BOOM!

Yeah I’m on a post frenzy today.

No, I don’t constantly thank God for Esteban. Why?

Because I don’t know Esteban personally.

Because Esteban hasn’t done squat for me.

Also because half the people aren’t sure if there is a God and I don’t want to have to pick sides.

If there is a God though, I thank him for people like Joyee Khoo, Arthur Chia, Calvin Tan and Johann Oh. Not forgetting Rathika, Kate and Fatima for putting up with all my d-d-d-drama.

What I would do without them, I do not know.

To those of you who are trying to figure out who this Esteban is and why he’s even in this post, you obviously don’t listen to Panic At The Disco.

Yay! I’ve starting linking again.

The emo-ness must be in its final stages.

The days fade in and out.

Words dance on the page as I try to no avail to explain all this. I scrunch up the paper – the 5th in the past 10minutes – and dump it into the bin. I peel away another piece of paper from the pile. There has to be a way to start this right.

And so, I go at it again; but 3 minutes into the thing and I know that this isn’t going to turn out much better than the previous. 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, they all end up in the bin.

The pencil hits the wall and rebounds, falling some 3 feet away from my writing desk. Done. I am done with this. Saying I love you should never be this difficult.

The words refuse to fall into place, like so many times before.

and…

and… I know that I’m not the “you” in your status updates.

I just don’t know anymore.

I don’t know what is going on. I really am at a loss for everything. Continuing seems bloody pointless. Giving up seems wasteful. But I’m afraid we’ve already hit that “We share private things with each other ‘cause we’re good friends and will always be” kinda thing. It’s something like that, and I know that stage is a killer.
I feel stupid.
I should give myself space, but I just can’t stay away. I really can’t; it’s just not possible when it comes to you.
Oh and irony loves me. Well, he isn’t really important! But the one you are imagining…I could have told you who it was.
BUT OF COURSE I DIDN’T!
It would have been silly to tell you about…well yourself.

Oh, heart. Be strong.

I need somebody who loves me.

Sincerity.

Genuine smiles are hard to come by. In a photo they may showcase every oral flaw you have, but those photos are reminders of real joy.

I hate that my genuine smiles only come about in pictures of you and I. I really can’t catch a break. Fuck.

Let’s face it; I’m not perfect. Ok lah, I’m far from perfect. I’m actually pretty messed up. But you somehow take all that away from me? I’m trying to put into words what I’m hearing inside, but I can’t find the right way to say it. You made me feel good and now that you’re gone, it seems like everything bad thing about me has become more pronounced.

Of course, this is just my emo-ness talking. It’s not that big a deal. But for now, it is causing me a lot of bad energy. bad juju vibes.

I wish you all the best. But I also wish that you will come back. That’s a contradiction, I know, but I am selfish that way.

PS: ilovemybitches. They are keeping me standing tall. <3

My Apologies Dear.

Sorry for all the profanities. I wont be deleting taht post because it will be a reminder for me to never dream that high again.

I don’t hate you. I don’t. But its now time for me to heal. You have taken a lot away from me. I am just getting over all of it. In time, I will be back to square one.

Hope is out to kill us all, one by one.

Fuck you. fuck you and you and you. really. ARGGGGGGGGGH! I’m so mad now. fuck pleasantries and trying to be polite lah; i’m bloody pissed. You think you can use me that way? I will never be your stepping stone. you danced circles around me. fuck you for all you’ve done. stop talking to me from now on; you aren’t worth my breath. you are a bitch. full stop. no explanation needed, no excuse or long justifications. you are as messed up as I am. I hope you end up broken by the end of it.

FUCK. I thought you were different.

Obviously, today didn’t pan out the way i wanted it to. so don’t fucking ask me how urbanscapes was ‘cause my reply will be something along the lines of “I hope you die”.

Always Quick to Follow…Not.

Ok, time for a normal blogpost, none of this emo lovesick crap. I want this post to be raving rambles and mysterious musings. or just a lot of blah blah blah on my part.

College is… better. All assignments submitted on time so far, but today is where it ends; Computer Graphics. Illustrator just hates me. It does. Either that or it got into a fight with my windows and decided to give the cold shoulder. Bottom line is I won’t be able to finish up my illustrator work, which is due at 530pm today.

So yes. I am screwed.

But I guess it’s not all bad. I mean, I actually did pretty good for myself; I survived 3 months of college without slacking off. That’s good right? In high school, I’d usually just stop caring around the third week. I’ve done well for myself this time around. SYABAS.

I have to say thanks to Kate, Rathika and Fatima though. I mean, if it wasn’t for them, I would probably slump into my autopilot mode and lose interest in everything to do with college and studying and grades. They’ve made college life extremely fun. And I think it’s because of them that there are some classes I am almost looking forward to now.

*gasp*

omgdidBelindaHonreallyjustsaythat?!

Yes, I just did. Refined, I am. Not quite, but a pretty changed person in some areas. Its all a very good thing :) Ok time to end this post: URBANSCAPES IS HAPPENING TOMORROW.

I am happy because I’ll have time for...well, stuff. *inserts cheeky wink and mischievous smile which in actual fact I do not have*

Sighs.

Life’s good.                                                                            

if only you knew.

You make me happy;

You make all the pain fade away.

I love you for that.

You want me to stop feeling down? Just talk to me more often; I can’t help but smile whenever I read your text or hear your voice. You give me something to smile about.

A jumble of jarring lyrics from songs that echo how I feel.

My Mantra.

I was so unique; now I feel skin deep. She cried on my shoulder begging please. And I can’t take no more; her tears like diamonds on the floor. We both know that I’m not that strong. With or without you. Something always brings me back to you. This heart, it beats, beats for only you; my heart is yours. And every line in every song, they all seem to come out wrong until your song. No you won't disarm my heart.myashtrayheart. Every now and then I fall apart. I can’t stop thinking about you.I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine. There goes my hero. Sing to me lies, let them linger. Because these words were never easier for me to say, or her to second guess. I'll follow you into the dark. Here, here and here. God, that was strange to see you again. I don’t know who you are anymore. You were the only face I'd ever known. I just want one more chance to put my arms in fragile hands. We lay, we lay together just not too close, too close. And everybody’s talking how I can’t, can’t be your love. We’ve still got time. I'll never ask for anyone but you. And I could call you babydoll all the time. You’re onto me, all over me. I can honestly say that I never, ever, ever felt this way.

The dream is dead?

So I was right; the feeling is not mutual. I suppose I am just the good friend.

It’s not a bad thing. But it’s not what I really wanted anyhoos.

I’m not surprised, but I do wish I was a little more confident when I told you I kinda liked you and I wish I was clear when I meant that I wanted to see where this thing could go. Though technically there was never a thing to start with.

I knew all this already, but I still hoped. I guess optimism can sometimes really blind a person and cloud their better judgment.

She needs to grow up and I need to buck up.

I don’t think its the end, who knows what may change. But for now, I shall hibernate my feelings for you.

stay and watch the stars come out.

And there you go again, spinning circles around my already frazzled little head. Is this entertaining? Forgive me for not joining in the laughter; I’m too busy going back and forth with you to focus on anything else.

I love time, but for this moment it is against me. It has tick-tocked it’s way to the end and I have to say goodbye now. Do not try to rope me in again; it won’t work. I mean it will, but I don’t want it to work. It is time I took a step forward, instead of hitting the replay button over and over again. Take a step to getting closer to you.

Remember me. I wonder if you will remember me. I hope you will.

You Should Know Why I Reposted This.

Showpeople

It's a matinee of sorts
Playing out less like life
Showing good reports
Pretty with little strife.

There is the alpha male
And the ubiquitous good wife
And the oddball complaining
Petty piping with a fife.

He struts she struts they strut
Keening in their own pride
Obliging their stereotypes somewhat
Peddling loud insinuations so snide.

Is it so hard to follow the script
When all you require is done
And you walk it through with wit
Passionate without an ounce of fun.

All collapse as the stage goes black
A curtain falling on their throes
A single actor grasping at the light
Dead, till the next daily show.

 

Stolen from Tarrant Kwok because I follow his blog, almost religiously.

And because I think his writing is the shiznits.

babe.

NO,

THiS IS NOT YOUR

PLAYGROUND.

THIS IS WAS MY HEART.

 

Adapted from Coheed and Cambria’s Here We Are, Juggernaut.

Not knowing what to call this post.

If this Mass Comm thingy doesn’t work out for me in the end, I going to become a professional floor painter. No, I’m dead serious.

Ok, obviously, I’m not dead serious lah. But after yesterday, I feel like I’ve got enough experience to make painting wide canvases an occupation. And I think being around so much paint does things to you. Makes you very…loose.

Anyways, I’m really to tired to be bothered with anything right now. I might as well not pass up my CG assignment; I’ve gotten NOWHERE with it. I just… maybe it has to do with the fact that I suck at illustrator. When I say suck, I mean really badly.

O, woe is me. *I so very the drama lah.*

I’m going to miss all the crazies from this year’s T4YP. Probably won’t be doing any other shows with them this year, except for Sweatshop. After this Sunday, I go back to being a somewhat normal college kid again. How I detest that word.

Oh, Joel and I got into a very heated debate during MassComm class. I got really mad because most of his rebuttals were off topic. He was nitpicking but Joel being Joel, obviously continued with his own stride :p I kept looking at Kate and Miss Jo for the strength to not explode. But whatever, the past is the past and I at least stayed on track lah.

*Disclaimer: I’m not bitching about Joel. I think both of us can vouch for the fact that the debate got WAY out of hand. Next time there’s a class debate, the rules better be laid out so that people don’t go about on their own jolly whims. Or people like Joel and I are gonna get offensive kaw kaw.

I am so on a roll.

New improvements galore! rawr. Say hi to the new template. Be nice to it, please.

I’m wanting to revamp this blog. really. I don’t want it to die again. Yeah, perhaps at first this blog was just a product of peer pressure and trends, but hell I’ve actually really come to like it all. And I know I probably have just a handful of readers, but hey I think a blog shouldn’t be judged just by that. pffffffft. that’s so high school. urggh.

Anyway, that’s all I have to ramble about for now. I am so damned tired. I’m gonna have post production syndrome after this play wraps, but I’m looking forward to spending more time sleeping. And hanging out with Joyee Khoo again. I miss her so much. Someone got boyfriend already some more!

Also, I’ll have more time to bitch about Agnus, Pam, Junior, Michael, Ed and Edie with my gang of misfits. I’m loving those buggers more and more. Source of sooooooooo many good laughs! :)

As for my little crush: well let’s just say I’m past the repair phase but not completely healed yet. Time will do it’s thang and eventually all will be well. But for now, bring on the eye candy and long heart-to-heart bitching sessions! <3

YAY-ness!

The chatbox has arrived. wheeeeee!

Am currently in the PC lab.
I forgot about the collage we had to do.

I'm soooo dead.

Emotional Ping-Pong

I am feeling better. Much much better.

But I don’t like going back and forth, especially when it comes to these matters; I want a solid yes or no. It looks like I won’t get my answer till after much grilling and persuasion/force.

“ Words fall through me
   And always fool me.”

- Falling Slowly, Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova.

Love those lyrics. I can relate. I’m too gullible; I fall for every little thing sent my way. Nevertheless, I am sooooooooo in the mood for these romantic verses. Profound lyrics also make me tingle. Just a little bit.

On another note, my blog is actually not so dead now.

SYABAS BELINDA!

Now, to get one of those fancy chat boxes :D

I am a noob.

I want a new template. a really really pretty one!

The problem here is that I don’t know how to make my own template. I tried, and failed miserably, trying to look up the whats and hows online.

I understood zilch. I need to get more tech savvy. Anyway, I screwed all of that and just customised my existing template. It’s quite sad actually.

It’s not much different from my previous, but I’m happy with the white. Black was all… well, dark and down and emo and crap.

White. Like a blank sheet. A new beginning.

Yes, I think white is the way to go.

On another note, my mood has lifted considerably. Today was a day full of LOLs and hand gestures, noisy arcades and zombie slaughter, boys and bad geography, intense futsal and driving like the devils were upon us.

I’m glad the major shitty feelings were just temporary. Now, if I can just keep it together during those emo love songs, I’ll be fine and it will seem like you never happened.

All is well for now.

Pointless.

It’s like a real life prime time soap opera you know: girl likes boy, girl treats boy like her whole world, boy responds positively, girl decides to profess everything to boy but just before girl says anything, boy mentions that he’s seeing someone else. Girl then shuts up, pretends to be happy for said boy, goes back home and cries her heart out, vowing to never fall as hard again.

Isn’t that just sad? Isn’t it just like a Nicholas Sparks novel without the happy ever after? Doesn’t it just make you want to tear up?

It makes me feel like shit. Like some mat people walk over and step on constantly. I feel so stupid for believing I actually had a chance, but of course not.

All the nice little things I was doing for you were utterly pointless. I didn’t get my prince charming, hell, I didn’t even get the chance to try to make my happy ending come true. I got squat from trying my best to get close to you. I tried and I failed.

And that note I posted on Facebook is now just a big fat self-imposed joke. Thank you for the heartache.

And with that, she left.

I’ve seen you with her before. You were standing on a street and sunlight was raining down. You smiled and put your arm around her, pecked her on the cheek as she wrapped her arm around your waist. Both of you looked at each other for just a brief moment before continuing your conversation with whoever that was. And even though neither of you said a word, a million things were conveyed, just in that split second.

I want that. I want the moment that both of you shared. But I don’t want it with just anyone. I want it with you and I know that it’s impossible but it just makes me want it even more.

I want to tell you without saying, that I enjoy your company. That I feel safe and at home whenever you hold my hand. That you are possibly the best thing that has happened to my world. With just a glance, I want to express how beautiful you make me feel. With just a pat on your arm, I want you to understand that I want to be there for you. And with just a squeeze of my hand, I want you to realise that I’m afraid of losing you.

But you don’t know. It just doesn’t happen for us. I smile at you, and you smile back, but you don’t hear me. I try to tell you that I want more, but two weeks later I am still just a friend. And even when I try to articulate this growing need, you don’t hear it, at least not the way I want you to.

So don’t take your arm off her shoulder, and don’t lean away when she wraps hers around you; at least not yet. You can’t hear me yet, but if you will, just wait awhile. You can’t hear me still, and maybe you never will, but if you could, please just hold on for a little longer. You might never hear me the way you heard her, but if you can hear me now, please hold on. I don’t know for how long, but I just don’t want this thing to end.

 

**About no one in particular…maybe.

To be honest, everything in this post is about you.

I think workload and lack of sleep are the main reasons for all the emo-ness in the past two posts. Hopefully, once my stage managing gig is done and over with, I’ll be able to ramble as per usual.

Then again, there’s a high possibility of me getting really emo after the show wraps. But never mind that.

So, amesies thinks I should think through my upcoming risk. It’s a big plunge, even for me. I wonder if I’m getting my head in too deep. Maybe? I don’t know if the feeling is mutual and I’m afraid.

A part of me hopes you are reading this, and another part hopes you aren’t, don’t and won’t. Ever. But maybe you will. And if that happens, I ask that you be straight with me and tell me to my face if you want what I want; I want to get to know you better.

*********************************************************************************

Anyhoos, I really want in on Sarah Kane’s “Crave”, that will be happening in August at KLPac. Why you ask?

Because of this.

...forget who I am and let me try to get closer to you.

Capri played the audio for me a few weeks back and I fell in love. Needless to say, I had a minor emo spell afterwards. I love how vulnerable the actors are in this video. I think it’s gut-wrenchingly beautiful.

Enjoy.