Song montage 7,915,204 for heartache number 3.

You stole my heart and then you kicked it aside. But do you really feel alive without me? Are you mine, not just when you wanna be, all the time?  Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart. Driving in your car, I never, never want to go home. Maybe you’re gonna be the one that saves me. I might as well write the words right on my face that all I want is you. I can't explain why it's not enough 'cause I gave it all to you. Does he drive you wild or just mildly free? She took my heart; I think she took my soul. If everything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again. I’ll wait for you but I can’t wait forever.  I know we can make it if we take it slow. I cannot stop thinking about you, I cannot stop wondering if you are constantly thinking about me. What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me? You get used to the pain. Love you so much, it makes me sick. I don't know why I fight for you this way. You know what I wanted, I gave what I gave. Would I be out of line if I said I miss you? Aku pergi tapi aku kembali. All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here in my arms. I wished I was special; you're so very special. You are everything I want ‘cause you are everything I’m not.

We've got to make a decision because this isn't healthy.

An excuse of sorts.

I've vowed so many times to keep this blog going, but the lack of wi-fi at home has become a real pain. It's about 3 months now and it's played a huge part in my cyber absence.

Yes, there are tons of spots around college with wi-fi and all, but because I rarely have spare time, when I do get online, I spend it updating all the necessary portals first; I reply emails, I get back to all my adoring fans on Facebook, reply all the belated tweets and of course, queue up my Tumblr.

…okay, so maybe I have begun to prioritize Tumblr over this blog, but I promise, it is only because I don't want to spend my scarce internet time thinking of what to share and what to hide on this blog.

I miss blogging here tons, but… I've got my little white book of secrets now which has sated the blogging itch. I think that book is almost have full and it's been less than two months since I began writing in it. I'll probably need to get another one soon.

"Then I guess we should just be friends" "I'm just kidding Holly, you know that I'll love you till the end"

Those are lyrics from one of my most recent drugs – "Well It's True That We Love One Another", The White Stripes.

NOT THAT I'VE FOUND ANYONE I'D LOVE TILL THE END! well… maybe Capri and the girls. definitely not myself. but we will not digress; I have to explain my heartache for her. it's been awhile and I am still hooked.

oh c'mon; you must have guessed I would rant a bit about ze non-existent love life at some point right.

Here's an excerpt from my would-be journal that explains how I've been holding up (not).

"…I've gotten used to the idea of being expendable. And I accept now that nothing lasts forever and since that's the case, nothing is usually worth the heartache. Oh I sound like a sad fat girl who will miss out on life…well, I am… I've become a hateful thing."

That's the horrible mindset that's plagued me. It really sucks balls. It was a significant low point in the course of things that were to happen and I guess you could say I was on the brink of giving up because I felt like a weakling. I felt… unnecessary. and pretty fucking unloved.

The thing here is that I still miss her as much as I did a month ago. And that's not good because she got along pretty darn well in my absence. And shit that fucking hard to admit.

Am I friggin' delirious? I don't know but I'm afraid that we might just be friends… which we are now, but I don't want that…I think. I mean, I want to be friends but more, just not yet.

Ok fuck the romantic shit; I want to have a shot. Yes, that's it. I want to have a chance to see if this can go anywhere. And I don't think two weeks is a fair duration. Not at all. I don't want to give up on this possibility, if there's even one.

I mean I tried for a bit to stop the madness and the want, but the minute there was even a glimmer of hope, I fell back into the insanity that seems to envelope her.

Oh shit I can't believe I'm writing about this here. fuckfuckfuck.

After being apart for a pretty long time, we recently spoke again. And that day was pretty darn great and I was wrapped around her finger again. Just like that. But damn, I know that I will remember that day for a really long time, because it was the stuff great scripts are made of.

I wrote something on Tumblr which was more detailed and I can't post it here because I'm afraid I might be found out. (yes, that's another reason I rant on tumblr a lot, because not a lot of people I know have me on there and I couldn't give two fucks if a stranger thought I was a pathetic piece of shit).

As I said earlier, I miss her and I think I'm beginning to accept(?) that I'm a bit past just crushing and probably that is what scares me the most. It's been awhile since the reality of what can and can't happen has been so in my face.

I'm scared and that's the truth and she knows because my façade just doesn't work with her. Since the first week, she could always read me.

And that makes me question why nothing has happened between us yet.

oh shit I'm striking out a lot of things; it's like all my secrets are tumbling out.

and notice how all the strike outs only begin when I start talking about her?

Fuck.

I wish I knew what I should do, like, some kind of meter which could tell me if my actions are doing me any good at all because, lately, it's been hard to trust myself.

Especially around her.

These things take time, love.

This blogger is very upset with herself. I should be fine and dandy by now. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

See, it's easy to decide you're going to be happier; it's a whole other thing to actually put it into practice. I made the decision to be happier last year when I performed in Singapore. I had this brilliant (and simple) epiphany while I was there; I needed to do more things that made me happy. Sadly, I think for the past few months I've been doing the exact opposite.

Theater was always this outlet of great escape for me. It was reassuring knowing I could transform myself (convincingly I hope) into whatever character I needed to portray. I think that's what I loved about acting the most; the feeling of control and that most times I could completely become another person.

Of course, that view has changed a bit since then. I've learned to really appreciate writing and the work that goes into creating an amazing and truthful performance. Even so, I still find a lot of comfort and "Zen" when I manage to pull off the right intentions.

I haven't performed in a proper stage production since MukaBuku. It's been almost six months. The interactive theater bit that I was involved in earlier this year (while I enjoyed it) just wasn't enough I guess. I miss performing. The bump-in period, the rush to get lines down, the horrible/hilarious fuck ups. So I ask myself; if acting brings me so much joy, why have I stopped?

It's been puzzling me for such a long time. I just… I really don't understand it. Every time I try to solve this mystery, I feel my chest grow really uneasy. I'm completely at a loss.

And I feel to some extent, my lack of involvement in performing arts has led me to the rut I'm in. I had something to lift me up last time when the world got in the way of my peace of mind. Now, I've lost that security and confidence and I feel very vulnerable.

I've grown a lot as a person and I know I'm still struggling with a lot of things. I understand and accept that I've got a lot of issues to address and sort out and come to terms with. I guess it takes time.

But I really would like to believe that I am on the road to recovery, even if it's just a tentative step in that direction. I'd like to believe I haven't yet done all I can do to help myself and there's still a chance that one day I'll find resolve. Like boom, one day I'll wake up and I'll be where I want to be.

I hope these aren't just empty words but one day, I hope I will be happy.

The High before the Crash.

8 years.

FUCK YOU. 8 years. I tried to be the best I could be to you. And now you're gonna just stop? No explanation, no calls, no texts, no nothing.

I'm damn tired of it. I've been feeling like crap this past two months, trying to salvage the friendship we had. But I am so done putting myself out there for you.

FUCK YOU. I found it in me to abandon my ego and you just sit there on your ass like you're fucking royalty and just brush me aside. What gives you the right to do that? You don't even have the balls to own up to it. You run and run and run. You can't look me in the eye.

I guess now I know what I ever meant to you. You were ready to let me fall at any given time. BECAUSE ALL YOU EVER REALLY GAVE A FUCK ABOUT WAS YOURSELF. To some extent, I can understand that; you need to put yourself first. But I never got in the way of that. So just tell me why you're just trampling all over me?

You know. This post was supposed to be about how great my birthday was, it was supposed to be about the girl I like, it was going to be about how awesome the past few days have been.

Well, thanks for bringing me back to reality. If I can spend 8 years trying to please someone and still somehow not be enough, I guess there's no point even hoping I'll ever mean anything to anyone.

Yeah, I'm letting you know the wreck you're leaving behind. But honest to God, I'm so sick of investing myself in relationships. Fuck it.

Thanks for teaching me a lesson I'll keep forever; the only person who can ever truly love you is yourself.

I'm not letting anyone in.

Wanker

Gonna wank off about my feeeeelings and gratitude now.

I have some of the bestest most awesome friends. I may not be Miss Popular or whatever, but I'd choose quality or quantity any day. And my friends are like fine fucking top notch Persian rugs.

Some of the texts I've been getting have reminded me of the awesome support system I have. I like that though we drift apart now and then, they'll always be there, as I'll always be for them.

These people are pretty good reason to continue pushing forward and enduring all the curveballs.

I feel very very loved.

It's my Birthday!

Yeaaaah. I'm spending my birthday at Old Town White Coffee Jalan Ipoh. FUN? INDEED.

My family threw a little dinner party for me last night. It was a small event; the usual suspects were there and we spent most of the nights reminiscing. Of course, tons of my blunders and epic fail moments came about, but it was nice to remind ourselves of how silly we were as kids (not that I'm not still a kid anyway).

After, me, Nicky, Bernice and Denice went out for drinks at Brussels in JayaOne. Stayed out till after midnight and went straight home after 'cause I was completely drained. My cousins weren't really drinkers so we cut the night pretty short.

At midnight, quite a few people texted and called me to wish me happy birthday. But because I was so exhausted and kinda out of it, I didn't reply most of the texts. And when I woke up today, there were 5 missed calls on my phone and like 11 texts. I slept through all of the ringing :3

So. Today is laid back. A nice laid back birthday. I might be going out with someone later, but the fella still sleeping lah. hahahaha And later tonight, I'm gatecrashing a party. Late night board games, here I come!

Yes, so it may look now that my birthday is gonna be pretty boring. But my girls helped plan me a party for tomorrow night :D (Srsly, you guys, I love you both for organizing the whole thing, really)

I'll update more on that after it actually happens. But I'm really looking forward to tomorrow :)

Unrequited Love.

"Everything that belonged to her husband made her weep again: his tasseled slippers, his pajamas under the pillow, the space of his absence in the dressing table mirror, his own odor on her skin."

Love in the Time of Cholera,
Gabriel Garcia Marquez

This book is poetry. So beautiful. It was pretty damn draining to read (for me) because the language was twisted so beautifully. I've got about another 30 pages to read but I just had to post up that quote. That was the line which captivated me most.

It's a love story that spans 51 years so no shit it's a lot to digest. The first half of the book for me was golden. The next 50 pages after that were a bit draggy, but this book just somehow manages to pull you back in. There's this really beautiful flow to it, how he transitions from one point to another. I'm hoping to his other famous book, One Hundred Years of Solitude :)

Yes, it's a story on unrequited love but it's just genius.

Laser Tag.

I went for my first ever laser tag experience with Dodo, Capri and Nikki (Caps sistaaaaaaah). At first I was all psyched, even though I only found out we were going to play laser tag on the way to mid valley, and because a certain somebody(whose name rhymes with CAREFREE) forgot to let me know the day before, I went laser tagging in a skirt.

Even better, out of the group of around 30 who were going to play in our mission, only me and Nikki were girls… and on top of that we were the only two people who hadn't ever played before.

Anyway, as I mentioned, I was psyched at first. But the minute we got into the space, I knew I wasn't going to enjoy myself the way I thought I would. I sucked balls. I think I almost tripped like 5 times (but at least I didn't run into any pillars and bump myself on the forehead).

But yeah, we were playing with kids who were younger than us (probably no older than 15 most of 'em) and they were SO into it, it creeped me out. hahahaha omg, I sound like a friggin' pussy but well...

I've always been kiasu but those kids there were on another level. Needless to say, I got hit like every 15 seconds or whatever. I guess lots of people would love that rush of playing a commando; getting to run for cover, doing ninja rolls across the floor, sneaking up on enemies and when I think about it, I guess I would too. But when push came to shove, I guess I wasn't much into it. Maybe because it was my first time and I still felt out of sorts.

Capri mentioned it probably wasn't so fun since we were playing with strangers; I guess if it was a big ass group of friends, it'd be a different story.

Either way, I don't think I'll be super-stoked the next time anyone mentions laser tag. I enjoyed the experience I guess, but maybe I'll save my RM25 for .shoes or drinks or something.

Fluffy-fying.

I'm so horrible at watching TV. I mean, I know I'm a lazy fart  and TV is often the lazy fart's most prized possession but really; I'm in a state of restlessness. With the internet at home be disabled till next week, I find myself struggling to entertain myself.

Since TV can't satisfy me (EHEM), I've made it a point to finish reading "Love in the Time of Cholera" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez by next week. However, because it's been almost a month since I spent more than 2 hours on a good book, I find  my attention swaying so much.

I feel like I have to be actively doing something. Ok not actively, maybe physically? Reading is basically me lying in bed with a book in my hand and the only time I move is when I flip the pages. For that reason, reading just can't hold my attention too long. I have no clue when this little tick started happening to me. Two years ago, I was happy to stay in bed all day on a weekend reading whatever book I could find.

Yes, I know, bumming yourself around the laptop isn't active either. But I have to say, I enjoy typing; I'm DOING something. And when I blog, I actually do give thought to what it is I'm putting out. Well, Most of it is just brain food but it's an active thing. And I don't just blog here, but also only tumblr (and other than pretty photos, I do have some personal posts in there because I know my tumblr is relatively unknown to people I know in real life).

Also, I think when I'm online, I'm usually buzzed. 'Cause more often than not, I'm waiting for a specific someone to come online or to start talking to me. And because I don't have the balls to text said person everyday, I worry for said person on and off throughout the course of my boring day. I'm Pisces and I'm a daydreamer by nature, so my daydreams are often pretty exciting (and fluffy-fying).

Heh. Fluffy-fying. I like that word. I think shall call this post, Fluffy-fying.

Rina and Yosuke

3 years ago my dad brought in two Japanese backpackers to live with us for awhile. One was Rina, who if I'm not mistaken, had just finished secondary education in Japan and was around Asia before going back to her hometown of Osaka. The other was Yosuke, this dude who was a mad ass percussionist; he too backpacked all around Asia, with only his drums to get him any income.

I remember when I first met both of them, I felt really awkward. Neither of 'em spoke very good English and they were literally strangers picked out of the street. How and why? The day that my dad met both of them, he was around the Puduraya bus station during one of his events. My dad was almost hit by a bus that day and he was lucky because someone yanked him back just in time. I guess my dad saw it as a sign and karma works both ways, so I guess he decided it was his turn to do something good for someone else.

He bumped into Yosuke and Rina as they fumbled with a map, trying to get directions (or something like that). Both of them too had met perchance; they just happened to meet each other at Puduraya that day. My dad spoke with them and offered to take them in for however long they wanted.

Rina stayed for about two weeks and Yosuke almost two months. I remember crying quite a bit when they left; they were pretty awesome people.

I know you're probably tired of hearing PRAY FOR JAPAN. To be honest, I am too, especially when people just use the phrase again and again to feel good about themselves.

It's terrible, what's happening there. I just wished I knew if Rina and Yosuke are okay. We couldn't keep in contact once they left Malaysia because for some reason their email addresses didn't work.

I'm just praying (yes, praying) that somehow, they weren't in Japan at the time. They're backpackers right? Maybe they're safe.

But yeah. I really hope their okay. And it makes me really sad that there's no way to even know :(