BOOM!

Yeah I’m on a post frenzy today.

No, I don’t constantly thank God for Esteban. Why?

Because I don’t know Esteban personally.

Because Esteban hasn’t done squat for me.

Also because half the people aren’t sure if there is a God and I don’t want to have to pick sides.

If there is a God though, I thank him for people like Joyee Khoo, Arthur Chia, Calvin Tan and Johann Oh. Not forgetting Rathika, Kate and Fatima for putting up with all my d-d-d-drama.

What I would do without them, I do not know.

To those of you who are trying to figure out who this Esteban is and why he’s even in this post, you obviously don’t listen to Panic At The Disco.

Yay! I’ve starting linking again.

The emo-ness must be in its final stages.

The days fade in and out.

Words dance on the page as I try to no avail to explain all this. I scrunch up the paper – the 5th in the past 10minutes – and dump it into the bin. I peel away another piece of paper from the pile. There has to be a way to start this right.

And so, I go at it again; but 3 minutes into the thing and I know that this isn’t going to turn out much better than the previous. 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, they all end up in the bin.

The pencil hits the wall and rebounds, falling some 3 feet away from my writing desk. Done. I am done with this. Saying I love you should never be this difficult.

The words refuse to fall into place, like so many times before.

and…

and… I know that I’m not the “you” in your status updates.

I just don’t know anymore.

I don’t know what is going on. I really am at a loss for everything. Continuing seems bloody pointless. Giving up seems wasteful. But I’m afraid we’ve already hit that “We share private things with each other ‘cause we’re good friends and will always be” kinda thing. It’s something like that, and I know that stage is a killer.
I feel stupid.
I should give myself space, but I just can’t stay away. I really can’t; it’s just not possible when it comes to you.
Oh and irony loves me. Well, he isn’t really important! But the one you are imagining…I could have told you who it was.
BUT OF COURSE I DIDN’T!
It would have been silly to tell you about…well yourself.

Oh, heart. Be strong.

I need somebody who loves me.

Sincerity.

Genuine smiles are hard to come by. In a photo they may showcase every oral flaw you have, but those photos are reminders of real joy.

I hate that my genuine smiles only come about in pictures of you and I. I really can’t catch a break. Fuck.

Let’s face it; I’m not perfect. Ok lah, I’m far from perfect. I’m actually pretty messed up. But you somehow take all that away from me? I’m trying to put into words what I’m hearing inside, but I can’t find the right way to say it. You made me feel good and now that you’re gone, it seems like everything bad thing about me has become more pronounced.

Of course, this is just my emo-ness talking. It’s not that big a deal. But for now, it is causing me a lot of bad energy. bad juju vibes.

I wish you all the best. But I also wish that you will come back. That’s a contradiction, I know, but I am selfish that way.

PS: ilovemybitches. They are keeping me standing tall. <3

My Apologies Dear.

Sorry for all the profanities. I wont be deleting taht post because it will be a reminder for me to never dream that high again.

I don’t hate you. I don’t. But its now time for me to heal. You have taken a lot away from me. I am just getting over all of it. In time, I will be back to square one.

Hope is out to kill us all, one by one.

Fuck you. fuck you and you and you. really. ARGGGGGGGGGH! I’m so mad now. fuck pleasantries and trying to be polite lah; i’m bloody pissed. You think you can use me that way? I will never be your stepping stone. you danced circles around me. fuck you for all you’ve done. stop talking to me from now on; you aren’t worth my breath. you are a bitch. full stop. no explanation needed, no excuse or long justifications. you are as messed up as I am. I hope you end up broken by the end of it.

FUCK. I thought you were different.

Obviously, today didn’t pan out the way i wanted it to. so don’t fucking ask me how urbanscapes was ‘cause my reply will be something along the lines of “I hope you die”.

Always Quick to Follow…Not.

Ok, time for a normal blogpost, none of this emo lovesick crap. I want this post to be raving rambles and mysterious musings. or just a lot of blah blah blah on my part.

College is… better. All assignments submitted on time so far, but today is where it ends; Computer Graphics. Illustrator just hates me. It does. Either that or it got into a fight with my windows and decided to give the cold shoulder. Bottom line is I won’t be able to finish up my illustrator work, which is due at 530pm today.

So yes. I am screwed.

But I guess it’s not all bad. I mean, I actually did pretty good for myself; I survived 3 months of college without slacking off. That’s good right? In high school, I’d usually just stop caring around the third week. I’ve done well for myself this time around. SYABAS.

I have to say thanks to Kate, Rathika and Fatima though. I mean, if it wasn’t for them, I would probably slump into my autopilot mode and lose interest in everything to do with college and studying and grades. They’ve made college life extremely fun. And I think it’s because of them that there are some classes I am almost looking forward to now.

*gasp*

omgdidBelindaHonreallyjustsaythat?!

Yes, I just did. Refined, I am. Not quite, but a pretty changed person in some areas. Its all a very good thing :) Ok time to end this post: URBANSCAPES IS HAPPENING TOMORROW.

I am happy because I’ll have time for...well, stuff. *inserts cheeky wink and mischievous smile which in actual fact I do not have*

Sighs.

Life’s good.                                                                            

if only you knew.

You make me happy;

You make all the pain fade away.

I love you for that.

You want me to stop feeling down? Just talk to me more often; I can’t help but smile whenever I read your text or hear your voice. You give me something to smile about.

A jumble of jarring lyrics from songs that echo how I feel.

My Mantra.

I was so unique; now I feel skin deep. She cried on my shoulder begging please. And I can’t take no more; her tears like diamonds on the floor. We both know that I’m not that strong. With or without you. Something always brings me back to you. This heart, it beats, beats for only you; my heart is yours. And every line in every song, they all seem to come out wrong until your song. No you won't disarm my heart.myashtrayheart. Every now and then I fall apart. I can’t stop thinking about you.I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine. There goes my hero. Sing to me lies, let them linger. Because these words were never easier for me to say, or her to second guess. I'll follow you into the dark. Here, here and here. God, that was strange to see you again. I don’t know who you are anymore. You were the only face I'd ever known. I just want one more chance to put my arms in fragile hands. We lay, we lay together just not too close, too close. And everybody’s talking how I can’t, can’t be your love. We’ve still got time. I'll never ask for anyone but you. And I could call you babydoll all the time. You’re onto me, all over me. I can honestly say that I never, ever, ever felt this way.