Stephen Crane's In The Desert

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter – bitter", he answered,
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart."

Post-Langkawi Blues.

Not even a week back in KL and already the weight and heartache of city life has set in.

Everything seemed better in Langkawi.

The sky was bluer. The sun was brighter. The air was fresher. The streets were cleaner. The people were happier.

And there was still the possibility of…something for you and I.

I want to go back. Or rather I want to run away from here. These KL blues make me want to be someone else entirely.

Even my dreams were better… the dream I woke up with today morning terrified me. You left.

Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back.

And recently I've been very touchy about sexuality. It hurts me that there's still so much hate. Doesn't matter if it's KL, Langkawi, USA; there's so much hate everywhere.

Everything to do with homophobia strikes a chord with me nowadays.

When will I be able to feel safe and secure with admitting that I like girls as well as guys? Sometimes, it makes me question if I'll ever be comfortable in my own skin.

Everything seems easier in a heterosexual world.

Mood: Disheartened.

Chase. Chase. Chase. Pit Stop. Chase.

I'm waking up next to nothing after dreaming of you and me.

- Radio by Alkaline Trio

This isn't a romantic song. It's actually about revenge. But these lyrics specifically were carefully constructed to inflict nostalgia and woe… must be.

I guess it's time for a rest? I already had a brief time in the beginning of May to recuperate and sort my shit out. However, the manic-ness of the last two weeks or so have driven me slightly over the point of sanity.

Need this time to rewire my brain. It has to stop thinking about you every few minutes. It's a glitch that must be fixed because I can't afford to care so much about someone who shows all signs of being out of reach.

Perhaps the next time we meet, I'll be a composed young lady who isn't giddy and in love.

Eh, jap jap jap. Love? When did this come into the picture? Gone lah. Kantoi. How's that song from Hercules? At least out loud, I won't say I'm in love.

Even more reason for me to get away from all these stupid emotions and feeeeeelings. So gross and so beautiful and wonderful at the same time.

I swear, I can't win.

I'm no Charlie Sheen.

P/S: I will do my best to remedy and heal. You cause me more distress than joy anyway. I will be happy and I simply must be because anything else isn't worth my time.

Langkawi, you will be unforgettable.