The Night of Sleeplessness.

I have been lying in bed for the past 4 hours but sleep has not come to claim me.

In between trying to force myself asleep, I started contemplating the universe, my existence and everything else under the sun (as one usually does when one cannot sleep).

My mind drifted. And it came to a scary revelation:

I still think about it. Almost everyday, I think about it. It's been close to three years since I last cut and still I'm convinced that there is only one possible conclusion.

This feeling of worthlessness and impending failure in career, love and life has somehow made its home in my brain. For 3 years I have thought it to have left me, but all this time it's been here. I just haven't noticed it.

Or I have noticed it but thought nothing of it. I caught myself last week thinking of this dark stuff but I dismissed it because I thought, hey, everyone has felt like giving up at some point and I'm allowed to have a down day.

I didn't realise until just now that these thoughts come to me almost daily. I remember thinking of it yesterday, the day before as well.

Now everything is coming back. Everything. And I realise that nothing has changed.

Sometimes I feel the urge is so strong I want to just throw myself out the window. Or take a dangerous stroll at 3am in the morning. Find a way to make it seem like an accident so that people will mourn and not hate me for being a selfish coward. Because I know I am one, but that's not what I want to be remembered as.

Some days I curse myself for not having the guts to just go through with it and end it once and for all.

And thanks to tonight's wonderful discovery, I feel it all.

I thought I'd made progress. I thought I wasn't that girl anymore. I thought I could beat it.

In so many ways, tonight has shown me that I am so much like my mom, the person I probably detest the most. I am so much like her and it makes me sick.

All this could have been avoided if I'd just swallowed a few more pills back in 2007, if I hadn't told that guy about what I'd done and just gotten into a cab and waited somewhere for the pills to work their magic.

But I was a coward then just like I am a coward now. Too cowardly to wait for the future and too much of a coward to take matters into my own hands. That's how useless I am.

I feel like that kid again when her parents split up, Standing in the kitchen, ready to strike, but waiting for someone to come home and stop her.

Argggggh, all these noises and voices in my head. I'm nothing! Just let me be, Just let me be.

It seems inevitable. It might be tomorrow. It might be a year from now. It might even be when I am 70. But I just know it's the only way,