Confused.

I’m pretty patient (or so I’d like to think). Ok, maybe not patient, but I can tolerate quite a bit. It’s the lapse of basic consideration for others which I just cannot and won’t stand for. That and fucktards.

I’ve been bitching about this stupid peeve the whole day to anyone who would (and wouldn’t) listen. And for that reason, I’ll not go into details here. Let’s just say I was so mad, my bitch face kinda just burst through and that kinda met my bitch-quota for the day.

ANYWAY. On to other things. I finally began college again. My God, I don’t think I could handle another one month long break. It drove me to the brink of insanity. But the break was good, mostly. I needed the time to get some things into perspective. It’s all better now.

Also, as I’m prepping this post now, I am munching on some Lindt chocolate. And I’m also thinking a lot about Valentine’s day. And I’m really confused because mix signals do that to a person.

I’m going back to Tumblr-ing. I don’t want to analyze things now.

PS: I wish you’d apologize.

Hop to it then.

If you hate pining and whining, best to not read this post.

Ok. So I’ve been feeling like crap and worse. I’m quite tired of not knowing exactly what I’m aiming for, disappointed that some of my friendships have been falling apart and really annoyed at how tired I am of feeling lonely.

I can’t make up my mind ‘cause one minute I don’t give two fucks if I have to cut ties and the next I’m doing everything I can to mend things and get things back to normal.  And and and I find that at first I’m interested and two seconds later I give you the cold shoulder. Fuck. I’m a mess. I gotta sort my shit out. It’s just the first friggin’ month of 2011 and already I feel like smashing in somebody’s head.

Ok and I’ll be really pissed if I have to spend fucking Valentine’s Day alone again. I don’t care if I have to spend it with a friend even, I'm just really tired of the loneliness. Call me desperate, pathetic or whatever, this is how I feel and I should at least be free to express it. I don’t have control of much, but I know this is one thing that no one can force me to change.

You know, I just miss having someone to care for and having someone who cares for me. You can say I have my friends who care, and yes they do, but you and I both know they’re just two different kinds of care.

Oh, gosh honestly. I’m tired of being alone and bitter and mad. Please let this all change. Just somehow change.

Tumbling and Tweeting.

Okay, so I realise I’ve been a bit slow on updating the blog and all, and here’s the reason why: my life is kinda ‘meh’ now. Still on college break, so there’s not much to say. I’ve spent most of my time on Tumblr and Twitter and there’s really not much else to be said.

Oh, but the bestie and I are going to start baking on a fortnightly basis or something. We tried already a few times, and so far, we’ve done quite okay. I wanna make an apple pie next. nomnomnom. maybe I’ll bake one the day before college starts. nomnomnom. Then I can bring some pie to class! NOMNOMNOM.

Okay, I’m going back to stalking trolling tumbling now.

I HAVE SO MUCH OF A LIFE, LIKE OH MY GOD, I KNOW RIGHT?

Yeah, okay, tata!

Hello 2011, I think we’ll get along just fine.

So, I didn’t exactly kick off 2011 in glamorous fashion but something is telling me it’s going to be a great year.

Tomorrow (or should I say today??) is going to be a great day. AND YOU KNOW WHYYYY? Because I’m seeing my girls at college :))))) I haven’t seen them in almost a month. Okay, 3 weeks if you’re fickle about it, but yeah; 3 WEEKS IS A REALLY LONG TIME!

Anyway, I can’t wait to see them. Really. It’s probably the highlight of my past two weeks or something. Honest. That, and also I’m super hyper now, so maybe everything else that happened before this just isn’t processing, you know.

I want to talk about my New Year’s resolution, but this is kinda ish ish ishhhh part of the little something I prepared for my girls. After I give them their “gifts”, I promiseeee to blog about it. Because I’m really excited about it. AND YOU KNOW WHYYYY? Because this resolution of mine involves me spending more time with my best friend in the whole wide world, Joyee :)))) Oh my God; my heart is really just overflowing with love today now isn’t it. Slut with a big heart, hmm Ratata?

Heh, I’m misty-eyed :) Ok, I’ve been semi-misty-eyed since I started writing this post actually. I love these people very much, despite the little things that sometimes ruffle our feathers.

Ah, my photobook files have just been successfully copied to the CD. That’s my cue to hit the hay. I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow! (And I rarely say that if it requires me getting up before noon, so you know this means something) :D

Night!

Urm. Yeah. Maybe this is going some place. And that’s very scary.

See, though I’ve openly admitted that I’m over my most recent heartache kinda thing, I’ve been somewhat doubtful. As in, I never thought I’d be able to move on just yet. However, it seems that maybe I have?

Maybe it means I’ve fully accepted the fact that there isn’t any hope for the old flame. And this is great news, because I want to be free of that feeling. The feeling that I had to try so hard to make things progress to that next stage. So, bottomline, this is good.

Now, this new thing is just scaring me a little. I don’t want to rush into anything, yet at the same time, it feels very good to have someone who makes it quite known that there is at least a “like” factor between us. That’s really comforting, because it seems like it’s been awhile since that happened. Or maybe not, but for the past year, my brain was so preoccupied on that one person, that the others didn’t really matter so much. Maybe I brushed ‘em off. And maybe now I’m actually beginning to notice my other options.

Euw. I hate that I used “options” to describe people around me. I don’t mean it that way. I guess, I’m just realising that there are other people out there and just because I was let down this year, it doesn’t mean I’ll be forever alone.

This new thing is really scary for me. That probably explains why I try to not expect anything of you. I do, sometimes, but that’s because I’m a girl and it’s what girls do. As scared as I am, I need you to know it’s not really because of anything you’ve done. Like I mentioned earlier, you being here is comforting. I just don’t know if it’s time for me yet.

Let’s just wait and see?

2010 highs.

This year has been a great year for me. Really. There’s nothing I can immediately think of that I regret doing. So now, I’m going to list down 10 awesome things that have happened to me this year X)

1. I participated in my first ever musical, Bernarda Alba, and met some amazing people there.
2. I got my SPM results which were not too bad AND I got an A- for Additional Math (which I usually flunk!)
3. I got a full scholarship to study Mass Comm at IACT.
4. I met my girls Kate, Rathika and Fatima. And that’s the first time I’ve actually been really close to a group of girls. And I love them :))
5. I kinda know who cares about me and which people I can count on in theater now. It’s good that I don’t really feel like an outsider anymore…well, maybe slightly, but I’m happy with this maybe in, maybe out kind of position.
6. I GOT TO PERFORM IN FRIGGIN’ SINGAPORE! Honestly, I think that’s one of the highlights of this year. My God, Singapore was just so important and life-changing for me. I was there to work, but the discoveries I made within myself while there really gave me this peace. Everything about it was a vote of confidence. Oh my God, I could talk about my experience there on and on.
7. I did Shake-your-own-speare which was an improv thing, and it was just, wow. I’m glad I worked with Jit, Ivan and Sharon.
8. Mukabuku got restaged at the Actor’s Studio! We performed to audiences that paid RM350 for us okaaaaay! Such an awesome feeling.
9. Even though many of my highs were from theater, this short two month self-imposed hiatus has actually been really good to me. Sure, I whine and wish I had lines to memorise and rehearsals to go to, but this break has given so much more time for everything else. I’m meeting up with people I have seen in AGES and spending more “me” time.
10. I’ve started believing in myself more than I ever have before.

YEAAAAAAAAAAH. The last one is just cheating, but it’s true; I have grown a lot this year. Oh, a good year with no regrets. I couldn’t ask for more :)

BREAAAK.

I’m on college break till Jan 10th. I’m going to use this time to watch the Dexter series and read and chill and meet up with people I haven’t seen in ages. I don’t have the time or patience or mood to blog. I mean, hello, I don’t get college breaks often so I might as well use these few weeks to their fullest potential.

Laaaaaaaaaaah. Ok. I’m gonna start on Season 2 now. WHEEEEEE.

It’s a happy, happy holiday :)

December isn’t gonna cut me any slack whatsoever.

The reaction I got when I told my younger brother to hand over the gaming controls because I was grumpy, stressed and needed to chill the fuck out before my PR exam tomorrow..

 

I wish my PR exam was the day after tomorrow. My brain is still flushing out all my Sociology notes and it just won’t let me get started on work. Today is just one of those day’s where you feel so sloth in a very bad way. I wish I could push myself into studying now, but it’s just not possible. I WANNA CURL UP IN BED AND SLEEP.

My exam is at 9am tomorrow. So, I’m hoping my mood picks up by then. I’ve got to at least study 5 chapters. omg, i really do feel so bloody useless and limp.

Gah. I want this week to be done and over with. FML.

Sociology makes my life so difficult.

Sociology: Taboo (n) is a prohibition resulting from social or other conventions.

Me: Taboo is a game I play with my cousins when we’re bored of Monopoly.

SEE THE DIFFERENCE?

I’m sorry, but Sociology, you and I were never meant to be!

I hate that there are SO many definitions to memorise. I’m bad at getting things right, word for word. Can I just focus on the reasoning bits in the exam tomorrow? Memorization is so frustrating. I’m going to exploit my knack for words and try my best to convince the examiners that I know what I’m talking about… even if I do get all the definitions wrong. Blah.

I should be fine… right? Besides, it’s ONLY a fifty percent exam. I CAN DO THIS!

Okay. I should stop talking about succeeding and actually do something to get me to where I need to be. I’m going back to go back to reading up on Culture and the many theoretical analyses surrounding it. Oh God, I can’t wait for this sem to be done and over with. I swear, if I have to read up on theoretical analyses for my other course subjects next sem, I eez going to bust a cap in heeeere.

And with that, I leave you.

Oh and here’s a dinosaur to keep watch on my blog while I’m away.

TATAAAAAAAAA.

I’m a panicking panda ‘cause I don’t know any kung-fu.

Yeah, I decided I wasn’t ready to go to sleep because my mind was still swimming with stuff to say.

I know I’m gonna do okay for Malaysian Studies tomorrow, but as always, I feel a slight tinge of uncertainty. But I’m not panicking, don’t let the title fool you. And I’m not a panda either in case you were wondering (though my eye bags make the panda part pretty convincing!) I’m just feeling very ‘meh’ right now and let me tell ya, it is not a good feeling to go to bed with.

But I digress:

Malaysian Studies, as much as I detest the way you’re taught, it now seems that you might be the only subject that I can ace this semester. So please be nice to me okay? ‘Cause I really need to up my GPA this time. kthxbai.

Here’s to hoping I’ll keep my cool tomorrow and not run out of the exam hall halfway through screaming bloody murder.

Yes, and I think my brain is emptied for now, so that will do.

G’night.