This is very personal and I pray that no one says “I’m sorry that happened to you”.

After tossing around in bed and mentally debating with myself whether falling back asleep was a good idea, I decided to get online. For once, my internet wasn’t fucking up on me. I log into to Facebook and I see 7 notifications, 2 friends requests and 2 messages. As is my ritual, I click on the notifications first and go through each of them, commenting on a photo here, writing on a wall there. Basic procedure. And then I check my friend requests and I realise it’s two people I don’t think I’ve ever met in my life, so I just leave ‘em be.

Lastly, I click on the messages tab. There’s one message from Twilight Action Girl about something which I didn’t bother reading. And the second message was from my Uncle Suresh. See, I don’t have my uncle on my facebook. So I was curious and clicked on his message.

The first two words of this message fucked me up real bad.

“hello princess.”

My mom, whom I haven’t talked to since around three years ago, used to call me that. Of course, when I read this I was a bit confused. I wondered if it was my mom at first, but then I was like “naaaaah, it can’t be.” After all, the message came from my Uncle Suresh.

I read on and it says “m hoping its u n u can respond as m using my brothers facebook.its his bright idea,going undercover!”

Then it hits me that this really is the woman who disappeared from my home and now she’s getting in touch with me through facebook. I really don’t know how to feel about this. A part of me wants to reply but I just don’t know what to say. It’s comforting but awkward to imagine your mum at some computer somewhere logging on to Facebook to keep up to date with you.

I mean, this is your mum you’re talking about. Not an aunt or a far cousin but the lady who gave birth to you. After three years of not knowing where you were (or if you were even alive!) what do you expect me to say?

I’ve reread this message I think close to ten times now and every time I do, I just feel really heavy inside, if that makes any sense. It’s like there’s this internal war going on, debating what to do next.

I finally decide I need to stop rereading this message and just as I’m about to close the tab, I realise that the title/subject of the message was just plainly, “Sue”. That’s the short form of her name.

Saying the word ‘Mom’ or saying her name, both don’t sound right coming out from my mouth.