Nightmares and things that go screech.

You, Omar, Rosheen, Calvin, Dorian and I were at this KFC near my house, where the Subway usually is. Rosheen and Omar were explaining to me how they got their car and Omar was grumpy because Rosheen was hogging the mash potato.

Opposite our KFC, is HSBC and this small burger stall just in front of it. Omar Jr was sitting by the roadside having a burger. Calvin and Dorian went out to sit with him. We remained in the KFC.

Suddenly there was a huge crash. There was chaos. People were running everywhere, trying to hide from these machine-looking aliens with laser guns. We realised we had to get out. Omar Jr ran into the KFC and told us we had to get away, far out of the city. And that's when we realised there wasn't enough space in the car. Calvin and Dorian were gone and we came in Omar Jr's Kancil. I looked to you, realising that I couldn't come with. You said "I'm sorry. I love you." and all four of you left. I remember very distinctly the sound of the tires screeching as you guys drove off.

I'm running in a crowded mall. I think, for now, the mall is relatively safe. It hasn't been invaded yet. Everywhere I go, people are breaking into shops to get provisions. I decided I'd better as well. I had to fend for myself.

I got to the lower ground floor and went into the supermarket. I grabbed as many canned foods as I could carry. Suddenly, the whole supermarket was hushed. We started hiding in the aisles. A group of three, maybe four aliens walked past us. Once they had left, I decided it was best I leave the supermarket to find a better hiding place. I was on my way out when I dropped one of the cans I was holding. When I turned around to see if I had dropped anything else, there you were. You didn't see me. I dropped everything I was holding, ran to you and hugged you for the first time in what felt like forever (though I'm sure it was less than a day). I remember repeating your name over and over.

I can't tell if I woke up right after because of all the crying I was doing in real life or because an alien shot me; I did after all give away my position, what with all the hysterical wailing and the sound of tin cans falling to the floor.

But whatever it was, I'm glad I found you first.

I'm sorry for being sorry.

I must stop apologising. It's a habit I have unwillingly picked up.

Wait. Why did I use the words "picked up"? It's not like I got it from someone. In fact, I'm surrounded by people who rarely apologise… I think. Well, I know at least that I do not have any close friends who apologise profusely. So this habit is probably a result of my psych.

BUT I DIGRESS.

My point was that I have started to apologise way too much. I apologise for everything, even mistakes that aren't mine.

Funny though. I'm all for apologising, but I can't find it in myself to forgive this one person, no matter how many times she says she's sorry.

OOPS, I DIGRESSED AGAIN.

I think this habit I have is actually doing me more harm than good. I have to stop setting my value so low; why do I have to apologise if I'm not to blame? Why should I be the one to bow down?

….

Hmm. Actually, I think that is the reason for my constant apologies. It's to give power to the person I'm apologising to. It's to appease the other party. I bow down so that you can feel more powerful, more in control. But why do I do that?

FUCCCCCKKK.

This rant just got all circular logicky.

I don't foresee this habit dying off soon. But I guess it doesn't matter what I see. For all I know, starting this very minute, it may take me days before I apologise for anything at all.

However, there is one thing that I am truly sorry for…

I am not sorry that I feel the need to control and plan everything. However, I am sorry I expected you to do the same.

Out of all the other apologies, this apology, I promise you, is the sincerest.

I am a complicated person.

I wish I wasn't a jealous person. I wish I was one of those people who are so self assured, so confident and trusting, that they would not get jealous. They believe in themselves and they know there is no reason for jealousy, because they know where they belong.

It's just… sometimes, I read things. Or see things. And immediately my mind starts conjuring up memories that are not mine. Possible memories that belong to a time when you didn't know me, to a time when she was your world.

And I have to say this because it's just going to eat me up from inside if I don't; it bothers me slightly that we're in a relationship but there are these comments by other girls (some exes, too) on your profile.

It's not all the comments though. These are the comments that are suggestive. Comments from a time when you were in a relationship with her. Comments from a time when you were single and flirting was fine.

It's your past, I get it, there's no way I can deny you that.

But the notion that other people may be reading these comments with the knowledge that you're in a relationship with me… I don't know. It upsets me. I know this relationship is ours and I shouldn't care what people assume, but I feel.. it makes me feel embarrassed.

And when I think about it, I can't help but get slightly teary-eyed.

Ugh. Stupid, stupid Belinda.

The number one.

I don't want to be here. Right now, I would kill to be elsewhere.

There's so much sense of community here. So much warmth.

I just want to mope. I want to be alone with my depression and nurse it till it is satisfied. That's what I need.

I'd also like to bawl my eyes out but I don't want people to start consoling me. It only makes it worse.

Well,

I want you to console me. No, not console me. I want you to just be around me. I want to be around you. Because, believe it or not, sometimes the things you say make sense and resonate with me. But these are the simple things, not the preachy things. Sometimes, your words help move my own depression along.

CNY BLUES

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tork6WZWh-0

She's a pretty girl
She's always falling down
I think I just fell in love with her
But she will never remember, remember
And I can always find her
At the bottom of a plastic cup
Drowning in drunk's insanity
A sad & lonely girl
Quit crying your eyes out
Quit crying your eyes out
Baby, come on
As if there's something familiar about me
The past is only the future with the lights on
Quit crying your eyes out, baby
And she said;
"I think we're running out of alcohol
Tonight, I hate this fucking town
And all my best friends will be the death of me
but they will never remember, remember
So please take me far away
Before I melt into the ground
And all my words get used against me"
A sad & lonely girl
Quit crying your eyes out
Quit crying your eyes out
Baby, come on
As if there's something familiar about me
The past is only the future with the lights on
Quit crying your eyes out, baby
Quit crying your eyes out
Quit crying your eyes out
Baby, come on
As if there's something familiar about me
The past is only the future with the lights on
Quit crying your eyes out
as if there's something familiar about me
Quit crying your eyes out
The past is only the future with the lights on
Quit crying your eyes out, baby

There.

There are all these things that I want to tell you about, but you don't want to listen.

So you shut me up and you shoot me down.

I feel like I've lost my voice sometimes. And when I do get it back, I feel guilty for using it. Because nobody wants to hear. Because I am being immature and… everything I go through is trivial.

So fine.

I'll pretend to stop caring. I don't want to bore you. I'll just keep to myself then. I'll let my thoughts and worries implode. I won't inconvenience you. because if you see it as an inconvenience, I don't want to go through with it.

You hate me. You just don't know because there is a fine line between love and hate and, half the time, the line is blurred.

I'm going to disappear now.

Goodbye.

*If this post sounded a little bit suicidal at the end there, it wasn't meant to be. See? It wasn't meant to be.

If it makes you feel sad.

I think you have a right to feel the way you feel. I believe you have a right to your emotions. It's one of those things that you should have control of, even if you feel out of control, you know?

No one has the right to order you to not feel a certain way. They may ask, they may try to persuade or coerce, but ultimately, you decide on what you're feeling.

I'm not saying that it's the best option to wallow in your emotions, but if you feel like it, no one can stop you. Never underestimate a person's will or drive.

I don't know what I'm feeling now. I suppose it's a mixture. I'd like to feel better, but at the same time, I feel like just layan-ing this crappy feeling till I breakdown. Because the moments after the breakdown often see me at my most liberated.

And that's what I want to feel the most; liberation.

But I feel, no matter how many times, I break my self down and build myself back up, there will always be this residue of dissatisfaction. There will always be this weight that keeps me emotionally heavy and perpetually in turmoil.

 

It's funny, I often feel like I'm watching my life from the view of a master puppeteer. Like, I (the puppeteer) am in control of the chaos I (the puppet) go through. As if I create the uncontrollable and volatile emotions, not for myself, but for the story, for the outcome. for the journey.

For the puppet! Just so happens that puppet is me.

So. Can the tears and yelling and pounding and frustration just commence so I can get it over with? So that I can feel the worst before I feel a little better?

House.

I crave conversation. I'm that kind of addict. I feel more at home, more at ease, I feel happier there than here for that one reason. There's communication. There's conversation. I feel less lonely there, than in my own home. so disjointed.

It may not last, but still. I feel… it's warmer there.

I guess I'm going back to cigarettes.

I had my first stick in 4 months just about 5 minutes ago. I just need to be doing something. But it's 7am. There's not very much to do.

I need to be active. To get myself busy doing something. I can't sit here because then I'll start to think.

I'm trying to be very strong. I'm trying to make the hard decision and make it stick. Because I… I believe its for the best. We'll look back on this decision and we'll see it was. Now, it feels like shit, but a month from now, you'll be glad for it. You'll be happy. I can't give you happy.

… Ok. That paragraph is a perfect example of me trying desperately to be objective. The heart wants what it wants but I can't give in to its wants because I need to starve it. Then it'll learn that there are some things it will never get. And that it can't get so attached.

It's surprising. I have been able to keep myself together, mostly. But I know it's because there's a part of me that doesn't believe this is the end. Because of what I feel. And what you feel. Because unlike times before, this is happening because…

I don't know why this is happening. Maybe for the first time, it's really just because we're not compatible. Just like that divorce term. Irreconcilable differences?

During Parah rehearsal yesterday, Jo said something to the actors. It went something along the lines of -

The more you want to connect, quite paradoxically, the more mortified you are when you do have a fight.

And immediately, I thought of this situation we're in. Maybe this is what led to it.

Fuck, Belinda. Keep it together. You can. You mustn't cry. You've done way too much of that already. Be a big girl and stop crying.

Trait(or).

Inadequate. Pointless. Self-centered. Selfish. Naïve. Stupid. Childish. Sensitive. Insensitive. Hard-headed. Rude. Useless. Good for nothing. Screw up. Disappointment. Bad. Hateful. Despicable. Malicious. Evil. Cruel. Inconsiderate. Mean. Horrible. Revolting. Disgusting. Indulgent. Bratty. Immature. Insufficient. Time waster. Mood changer. Destroyer. Let down.

There are days when all I feel like doing is turning in on myself. There are even more days where I wish, just somehow, someone will take mercy and terminate the system that keeps my brain running.

There are so many days when I wish I didn't make you unhappy but it seems that I have that effect on people. It would seem that all I am capable of is inciting anger frustration annoyance rage blind fury.

I am cancer to the people around me.