The list of things to do.

My ten page essay for Malaysian Studies is as of now not even drafted. This is to be passed up on the 30th of November. That gives me less than 48hours. Screwed.

Also, my presentation for PR is yet to be completed. I’m 17 completed slides in and I need maybe another twenty to ensure our presentation is over 30minutes. And I was looking over the assignment brief awhile ago and there’s this report thing that we’ve yet to prepare. It’s supposed to be a case study kind of binded report and It carries 15% of my grade.

Well, if I stay positive, I just need to slave my way through to Thursday and then I’ll have the next few days off. Ratata’s birthday celebration will be from friday to saturday and I might only come home on Sunday, so yeah! It will be all worth it. The weekend will be a blast :)

Either way though, this week is going to kill me all sorts of ways.

Come as you are.

I’ve been super exhausted. My mind hasn’t been working the way it should. So much to be done and yet it feels like none of it is of any importance whatsoever.

So. I’ve got a 9.30am class tomorrow and it’s a friggin’ Saturday. None of us are going to be in a good mood tomorrow, not one. And since he’s sent warning letters to almost EVERYONE in my class, we kinda can’t skip, can we? Bah, he plays his plot out well.

There’s this family dinner thing that I have tomorrow as well. Don’t know whether I should pack up nicely or wing it and just go in my college clothes. Maybe I’ll pack a spare tee or blouse or something.

To be very honest, I don’t know what else to say. I’m really running out of words. I’m so tired. I wish I was on holiday already. Somewhere far, far away from PJ and KL. Just anywhere, you know. Somewhere where nobody knew me and I could just stop. As in, stop everything. I could just be and not worry about being.

Is this making any sense to you? Just fucking listen okay.

Keeping up appearances and semblances of sanity is really tough work and quite frankly, I’m bored of it all. Everything seems to be super fast paced, but I’m not getting anywhere. I’m so tired of it and just plain tired lah okay.

…

I think I’m ready for some chaos now, just not this kind.

I’m out.

GAH. That’s the sound I make when I’m frustrated. Gah!

It’s just really hard to let go. I feel like I’ve come so far and the progress I’ve made has been more than what even I expected to achieve so it seems stupid to throw this all away now. Okay, I won’t really be “throwing” anything completely away; you’re my friend after all. I just gotta get rid of this little expectancy at the back of my head. I just keep wishing and expecting you to change your mind and… I don’t know. I mean, just give me a chance?

It’s really hard. And it’s surprising because, we’ve not been anything more than just really good friends, you know? But this is really just draining me of all my energy now. I don’t have any left.

There’s not really much else to say. Well, nothing I can word properly at this point. There’s a lot of stuff going through my head but honestly, saying it out here would be a bit too public. And maybe talking further about this is just gonna get me completely messed up because it’s really hard to come to terms with me actually forgetting the possibility of being with you. I’ve always said you were worth fighting for, but you’re making it quite clear that my affection is in vain, so why continue trying? I don’t know where I’m gonna go from here. I guess I’ll just drill myself into my studies and keep my guard up.

I mean, shit, do you know how long it took me to let you know me this well? Before you, it’d been eighteen months since I’d opened up to anyone like that. Eighteen! And then I started with you after so much hesitancy and yet again I fell into that trap I know so well. Granted that being a good friend isn’t a bad thing, it’s not really what I was hoping for. I mean, why do I always get stuck in that category? Just why? I’ve given so much and I thought this time with you… we had chemistry.

Matters of the heart are always so draining. I’ve given up. I mean, why open myself up like that again? You’ve taught me a lesson, I guess. It’s best to keep yourself safe. I’m not going make myself vulnerable to this kind of ache anytime soon. I’ll keep my guard up just as I did for those eighteen months, that’s what I’ll do. I can’t imagine going through another dilemma like this. Maybe it’s best to keep yourself closed off at all times. Maybe when you stop letting people in, you’ll stop getting hurt.

I think I really may need some time away from you. Just till I set my shit straight because I really don’t wanna cry over you. Crying over you just seems stupid. ‘Cause I know damned sure that it’s not gonna help me let go at all.

Crying really seems stupid but I haven’t been able to stop :(

Happy Birthday, Nicholas Hon You Onn.

Yeah, you’ll probably never read this but whatever; it’s the thought that counts.

About thirty minutes ago I went downstairs to get some water only to find you raiding the kitchen for snacks. We talked quite a bit and I miss that; we haven’t done that in awhile. You’ve been busy working and keeping with people and I’ve been busy studying and keeping up with people, too. It’s kinda weird how up till last year, we still talked on a daily basis and this year it’s like… poof.

Anyway, happy birthday! I hope you get yourself a nice Playstation 3 or Xbox or something. That’s be the shizz! Or I hope dad gets it for you or something lah.

I love you big bro! :D

The sex she slipped into my coffee.

Yeah, that’s from Maroon 5’s song The Sun off their first album. I don’t drink coffee, but if I did… well, then this would explain it all. HAHA yeah, no.

I have been really irritable this past one week plus. I don’t know if anyone has noticed. I mean, I don’t blow up in people’s faces like “WHUT YOU WANT, BITCH?!”. I just realise that I’ve been so very easily ticked off by even little spats. Example: When someone asked me a question twice today, I answered in a really rude tone. And when I get nagged at, I turn around and find myself muttering “omg shut the fuck up lah”.

And I KNOW all of this is uncalled for on my part. But I don’t know, maybe it’s PMS? Wouldn’t know yet now would I D:

I wanna stop being grouchy and grumpy. Either it’s the PMS or people have been behaving really stupidly recently. Heh. Both seem like very likely situations.

Okay. Before I rant some more and work myself up to be even grouchier and grumpier, I had better get some sleep.

GAH; WHY I IS SO RESTLESSLY ANNOYED?

People and Places.

Wah, seriously man, a good day filled to the brim with good company. Went around KLCC, Pavillion and Sungei Wang today searching for inspiration for my photojournalism exercise. Was there with Ashraf, Kate and Badler. SHOUT OUT TO BAD: Hope you had a rather awesome birthday :)

Was out of the house by 12pm, walked about KLCC park with Ashraf. As we were walking towards the park, I saw the Soh sisters! Haven’t seen them in aaaaaaaaages so I called them up and said we’d meet up later after their movie for dinner or something. Then Ashraf and I met up with Bad and Kate and left for Pavillion. I took photos of how Sticky candy was made. Don’t know if I’ll be using them for the assignment though. I’m pretty ballsy prepping the photos so last minute. But meh, I have a stash of usable photos if anything.

Then, we walked IN THE RAIN towards Sg Wang. Pit stop at uniqlo to just kepo around when I bumped into my bro there. Didn’t buy anything. When we were ready to continue towards Sg Wang, the rain was even heavier! We dashed and arrived at the Lot 10 Isetan Food market completely soaked. Thank God i had my cap on so my hair look less of a mess :P

Walked through Lot 10 and finally got to Sg Wang. Went looking for t-shirts ‘cause we were so drenched. I bought a nice dark blue tee with bicycles on it. I likes. Then, we walked around a bit and took photos in this tattoo parlour. Didn’t get enough impressive shots though. And there weren’t many other tattoo parlours that had people actually getting their ink done, so that sucked.

We went to KFC for a late lunch at around 3pm ‘cause Kate and I were starving. Ate, talked and stoned and zoned out a bit ‘cause we were sooooo tired from all the walking and running. Lepaked till around 5pm, when Soh Yi Lin and Yi Wan turned up! :D Sit and talked till around 6pm, then the rest left and it was only the Sohs and I. Walked over to Times Square and caught up. Went to Gasoline for a drink and I bitched about all those old schoolmates of mine who were (and probably still are) utterly ignorant people.

Had dinner at Papa John’s. And I realised it was my first time there ever. Boy I’ve been missing out; the pizzas there are yummmmmmmmmmmmmy! Sit and talked talked talked till we realised it was already nearing 10pm! I had told my dad I’d be back by 9! HEEHEE. Rushed to the monorail and the three of us sat the train back to Titiwangsa terminal.

I feel so happy now. I mean, it’s really been a fantastic day. Was so good just getting out of the house. And it was really good meeting up with the Sohs after so long. Never thought I’d have so much fun today.

I am very happy :D

A little itch.

“The cold wind was slapping hard against her cheek. She braced herself against him, using him as a shield against the wind and rain. What a storm. Pellets rained down all around them, creating a fortress of white. She panicked.”

I cannot do another presentation on the economy ever again. I had a minor anxiety attack during class break; it was just too much pressure. Maybe I did contribute to it, psyching myself out and all here and there subconsciously. After all, I did study and do sufficient research on the topic, so there was no reason for this presentation to intimidate me.

But I just really couldn’t handle the stress. It felt, to me, that everything I said was just floating above the heads of everyone in class, as if I were speaking a different language. I felt mocked by my own words. And thus came the notion that I was failing.

I don’t understand why I reacted so badly today. Even after the class break and after I gathered my bearings to plow through the second half of my presentation, I found myself still jumpy and easily disheartened. And the nerves were just killing me a million and one ways every single second. I tripped over words which I use on a regular basis. I started over-compensating by speaking in long-winded sentences and using animated gestures. Every single pause I took weighed a ton and my heart was beating so fast I could hear it thumping around franticly. Just as frantic as my hands were when they searched the textbook for references.

And whenever Miss Jo got up to cover bits of my presentation, I held my breath. Then I’d try my best to continue pretending I was in control of the situation. My mind was going berserk and my tummy started tying itself it knots. I hid all that behind my nervous laughter and the lack of eye contact helped a lot.

I really don’t know why I was so anxious today. I think it was because I only found out yesterday exactly how important my topics were for the syllabus. Maybe also because I knew there were certain expectations for me to rise to. I personally maybe set my standards a bit too high. Either that, or it was me just psyching myself out all the way.

But, really. Today, my mind and everything else was just utter chaos.

A very poignant list.

20 MEN I’D DO IN A HEARTBEAT.

In no particular order whatsoever:

• Joseph Gordon Levitt
• Brandon Boyd
• James McAvoy
• Viggo Mortensen (Yes, I would.)
• Alexander Skarsgard
• John Mayer
• Ashton Kutcher
• Tyson Ritter
• EMINEMMMM
• Jared Leto
• Michael C. Hall
• Brandon Flowers
• Jude Law
• Patrick Dempsey (MCDREAMY MY GAWD)
• James Franco
• Josh Hartnett
• Hugh Laurie
• RAIN
• Will Smith
• Ed Westwick (CHUCK BASS, BITCHESSS!)

Okay. Am in super fan girly mood now. LALALALA. Going to do some prep for tomorrow’s sociology presentation and it has nothing to do with hot men. *darnthatshit*

Insomnia or something sinister.

I just can’t go to sleep. Finally got all my slides for Tuesday done and ready but now I just can’t sleep. Too much buzzing in my head. And it’s such a humid night. And my heart just isn’t in it.

Anyway, I was on tumblr and I’m not super freaked out about the 4chan scare. I’ll be pretty damned sad if tumblr goes down, but meh; I’ve lost worse things than just a blog. Like my sanity and sense of judgment D:

It is hitting me that the gap reaaaaally is closing and pretty soon I guess I’ll have to move on. Not give up; I’ve said that I won’t. But I should prepare to put this on the backburner, just in case. I’m bracing myself for it because I’m thinking it shouldn’t be too long from now. If you’re happy just the way things are, I guess I shouldn’t push my luck. I cherish you too much as a friend to let my heart get in the way of this and screw things up.

I’ve been treading so carefully with you. I usually have this “Fuck All” attitude when it comes to relationships, like a let’s try things out and clear up the shit later. The thought I’ve put behind everything I’ve done thus far stuns me sometimes. I’ve changed a lot and it’s a good thing; I kind of like this reasonable Belinda.

And it’s just proving to me again and again that having you around has done wonders for me. Really. I wouldn’t be this person I am now if things happened differently and if I’d never met you. Like I’ve said so many times before, you make me want to be all I can be. I’m striving towards that for both of us because we feed off each other sometimes yes?

It’s funny because there are times when it feels like it’s just right, you know? Chemistry and all that mumbo jumbo? Maybe it’s just friendship. I guess it probably is just that. The good friend zone. I always find myself in this zone for some reason.

Maybe I’ve been reading in too much into all these signs. I guess, whatever it is, I’ll just have to roll with it and try to find a solution that is good for me and for you.

Great, now it’s gonna take me another half hour before I fall asleep. How do I go to bed when I’ve got thoughts like this? These thoughts I have of you usually keep me up anyway, but tonight it’s going to be worse than usual I’m guessing.

Ah, such dilemmas. I wish you were here, because you comfort me and boy do I need a hug right now.

Variables.

I put the “pro” in procrastination.

My photojournalism assignment is due this Friday and I have yet to settle on a theme. It’s has to be either poverty, lifestyle, crisis or public/private event. I think I’m screwed D:

I’ve recruited Ramin as my mentor/creative genius like person for the assignment. Made a date with him to go trigger happy on Wednesday. Don’t know what we’re gonna end up shooting but it’s got to fit into one of those themes up there. If shit hits the fan… we’ll head to Chow Kit or something and take photos of beggars and grime.

But to be honest, I hope it doesn’t happen. I’m actually quite chicken about bringing myself to Chow Kit. Last time when I was a kid and followed my parents around everywhere, we’d go to the wet market in Chow Kit almost weekly. I hated it. Being there made me feel like I was catching some contagious disease. I’d pass by all sorts of people (especially in the darker alleys further in) and they’d all give me this cock stare if I happened to cross eyes with them. It was this look that plainly said “Mind yourself.” Or at least that’s how I perceived it at the time.

So yeah, I really hope I don’t need to use Chow Kit as my background. It gives me the creeps D: