I stayed over at Ratata’s house from Friday till today. Just got back about 3 hours ago or less. Celebrated the whole weekend. So I should be feeling great, but to be very fucking honest, I feel like a tone of bricks decided to rest themselves on my shoulders.
First of all, I still don’t know how to deal with this mom thing. I haven’t replied but I’m still debating with myself. It’s just been bothering me to no end. Through out the weekend, I found myself filling what little free time I had thinking about her, wondering if wherever she was, she was waiting for a reply. Or if she didn’t expect one and has gone on living her life as usual. I don’t know which is worse; the idea that I might keep her waiting for a reply that might never come or that she’s not even waiting for a reply.
And as if this little blast from the past isn’t enough to keep me mentally tortured, it was decided somehow that my history would creep up again. The boy who probably wrecked me the most (and who up till only recently stopped harassing me) turns out to be related to a friend of mine. Seriously, if this isn’t a reason to say FML, then I don’t know what is. I had thought I’d left that part of my past behind. Apparently, I’m to be reminded perpetually of the heartache I went through fighting for that boy.
Why can’t history just stay in its proper place?
Now, my head is just swimming with a million and one things. Memories which I have long tried to bury are resurfacing and I just don’t know how to deal with them. I want to just get away from all of it.
And right now I am disgusted. repulsed. sick. furious. vulnerable. hurt. paranoid. broken. lost. Hoping to forget. I just want to forget.
No comments:
Post a Comment