I guess I'm going back to cigarettes.

I had my first stick in 4 months just about 5 minutes ago. I just need to be doing something. But it's 7am. There's not very much to do.

I need to be active. To get myself busy doing something. I can't sit here because then I'll start to think.

I'm trying to be very strong. I'm trying to make the hard decision and make it stick. Because I… I believe its for the best. We'll look back on this decision and we'll see it was. Now, it feels like shit, but a month from now, you'll be glad for it. You'll be happy. I can't give you happy.

… Ok. That paragraph is a perfect example of me trying desperately to be objective. The heart wants what it wants but I can't give in to its wants because I need to starve it. Then it'll learn that there are some things it will never get. And that it can't get so attached.

It's surprising. I have been able to keep myself together, mostly. But I know it's because there's a part of me that doesn't believe this is the end. Because of what I feel. And what you feel. Because unlike times before, this is happening because…

I don't know why this is happening. Maybe for the first time, it's really just because we're not compatible. Just like that divorce term. Irreconcilable differences?

During Parah rehearsal yesterday, Jo said something to the actors. It went something along the lines of -

The more you want to connect, quite paradoxically, the more mortified you are when you do have a fight.

And immediately, I thought of this situation we're in. Maybe this is what led to it.

Fuck, Belinda. Keep it together. You can. You mustn't cry. You've done way too much of that already. Be a big girl and stop crying.

Trait(or).

Inadequate. Pointless. Self-centered. Selfish. Naïve. Stupid. Childish. Sensitive. Insensitive. Hard-headed. Rude. Useless. Good for nothing. Screw up. Disappointment. Bad. Hateful. Despicable. Malicious. Evil. Cruel. Inconsiderate. Mean. Horrible. Revolting. Disgusting. Indulgent. Bratty. Immature. Insufficient. Time waster. Mood changer. Destroyer. Let down.

There are days when all I feel like doing is turning in on myself. There are even more days where I wish, just somehow, someone will take mercy and terminate the system that keeps my brain running.

There are so many days when I wish I didn't make you unhappy but it seems that I have that effect on people. It would seem that all I am capable of is inciting anger frustration annoyance rage blind fury.

I am cancer to the people around me.

These days are just no good.

I wonder if my writing style has improved.

But how do you improve a style? With refinement, of course.

Style is individual, so you should never force a change into how you write. At the same time though, there's always room for improvement; learn to enhance and strengthen and modulate your unique way of writing. It's not changing or renouncing your individuality if all it does is give more value to your words. It will help others appreciate the uniqueness.

I'd like to think I am creeping forwards and making progress, in this area and others, too.

Hmm. I realise that progress is very important to me. Progress and growth. I'm pretty sure it's a good thing; it keeps things fresh and it keeps me going.

And here's a haiku I thought up earlier today to wrap up the night.

I still want to love
But you refuse to back down
We're back to square one.

Goodnight.

All I Have.

These words are all I have.

They are warm and simple.

But simple is not enough.

Simple can expose, but it cannot explain.

 

I need to find the words.

The words to explain.

The words to make you understand.

The words to... the words to...

The words that I do not have.

Because, to be fair,

not everything can be explained.

 

These words that I have now are all I can muster.

Because to me, they are sufficient.

Because to me, they are complete.

Because like these words,

my heart is warm and my request is simple.

Top 5 of 2011

I'm sure more than just 5 awesome things happened to me this year, but of the top of my head, these are the highs (in no particular order).

1. Inksight – Malaysian Today – 15,000 copies nationwide.

2. Tattoo – In all our imperfections, we found ourselves.

3. Langkawi – Holiday – capscalsdodos.

4. T4YP – FSD + Singapore + Much Ado.

5. Falling in mutual weirdness with Aidan Salman.

Yeap, those seem like a good five. But… it doesn't feel right… Oh, I know why!

There isn't a specific event here, but I think my girls warrant a mention. The amount of trouble I would be in without them!

So.

6. (Still) Being best friends with Rathika, Fatima and Kate.

Because they really do mean that much to me.

Oh, also:

7. Having my first pukefest birthday… well, I don't think it's a high, but it was an experience nonetheless.

Oh, oh, oh and:

8. Picking the right vices. Dropping the ciggs and  cutting off booze.

…

And since I'm on a roll and just two short of a Top 10 -

9. Stage Managing a show (for once) without Chris Ling holding my hand the whole way through. ACHIEVEMENT!

10. Performing/Surviving Short + Sweet.

So my Top 5 of 2011 is apparently a Top 10. Little victories and grand triumphs are important. Ultimately, these things shape who you are.

2011,

goodbye and thank you for the lessons and the memories.

There's this bridge.

It's walking distance from my place.

It's frightfully close by.

Noise.

So much noise in my head. It's the sound of words being suppressed. Of voices being muffled by some form of barrier. An immaterial barrier, of course.

It's all my fault.

I feel as if there's a tug of war taking place in my head. The negative is pulling and the positive is just short of the middle divider.

A Bit of Me.

I used to dream of a white wedding. In the garden. Well, a garden, like the ones with tall hedges for privacy and topiaries all around. I'd be wearing an embroidered white wedding dress with a long train and a lacey veil.

I used to dream really big. But tonight I was thinking about it all and I realise all that isn't important. It's nice and pretty to think of but it's not necessary. Why an elaborate wedding? Who would I even invite to it?

Registration followed by a day with family and my closest friends… yes, that sounds lovely. And affordable.

The gimmicks never matter, Belinda. Happiness doesn't depend on a white wedding. Happiness depends on you.

I believe in the power I possess.

 

I have been broken
But tonight I am reborn;
Something stirs within.

One Giant Leap for Me.

Hey, birthday boy. I think I can safely say your mix tape list is prepared. Now all I need is to get the CD and voila!

So far so good, eh? Those speed bumps are things that will eventually fade. It's not a problem for you and I, it's just a thing. A thing which will eventually die off and leave us be.

Besides, I trust you.

 

LOL, Belinda, you don't sound like yourself. You've obviously been gotten pretty badly.

Oh and, you are the Oliver Woods and Ron Weasley of Quidditch.

GEDDIT, GEDDIT, GEDDIT?! HEEHEEEEEEE.