Urm. Yeah. Maybe this is going some place. And that’s very scary.

See, though I’ve openly admitted that I’m over my most recent heartache kinda thing, I’ve been somewhat doubtful. As in, I never thought I’d be able to move on just yet. However, it seems that maybe I have?

Maybe it means I’ve fully accepted the fact that there isn’t any hope for the old flame. And this is great news, because I want to be free of that feeling. The feeling that I had to try so hard to make things progress to that next stage. So, bottomline, this is good.

Now, this new thing is just scaring me a little. I don’t want to rush into anything, yet at the same time, it feels very good to have someone who makes it quite known that there is at least a “like” factor between us. That’s really comforting, because it seems like it’s been awhile since that happened. Or maybe not, but for the past year, my brain was so preoccupied on that one person, that the others didn’t really matter so much. Maybe I brushed ‘em off. And maybe now I’m actually beginning to notice my other options.

Euw. I hate that I used “options” to describe people around me. I don’t mean it that way. I guess, I’m just realising that there are other people out there and just because I was let down this year, it doesn’t mean I’ll be forever alone.

This new thing is really scary for me. That probably explains why I try to not expect anything of you. I do, sometimes, but that’s because I’m a girl and it’s what girls do. As scared as I am, I need you to know it’s not really because of anything you’ve done. Like I mentioned earlier, you being here is comforting. I just don’t know if it’s time for me yet.

Let’s just wait and see?

2010 highs.

This year has been a great year for me. Really. There’s nothing I can immediately think of that I regret doing. So now, I’m going to list down 10 awesome things that have happened to me this year X)

1. I participated in my first ever musical, Bernarda Alba, and met some amazing people there.
2. I got my SPM results which were not too bad AND I got an A- for Additional Math (which I usually flunk!)
3. I got a full scholarship to study Mass Comm at IACT.
4. I met my girls Kate, Rathika and Fatima. And that’s the first time I’ve actually been really close to a group of girls. And I love them :))
5. I kinda know who cares about me and which people I can count on in theater now. It’s good that I don’t really feel like an outsider anymore…well, maybe slightly, but I’m happy with this maybe in, maybe out kind of position.
6. I GOT TO PERFORM IN FRIGGIN’ SINGAPORE! Honestly, I think that’s one of the highlights of this year. My God, Singapore was just so important and life-changing for me. I was there to work, but the discoveries I made within myself while there really gave me this peace. Everything about it was a vote of confidence. Oh my God, I could talk about my experience there on and on.
7. I did Shake-your-own-speare which was an improv thing, and it was just, wow. I’m glad I worked with Jit, Ivan and Sharon.
8. Mukabuku got restaged at the Actor’s Studio! We performed to audiences that paid RM350 for us okaaaaay! Such an awesome feeling.
9. Even though many of my highs were from theater, this short two month self-imposed hiatus has actually been really good to me. Sure, I whine and wish I had lines to memorise and rehearsals to go to, but this break has given so much more time for everything else. I’m meeting up with people I have seen in AGES and spending more “me” time.
10. I’ve started believing in myself more than I ever have before.

YEAAAAAAAAAAH. The last one is just cheating, but it’s true; I have grown a lot this year. Oh, a good year with no regrets. I couldn’t ask for more :)

BREAAAK.

I’m on college break till Jan 10th. I’m going to use this time to watch the Dexter series and read and chill and meet up with people I haven’t seen in ages. I don’t have the time or patience or mood to blog. I mean, hello, I don’t get college breaks often so I might as well use these few weeks to their fullest potential.

Laaaaaaaaaaah. Ok. I’m gonna start on Season 2 now. WHEEEEEE.

It’s a happy, happy holiday :)

December isn’t gonna cut me any slack whatsoever.

The reaction I got when I told my younger brother to hand over the gaming controls because I was grumpy, stressed and needed to chill the fuck out before my PR exam tomorrow..

 

I wish my PR exam was the day after tomorrow. My brain is still flushing out all my Sociology notes and it just won’t let me get started on work. Today is just one of those day’s where you feel so sloth in a very bad way. I wish I could push myself into studying now, but it’s just not possible. I WANNA CURL UP IN BED AND SLEEP.

My exam is at 9am tomorrow. So, I’m hoping my mood picks up by then. I’ve got to at least study 5 chapters. omg, i really do feel so bloody useless and limp.

Gah. I want this week to be done and over with. FML.

Sociology makes my life so difficult.

Sociology: Taboo (n) is a prohibition resulting from social or other conventions.

Me: Taboo is a game I play with my cousins when we’re bored of Monopoly.

SEE THE DIFFERENCE?

I’m sorry, but Sociology, you and I were never meant to be!

I hate that there are SO many definitions to memorise. I’m bad at getting things right, word for word. Can I just focus on the reasoning bits in the exam tomorrow? Memorization is so frustrating. I’m going to exploit my knack for words and try my best to convince the examiners that I know what I’m talking about… even if I do get all the definitions wrong. Blah.

I should be fine… right? Besides, it’s ONLY a fifty percent exam. I CAN DO THIS!

Okay. I should stop talking about succeeding and actually do something to get me to where I need to be. I’m going back to go back to reading up on Culture and the many theoretical analyses surrounding it. Oh God, I can’t wait for this sem to be done and over with. I swear, if I have to read up on theoretical analyses for my other course subjects next sem, I eez going to bust a cap in heeeere.

And with that, I leave you.

Oh and here’s a dinosaur to keep watch on my blog while I’m away.

TATAAAAAAAAA.

I’m a panicking panda ‘cause I don’t know any kung-fu.

Yeah, I decided I wasn’t ready to go to sleep because my mind was still swimming with stuff to say.

I know I’m gonna do okay for Malaysian Studies tomorrow, but as always, I feel a slight tinge of uncertainty. But I’m not panicking, don’t let the title fool you. And I’m not a panda either in case you were wondering (though my eye bags make the panda part pretty convincing!) I’m just feeling very ‘meh’ right now and let me tell ya, it is not a good feeling to go to bed with.

But I digress:

Malaysian Studies, as much as I detest the way you’re taught, it now seems that you might be the only subject that I can ace this semester. So please be nice to me okay? ‘Cause I really need to up my GPA this time. kthxbai.

Here’s to hoping I’ll keep my cool tomorrow and not run out of the exam hall halfway through screaming bloody murder.

Yes, and I think my brain is emptied for now, so that will do.

G’night.

The last thing I queued on my Tumblr. Yes, I must share it before I doze off.

I’m trying my best to change all this.

Sun, Sand and Salvation.

Yes, that’s a list of things I am not getting at the moment.

ANYWAY, because of the emotional madness of the past few days, my short holiday before class on Wednesday and exams on Thursday has been an epic fail. I had initially planned to just relax with a good book and get started on some revision. Instead, I spent most of the day cursing at Tumblr and frying my brains on Divinity 2.

If Tumblr doesn’t let me in within the next hour, I’m going to file a complaint. I haven’t been allowed in the whole day and someone’s gonna get hit with my shoe if I have to see that “We’ll be back soon” screen one more time.

I want that proper holiday so bloody bad. One away from ze internet and life sucking computer games. I wanna destress. After my exams which will end next week, I’ll be FOH-ing for “Octopus” at KLPac. I’m hoping there’ll be nothing out of the ordinary during my brief stint there ‘cause I just don’t think I could handle it.

I also need to get started on my photobook. I need about 40 photos to be submitted by the 3rd of January. And then on the 10th, I start my third semester. ISN’T THAT JUST PERFECT?

Yeah. Okay. I’m going to continue sorting out my Sociology journal now. Bugger, I can’t be bothered anymore.

How things did in fact become worse than I thought they ever possibly could.

I stayed over at Ratata’s house from Friday till today. Just got back about 3 hours ago or less. Celebrated the whole weekend. So I should be feeling great, but to be very fucking honest, I feel like a tone of bricks decided to rest themselves on my shoulders.

First of all, I still don’t know how to deal with this mom thing. I haven’t replied but I’m still debating with myself. It’s just been bothering me to no end. Through out the weekend, I found myself filling what little free time I had thinking about her, wondering if wherever she was, she was waiting for a reply. Or if she didn’t expect one and has gone on living her life as usual. I don’t know which is worse; the idea that I might keep her waiting for a reply that might never come or that she’s not even waiting for a reply.

And as if this little blast from the past isn’t enough to keep me mentally tortured, it was decided somehow that my history would creep up again. The boy who probably wrecked me the most (and who up till only recently stopped harassing me) turns out to be related to a friend of mine. Seriously, if this isn’t a reason to say FML, then I don’t know what is. I had thought I’d left that part of my past behind. Apparently, I’m to be reminded perpetually of the heartache I went through fighting for that boy.

Why can’t history just stay in its proper place?

Now, my head is just swimming with a million and one things. Memories which I have long tried to bury are resurfacing and I just don’t know how to deal with them. I want to just get away from all of it.

And right now I am disgusted. repulsed. sick. furious. vulnerable. hurt. paranoid. broken. lost. Hoping to forget. I just want to forget.

This is very personal and I pray that no one says “I’m sorry that happened to you”.

After tossing around in bed and mentally debating with myself whether falling back asleep was a good idea, I decided to get online. For once, my internet wasn’t fucking up on me. I log into to Facebook and I see 7 notifications, 2 friends requests and 2 messages. As is my ritual, I click on the notifications first and go through each of them, commenting on a photo here, writing on a wall there. Basic procedure. And then I check my friend requests and I realise it’s two people I don’t think I’ve ever met in my life, so I just leave ‘em be.

Lastly, I click on the messages tab. There’s one message from Twilight Action Girl about something which I didn’t bother reading. And the second message was from my Uncle Suresh. See, I don’t have my uncle on my facebook. So I was curious and clicked on his message.

The first two words of this message fucked me up real bad.

“hello princess.”

My mom, whom I haven’t talked to since around three years ago, used to call me that. Of course, when I read this I was a bit confused. I wondered if it was my mom at first, but then I was like “naaaaah, it can’t be.” After all, the message came from my Uncle Suresh.

I read on and it says “m hoping its u n u can respond as m using my brothers facebook.its his bright idea,going undercover!”

Then it hits me that this really is the woman who disappeared from my home and now she’s getting in touch with me through facebook. I really don’t know how to feel about this. A part of me wants to reply but I just don’t know what to say. It’s comforting but awkward to imagine your mum at some computer somewhere logging on to Facebook to keep up to date with you.

I mean, this is your mum you’re talking about. Not an aunt or a far cousin but the lady who gave birth to you. After three years of not knowing where you were (or if you were even alive!) what do you expect me to say?

I’ve reread this message I think close to ten times now and every time I do, I just feel really heavy inside, if that makes any sense. It’s like there’s this internal war going on, debating what to do next.

I finally decide I need to stop rereading this message and just as I’m about to close the tab, I realise that the title/subject of the message was just plainly, “Sue”. That’s the short form of her name.

Saying the word ‘Mom’ or saying her name, both don’t sound right coming out from my mouth.