I'm a fool for wanting things with someone who doesn't feel the same way.
I'm a fool for still wanting things with someone who very obviously isn't interested.
I've only ever wanted to be good enough for someone. I would like to be loved as I love. I want a relationship, a something, whatever, that will make me feel worth it. For once, I'd like to feel equally important, equally beautiful and equally lovable.
A life without love is a life not worth living.
I hate it when you make a decision, and you know it's the right one, but still you regret it. I hate it when the right decisions are the hardest to make.
I had to make a decision. And this is decision is the best for now. But please, please, please… don't write it off as absolute. And please continue to work and get better. I wouldn't have made this decision if it wasn't in your best interest.
It's hard to accept this change though. I still catch myself in denial at times because I still feel it all. Don't tell me it's unhealthy; I will learn in time.
There was a reason I had crap relationships. And the reason is me.
Yes, my exes were douches. I can't say I'm too proud of the relationships I've had. But when I think back, were they not better towards me at the beginning?
Maybe they were feigning. Maybe there were only nice to me until they knew for certain that they had me on a leash and let's face it, I'm the kind of girl who falls hard. I'm pretty pathetic.
So maybe… maybe I was played.
Or maybe I deserved everything I got from them. All of them. Even the first. The very first.
I asked to be treated that way. I was willing to sell myself so low that it only made sense for them to treat me the way they did. I tempted them. I asked for it.
I turned them into the things I now hate.
There must be something about me that is toxic. Or maybe not. Maybe it's just the way I am. I am bad for relationships. I am bad for people. There hasn't been one relationship that I haven't screwed up. I'm a shit girlfriend. I'm needy, I'm controlling, I'm clingy, I'm disgusting, I'm manipulative.
I'm everything… I'm everything love should not be.
So maybe I don't know love. Maybe I think what I have is love, but maybe all I'm offering is chaos.
I don't have the right to blame anyone for leaving.
I understand now that they all leave not because they're unreasonable but because I push them away. Because no one could ever love someone as vile as I am. The things I do, the things I say. And it is all my own fucking fault. I'm unlovable because I refuse to reform.
I shouldn't even bother. They say love is sometimes around the corner. But I live in a state that love just cannot survive in.
I'll stop playing the victim. The previous guys in my life weren't terrible people; they just made the mistake of hanging around me too much.
Actually, no. I said I wouldn't blame them. They didn't make a mistake. I forced myself upon them.
I infected them. And if you don't leave me soon, I'm afraid you're just going to end up hating me even more. I'm sorry
Will I be able to go two weeks without seeing you?
Perhaps under different circumstances, I would. But with yesterday's incident, I'm not too sure.
What's worse is not only will you not be around, but I'll have almost no way of contacting you, except online for ten of those days. I think the disconnect/lack of communication is what scares me the most.
But I promised. I promised that I would let you call the shots. I promised to ease off. I won't impose.
I'm just going to miss you, that's all.
It's funny because ten days hasn't started yet but it feels like you've already left. You're still here, but you're not really.
I have 25 days but I may not make it through.
25 is a long time. Maybe I will not need to wait that long. Maybe I just have to wait until I, too, snap. Then it'll be over and done with and I'll stop being a disappointment.
More than ever, I want to disappear. I wish I was numb but I'm just super aware.
It would all be so much simpler if I wasn't such a screw up.
I am sorry I don't have the strength and willpower to let you go.
I tried so hard to keep you happy. But I guess I wasn't enough. I guess I should learn that some of us are just meant to be alone.
You, Omar, Rosheen, Calvin, Dorian and I were at this KFC near my house, where the Subway usually is. Rosheen and Omar were explaining to me how they got their car and Omar was grumpy because Rosheen was hogging the mash potato.
Opposite our KFC, is HSBC and this small burger stall just in front of it. Omar Jr was sitting by the roadside having a burger. Calvin and Dorian went out to sit with him. We remained in the KFC.
Suddenly there was a huge crash. There was chaos. People were running everywhere, trying to hide from these machine-looking aliens with laser guns. We realised we had to get out. Omar Jr ran into the KFC and told us we had to get away, far out of the city. And that's when we realised there wasn't enough space in the car. Calvin and Dorian were gone and we came in Omar Jr's Kancil. I looked to you, realising that I couldn't come with. You said "I'm sorry. I love you." and all four of you left. I remember very distinctly the sound of the tires screeching as you guys drove off.
I'm running in a crowded mall. I think, for now, the mall is relatively safe. It hasn't been invaded yet. Everywhere I go, people are breaking into shops to get provisions. I decided I'd better as well. I had to fend for myself.
I got to the lower ground floor and went into the supermarket. I grabbed as many canned foods as I could carry. Suddenly, the whole supermarket was hushed. We started hiding in the aisles. A group of three, maybe four aliens walked past us. Once they had left, I decided it was best I leave the supermarket to find a better hiding place. I was on my way out when I dropped one of the cans I was holding. When I turned around to see if I had dropped anything else, there you were. You didn't see me. I dropped everything I was holding, ran to you and hugged you for the first time in what felt like forever (though I'm sure it was less than a day). I remember repeating your name over and over.
I can't tell if I woke up right after because of all the crying I was doing in real life or because an alien shot me; I did after all give away my position, what with all the hysterical wailing and the sound of tin cans falling to the floor.
But whatever it was, I'm glad I found you first.
I must stop apologising. It's a habit I have unwillingly picked up.
Wait. Why did I use the words "picked up"? It's not like I got it from someone. In fact, I'm surrounded by people who rarely apologise… I think. Well, I know at least that I do not have any close friends who apologise profusely. So this habit is probably a result of my psych.
BUT I DIGRESS.
My point was that I have started to apologise way too much. I apologise for everything, even mistakes that aren't mine.
Funny though. I'm all for apologising, but I can't find it in myself to forgive this one person, no matter how many times she says she's sorry.
OOPS, I DIGRESSED AGAIN.
I think this habit I have is actually doing me more harm than good. I have to stop setting my value so low; why do I have to apologise if I'm not to blame? Why should I be the one to bow down?
….
Hmm. Actually, I think that is the reason for my constant apologies. It's to give power to the person I'm apologising to. It's to appease the other party. I bow down so that you can feel more powerful, more in control. But why do I do that?
FUCCCCCKKK.
This rant just got all circular logicky.
I don't foresee this habit dying off soon. But I guess it doesn't matter what I see. For all I know, starting this very minute, it may take me days before I apologise for anything at all.
However, there is one thing that I am truly sorry for…
I am not sorry that I feel the need to control and plan everything. However, I am sorry I expected you to do the same.
Out of all the other apologies, this apology, I promise you, is the sincerest.
I wish I wasn't a jealous person. I wish I was one of those people who are so self assured, so confident and trusting, that they would not get jealous. They believe in themselves and they know there is no reason for jealousy, because they know where they belong.
It's just… sometimes, I read things. Or see things. And immediately my mind starts conjuring up memories that are not mine. Possible memories that belong to a time when you didn't know me, to a time when she was your world.
And I have to say this because it's just going to eat me up from inside if I don't; it bothers me slightly that we're in a relationship but there are these comments by other girls (some exes, too) on your profile.
It's not all the comments though. These are the comments that are suggestive. Comments from a time when you were in a relationship with her. Comments from a time when you were single and flirting was fine.
It's your past, I get it, there's no way I can deny you that.
But the notion that other people may be reading these comments with the knowledge that you're in a relationship with me… I don't know. It upsets me. I know this relationship is ours and I shouldn't care what people assume, but I feel.. it makes me feel embarrassed.
And when I think about it, I can't help but get slightly teary-eyed.
Ugh. Stupid, stupid Belinda.
I don't want to be here. Right now, I would kill to be elsewhere.
There's so much sense of community here. So much warmth.
I just want to mope. I want to be alone with my depression and nurse it till it is satisfied. That's what I need.
I'd also like to bawl my eyes out but I don't want people to start consoling me. It only makes it worse.
Well,
I want you to console me. No, not console me. I want you to just be around me. I want to be around you. Because, believe it or not, sometimes the things you say make sense and resonate with me. But these are the simple things, not the preachy things. Sometimes, your words help move my own depression along.
