gotten pretty badly.

Oh and, you are the Oliver Woods and Ron Weasley of Quidditch.

GEDDIT, GEDDIT, GEDDIT?! HEEHEEEEEEE.

The Night of Sleeplessness.

I have been lying in bed for the past 4 hours but sleep has not come to claim me.

In between trying to force myself asleep, I started contemplating the universe, my existence and everything else under the sun (as one usually does when one cannot sleep).

My mind drifted. And it came to a scary revelation:

I still think about it. Almost everyday, I think about it. It's been close to three years since I last cut and still I'm convinced that there is only one possible conclusion.

This feeling of worthlessness and impending failure in career, love and life has somehow made its home in my brain. For 3 years I have thought it to have left me, but all this time it's been here. I just haven't noticed it.

Or I have noticed it but thought nothing of it. I caught myself last week thinking of this dark stuff but I dismissed it because I thought, hey, everyone has felt like giving up at some point and I'm allowed to have a down day.

I didn't realise until just now that these thoughts come to me almost daily. I remember thinking of it yesterday, the day before as well.

Now everything is coming back. Everything. And I realise that nothing has changed.

Sometimes I feel the urge is so strong I want to just throw myself out the window. Or take a dangerous stroll at 3am in the morning. Find a way to make it seem like an accident so that people will mourn and not hate me for being a selfish coward. Because I know I am one, but that's not what I want to be remembered as.

Some days I curse myself for not having the guts to just go through with it and end it once and for all.

And thanks to tonight's wonderful discovery, I feel it all.

I thought I'd made progress. I thought I wasn't that girl anymore. I thought I could beat it.

In so many ways, tonight has shown me that I am so much like my mom, the person I probably detest the most. I am so much like her and it makes me sick.

All this could have been avoided if I'd just swallowed a few more pills back in 2007, if I hadn't told that guy about what I'd done and just gotten into a cab and waited somewhere for the pills to work their magic.

But I was a coward then just like I am a coward now. Too cowardly to wait for the future and too much of a coward to take matters into my own hands. That's how useless I am.

I feel like that kid again when her parents split up, Standing in the kitchen, ready to strike, but waiting for someone to come home and stop her.

Argggggh, all these noises and voices in my head. I'm nothing! Just let me be, Just let me be.

It seems inevitable. It might be tomorrow. It might be a year from now. It might even be when I am 70. But I just know it's the only way,

I love how irregularly I blog.

2008 – 8 posts

2009 – 15 posts

2010 – 133 posts

2011 – 35 (thus far and excluding this one)

Currently at Old Town White Coffee, Jaya One with Ashraf.

SO HERE'S A VIRTUAL INTERNET SHOUT OUT TO HIM, whoots whoots!

oh wait I forgot. HE'S TOO COOL FOR THE INTERNET.

anywaaaaaays. My battery is dying and this post is just here for the sake of being a post.

Maybe next week when I'm not so tired (YEAH RIGHT) I'll post up something that's more substantial.

Till then, fuck you and you and you and most definitely, Ashraf.

That good/bad after taste.

I've picked up smoking.

For the most part of my childhood and adolescence, I hated the smell of cigarettes (and I still do, off and on). I was even once so naïve as to say I would never pick up smoking, NEVER. But here I am, enjoying almost a pack a week.

I don't flaunt it out in public; I wouldn't call myself a social smoker. Most often, I have a cigarette at home, in secret. I rarely smoke with friends. Maybe one or two sticks when I'm out drinking, but I don't drink often so I guess you could say I'm pretty private about it.

I guess, it's because I'm probably somewhat ashamed. Silly? Quite.

Heh, remember about two years ago when you started smoking? Remember how I scolded you, made you feel bad about it, told you how stupid you were for smoking just to fit in and look cool? I wouldn't give you two seconds of peace until you promised to quit and eventually you did. And I was so happy… ugh, I wonder what you would say now. "Hypocrite."

This might sound kind of strange, but I find a kind of sick, twisted satisfaction in the fact that smoking is now the one vice we share (or shared, depending on whether you still smoke). It's kinda fucked up that I would even find such vague solace in the thought. I sound depraved.

I wonder if you would try to stop/discourage my smoking now, if we were still friends. Would you? Well. I guess I'll never know.

And it just hit me that I haven't vented about you here in a long time. Then again, it's a different story on Tumblr. I guess I just haven't used Blogger in a long time, it's not that I haven't thought about you recently.

Actually, the past two weeks or so have been insanely trying. I don't know why now of all times, but that's the way it is. I often wake up from long winded, weird ass 3D looking dreams of you and me and always, the dreams take place or begin at the same location; our old high school. You're in a pinafore, your hair tied in two short pig tails. Sometimes, the dreams are so real, I confuse them with memories. There are nights when I don't know what is real and what is not.

By the way, I texted you because I missed you. And I still do. Very, very much.

Oh gosh, I'm so pathetic. It's just one friendship right? Why the fuck should I even care this much? Bullshit. This is complete bullshit. People get torn up like these over breakups, divorces. So why am I reacting this way? Tons of childhood friendships never make it past college; deal with it.

Damn it, you were the most important person in my life for the past 8 years. And to be very brutally honest I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next 8. I could try to replace you, and I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't tried, but it's pointless. It's just… nothing seems the same. Nothing's as good as it was, way back when.

 

 

Please just tell me how I can make this right again.

Testing, 54321.

as the title proposes…

Stephen Crane's In The Desert

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter – bitter", he answered,
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart."

Post-Langkawi Blues.

Not even a week back in KL and already the weight and heartache of city life has set in.

Everything seemed better in Langkawi.

The sky was bluer. The sun was brighter. The air was fresher. The streets were cleaner. The people were happier.

And there was still the possibility of…something for you and I.

I want to go back. Or rather I want to run away from here. These KL blues make me want to be someone else entirely.

Even my dreams were better… the dream I woke up with today morning terrified me. You left.

Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back.

And recently I've been very touchy about sexuality. It hurts me that there's still so much hate. Doesn't matter if it's KL, Langkawi, USA; there's so much hate everywhere.

Everything to do with homophobia strikes a chord with me nowadays.

When will I be able to feel safe and secure with admitting that I like girls as well as guys? Sometimes, it makes me question if I'll ever be comfortable in my own skin.

Everything seems easier in a heterosexual world.

Mood: Disheartened.

Chase. Chase. Chase. Pit Stop. Chase.

I'm waking up next to nothing after dreaming of you and me.

- Radio by Alkaline Trio

This isn't a romantic song. It's actually about revenge. But these lyrics specifically were carefully constructed to inflict nostalgia and woe… must be.

I guess it's time for a rest? I already had a brief time in the beginning of May to recuperate and sort my shit out. However, the manic-ness of the last two weeks or so have driven me slightly over the point of sanity.

Need this time to rewire my brain. It has to stop thinking about you every few minutes. It's a glitch that must be fixed because I can't afford to care so much about someone who shows all signs of being out of reach.

Perhaps the next time we meet, I'll be a composed young lady who isn't giddy and in love.

Eh, jap jap jap. Love? When did this come into the picture? Gone lah. Kantoi. How's that song from Hercules? At least out loud, I won't say I'm in love.

Even more reason for me to get away from all these stupid emotions and feeeeeelings. So gross and so beautiful and wonderful at the same time.

I swear, I can't win.

I'm no Charlie Sheen.

P/S: I will do my best to remedy and heal. You cause me more distress than joy anyway. I will be happy and I simply must be because anything else isn't worth my time.

Langkawi, you will be unforgettable.

Song montage 7,915,204 for heartache number 3.

You stole my heart and then you kicked it aside. But do you really feel alive without me? Are you mine, not just when you wanna be, all the time?  Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart. Driving in your car, I never, never want to go home. Maybe you’re gonna be the one that saves me. I might as well write the words right on my face that all I want is you. I can't explain why it's not enough 'cause I gave it all to you. Does he drive you wild or just mildly free? She took my heart; I think she took my soul. If everything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again. I’ll wait for you but I can’t wait forever.  I know we can make it if we take it slow. I cannot stop thinking about you, I cannot stop wondering if you are constantly thinking about me. What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me? You get used to the pain. Love you so much, it makes me sick. I don't know why I fight for you this way. You know what I wanted, I gave what I gave. Would I be out of line if I said I miss you? Aku pergi tapi aku kembali. All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here in my arms. I wished I was special; you're so very special. You are everything I want ‘cause you are everything I’m not.

We've got to make a decision because this isn't healthy.

An excuse of sorts.

I've vowed so many times to keep this blog going, but the lack of wi-fi at home has become a real pain. It's about 3 months now and it's played a huge part in my cyber absence.

Yes, there are tons of spots around college with wi-fi and all, but because I rarely have spare time, when I do get online, I spend it updating all the necessary portals first; I reply emails, I get back to all my adoring fans on Facebook, reply all the belated tweets and of course, queue up my Tumblr.

…okay, so maybe I have begun to prioritize Tumblr over this blog, but I promise, it is only because I don't want to spend my scarce internet time thinking of what to share and what to hide on this blog.

I miss blogging here tons, but… I've got my little white book of secrets now which has sated the blogging itch. I think that book is almost have full and it's been less than two months since I began writing in it. I'll probably need to get another one soon.

"Then I guess we should just be friends" "I'm just kidding Holly, you know that I'll love you till the end"

Those are lyrics from one of my most recent drugs – "Well It's True That We Love One Another", The White Stripes.

NOT THAT I'VE FOUND ANYONE I'D LOVE TILL THE END! well… maybe Capri and the girls. definitely not myself. but we will not digress; I have to explain my heartache for her. it's been awhile and I am still hooked.

oh c'mon; you must have guessed I would rant a bit about ze non-existent love life at some point right.

Here's an excerpt from my would-be journal that explains how I've been holding up (not).

"…I've gotten used to the idea of being expendable. And I accept now that nothing lasts forever and since that's the case, nothing is usually worth the heartache. Oh I sound like a sad fat girl who will miss out on life…well, I am… I've become a hateful thing."

That's the horrible mindset that's plagued me. It really sucks balls. It was a significant low point in the course of things that were to happen and I guess you could say I was on the brink of giving up because I felt like a weakling. I felt… unnecessary. and pretty fucking unloved.

The thing here is that I still miss her as much as I did a month ago. And that's not good because she got along pretty darn well in my absence. And shit that fucking hard to admit.

Am I friggin' delirious? I don't know but I'm afraid that we might just be friends… which we are now, but I don't want that…I think. I mean, I want to be friends but more, just not yet.

Ok fuck the romantic shit; I want to have a shot. Yes, that's it. I want to have a chance to see if this can go anywhere. And I don't think two weeks is a fair duration. Not at all. I don't want to give up on this possibility, if there's even one.

I mean I tried for a bit to stop the madness and the want, but the minute there was even a glimmer of hope, I fell back into the insanity that seems to envelope her.

Oh shit I can't believe I'm writing about this here. fuckfuckfuck.

After being apart for a pretty long time, we recently spoke again. And that day was pretty darn great and I was wrapped around her finger again. Just like that. But damn, I know that I will remember that day for a really long time, because it was the stuff great scripts are made of.

I wrote something on Tumblr which was more detailed and I can't post it here because I'm afraid I might be found out. (yes, that's another reason I rant on tumblr a lot, because not a lot of people I know have me on there and I couldn't give two fucks if a stranger thought I was a pathetic piece of shit).

As I said earlier, I miss her and I think I'm beginning to accept(?) that I'm a bit past just crushing and probably that is what scares me the most. It's been awhile since the reality of what can and can't happen has been so in my face.

I'm scared and that's the truth and she knows because my façade just doesn't work with her. Since the first week, she could always read me.

And that makes me question why nothing has happened between us yet.

oh shit I'm striking out a lot of things; it's like all my secrets are tumbling out.

and notice how all the strike outs only begin when I start talking about her?

Fuck.

I wish I knew what I should do, like, some kind of meter which could tell me if my actions are doing me any good at all because, lately, it's been hard to trust myself.

Especially around her.