Top 5 of 2011

I'm sure more than just 5 awesome things happened to me this year, but of the top of my head, these are the highs (in no particular order).

1. Inksight – Malaysian Today – 15,000 copies nationwide.

2. Tattoo – In all our imperfections, we found ourselves.

3. Langkawi – Holiday – capscalsdodos.

4. T4YP – FSD + Singapore + Much Ado.

5. Falling in mutual weirdness with Aidan Salman.

Yeap, those seem like a good five. But… it doesn't feel right… Oh, I know why!

There isn't a specific event here, but I think my girls warrant a mention. The amount of trouble I would be in without them!

So.

6. (Still) Being best friends with Rathika, Fatima and Kate.

Because they really do mean that much to me.

Oh, also:

7. Having my first pukefest birthday… well, I don't think it's a high, but it was an experience nonetheless.

Oh, oh, oh and:

8. Picking the right vices. Dropping the ciggs and  cutting off booze.

…

And since I'm on a roll and just two short of a Top 10 -

9. Stage Managing a show (for once) without Chris Ling holding my hand the whole way through. ACHIEVEMENT!

10. Performing/Surviving Short + Sweet.

So my Top 5 of 2011 is apparently a Top 10. Little victories and grand triumphs are important. Ultimately, these things shape who you are.

2011,

goodbye and thank you for the lessons and the memories.

There's this bridge.

It's walking distance from my place.

It's frightfully close by.

Noise.

So much noise in my head. It's the sound of words being suppressed. Of voices being muffled by some form of barrier. An immaterial barrier, of course.

It's all my fault.

I feel as if there's a tug of war taking place in my head. The negative is pulling and the positive is just short of the middle divider.

A Bit of Me.

I used to dream of a white wedding. In the garden. Well, a garden, like the ones with tall hedges for privacy and topiaries all around. I'd be wearing an embroidered white wedding dress with a long train and a lacey veil.

I used to dream really big. But tonight I was thinking about it all and I realise all that isn't important. It's nice and pretty to think of but it's not necessary. Why an elaborate wedding? Who would I even invite to it?

Registration followed by a day with family and my closest friends… yes, that sounds lovely. And affordable.

The gimmicks never matter, Belinda. Happiness doesn't depend on a white wedding. Happiness depends on you.

I believe in the power I possess.

 

I have been broken
But tonight I am reborn;
Something stirs within.

One Giant Leap for Me.

Hey, birthday boy. I think I can safely say your mix tape list is prepared. Now all I need is to get the CD and voila!

So far so good, eh? Those speed bumps are things that will eventually fade. It's not a problem for you and I, it's just a thing. A thing which will eventually die off and leave us be.

Besides, I trust you.

 

LOL, Belinda, you don't sound like yourself. You've obviously been gotten pretty badly.

Oh and, you are the Oliver Woods and Ron Weasley of Quidditch.

GEDDIT, GEDDIT, GEDDIT?! HEEHEEEEEEE.

The Night of Sleeplessness.

I have been lying in bed for the past 4 hours but sleep has not come to claim me.

In between trying to force myself asleep, I started contemplating the universe, my existence and everything else under the sun (as one usually does when one cannot sleep).

My mind drifted. And it came to a scary revelation:

I still think about it. Almost everyday, I think about it. It's been close to three years since I last cut and still I'm convinced that there is only one possible conclusion.

This feeling of worthlessness and impending failure in career, love and life has somehow made its home in my brain. For 3 years I have thought it to have left me, but all this time it's been here. I just haven't noticed it.

Or I have noticed it but thought nothing of it. I caught myself last week thinking of this dark stuff but I dismissed it because I thought, hey, everyone has felt like giving up at some point and I'm allowed to have a down day.

I didn't realise until just now that these thoughts come to me almost daily. I remember thinking of it yesterday, the day before as well.

Now everything is coming back. Everything. And I realise that nothing has changed.

Sometimes I feel the urge is so strong I want to just throw myself out the window. Or take a dangerous stroll at 3am in the morning. Find a way to make it seem like an accident so that people will mourn and not hate me for being a selfish coward. Because I know I am one, but that's not what I want to be remembered as.

Some days I curse myself for not having the guts to just go through with it and end it once and for all.

And thanks to tonight's wonderful discovery, I feel it all.

I thought I'd made progress. I thought I wasn't that girl anymore. I thought I could beat it.

In so many ways, tonight has shown me that I am so much like my mom, the person I probably detest the most. I am so much like her and it makes me sick.

All this could have been avoided if I'd just swallowed a few more pills back in 2007, if I hadn't told that guy about what I'd done and just gotten into a cab and waited somewhere for the pills to work their magic.

But I was a coward then just like I am a coward now. Too cowardly to wait for the future and too much of a coward to take matters into my own hands. That's how useless I am.

I feel like that kid again when her parents split up, Standing in the kitchen, ready to strike, but waiting for someone to come home and stop her.

Argggggh, all these noises and voices in my head. I'm nothing! Just let me be, Just let me be.

It seems inevitable. It might be tomorrow. It might be a year from now. It might even be when I am 70. But I just know it's the only way,

I love how irregularly I blog.

2008 – 8 posts

2009 – 15 posts

2010 – 133 posts

2011 – 35 (thus far and excluding this one)

Currently at Old Town White Coffee, Jaya One with Ashraf.

SO HERE'S A VIRTUAL INTERNET SHOUT OUT TO HIM, whoots whoots!

oh wait I forgot. HE'S TOO COOL FOR THE INTERNET.

anywaaaaaays. My battery is dying and this post is just here for the sake of being a post.

Maybe next week when I'm not so tired (YEAH RIGHT) I'll post up something that's more substantial.

Till then, fuck you and you and you and most definitely, Ashraf.

That good/bad after taste.

I've picked up smoking.

For the most part of my childhood and adolescence, I hated the smell of cigarettes (and I still do, off and on). I was even once so naïve as to say I would never pick up smoking, NEVER. But here I am, enjoying almost a pack a week.

I don't flaunt it out in public; I wouldn't call myself a social smoker. Most often, I have a cigarette at home, in secret. I rarely smoke with friends. Maybe one or two sticks when I'm out drinking, but I don't drink often so I guess you could say I'm pretty private about it.

I guess, it's because I'm probably somewhat ashamed. Silly? Quite.

Heh, remember about two years ago when you started smoking? Remember how I scolded you, made you feel bad about it, told you how stupid you were for smoking just to fit in and look cool? I wouldn't give you two seconds of peace until you promised to quit and eventually you did. And I was so happy… ugh, I wonder what you would say now. "Hypocrite."

This might sound kind of strange, but I find a kind of sick, twisted satisfaction in the fact that smoking is now the one vice we share (or shared, depending on whether you still smoke). It's kinda fucked up that I would even find such vague solace in the thought. I sound depraved.

I wonder if you would try to stop/discourage my smoking now, if we were still friends. Would you? Well. I guess I'll never know.

And it just hit me that I haven't vented about you here in a long time. Then again, it's a different story on Tumblr. I guess I just haven't used Blogger in a long time, it's not that I haven't thought about you recently.

Actually, the past two weeks or so have been insanely trying. I don't know why now of all times, but that's the way it is. I often wake up from long winded, weird ass 3D looking dreams of you and me and always, the dreams take place or begin at the same location; our old high school. You're in a pinafore, your hair tied in two short pig tails. Sometimes, the dreams are so real, I confuse them with memories. There are nights when I don't know what is real and what is not.

By the way, I texted you because I missed you. And I still do. Very, very much.

Oh gosh, I'm so pathetic. It's just one friendship right? Why the fuck should I even care this much? Bullshit. This is complete bullshit. People get torn up like these over breakups, divorces. So why am I reacting this way? Tons of childhood friendships never make it past college; deal with it.

Damn it, you were the most important person in my life for the past 8 years. And to be very brutally honest I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next 8. I could try to replace you, and I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't tried, but it's pointless. It's just… nothing seems the same. Nothing's as good as it was, way back when.

 

 

Please just tell me how I can make this right again.

Testing, 54321.

as the title proposes…