These things take time, love.

This blogger is very upset with herself. I should be fine and dandy by now. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

See, it's easy to decide you're going to be happier; it's a whole other thing to actually put it into practice. I made the decision to be happier last year when I performed in Singapore. I had this brilliant (and simple) epiphany while I was there; I needed to do more things that made me happy. Sadly, I think for the past few months I've been doing the exact opposite.

Theater was always this outlet of great escape for me. It was reassuring knowing I could transform myself (convincingly I hope) into whatever character I needed to portray. I think that's what I loved about acting the most; the feeling of control and that most times I could completely become another person.

Of course, that view has changed a bit since then. I've learned to really appreciate writing and the work that goes into creating an amazing and truthful performance. Even so, I still find a lot of comfort and "Zen" when I manage to pull off the right intentions.

I haven't performed in a proper stage production since MukaBuku. It's been almost six months. The interactive theater bit that I was involved in earlier this year (while I enjoyed it) just wasn't enough I guess. I miss performing. The bump-in period, the rush to get lines down, the horrible/hilarious fuck ups. So I ask myself; if acting brings me so much joy, why have I stopped?

It's been puzzling me for such a long time. I just… I really don't understand it. Every time I try to solve this mystery, I feel my chest grow really uneasy. I'm completely at a loss.

And I feel to some extent, my lack of involvement in performing arts has led me to the rut I'm in. I had something to lift me up last time when the world got in the way of my peace of mind. Now, I've lost that security and confidence and I feel very vulnerable.

I've grown a lot as a person and I know I'm still struggling with a lot of things. I understand and accept that I've got a lot of issues to address and sort out and come to terms with. I guess it takes time.

But I really would like to believe that I am on the road to recovery, even if it's just a tentative step in that direction. I'd like to believe I haven't yet done all I can do to help myself and there's still a chance that one day I'll find resolve. Like boom, one day I'll wake up and I'll be where I want to be.

I hope these aren't just empty words but one day, I hope I will be happy.

The High before the Crash.

8 years.

FUCK YOU. 8 years. I tried to be the best I could be to you. And now you're gonna just stop? No explanation, no calls, no texts, no nothing.

I'm damn tired of it. I've been feeling like crap this past two months, trying to salvage the friendship we had. But I am so done putting myself out there for you.

FUCK YOU. I found it in me to abandon my ego and you just sit there on your ass like you're fucking royalty and just brush me aside. What gives you the right to do that? You don't even have the balls to own up to it. You run and run and run. You can't look me in the eye.

I guess now I know what I ever meant to you. You were ready to let me fall at any given time. BECAUSE ALL YOU EVER REALLY GAVE A FUCK ABOUT WAS YOURSELF. To some extent, I can understand that; you need to put yourself first. But I never got in the way of that. So just tell me why you're just trampling all over me?

You know. This post was supposed to be about how great my birthday was, it was supposed to be about the girl I like, it was going to be about how awesome the past few days have been.

Well, thanks for bringing me back to reality. If I can spend 8 years trying to please someone and still somehow not be enough, I guess there's no point even hoping I'll ever mean anything to anyone.

Yeah, I'm letting you know the wreck you're leaving behind. But honest to God, I'm so sick of investing myself in relationships. Fuck it.

Thanks for teaching me a lesson I'll keep forever; the only person who can ever truly love you is yourself.

I'm not letting anyone in.

Wanker

Gonna wank off about my feeeeelings and gratitude now.

I have some of the bestest most awesome friends. I may not be Miss Popular or whatever, but I'd choose quality or quantity any day. And my friends are like fine fucking top notch Persian rugs.

Some of the texts I've been getting have reminded me of the awesome support system I have. I like that though we drift apart now and then, they'll always be there, as I'll always be for them.

These people are pretty good reason to continue pushing forward and enduring all the curveballs.

I feel very very loved.

It's my Birthday!

Yeaaaah. I'm spending my birthday at Old Town White Coffee Jalan Ipoh. FUN? INDEED.

My family threw a little dinner party for me last night. It was a small event; the usual suspects were there and we spent most of the nights reminiscing. Of course, tons of my blunders and epic fail moments came about, but it was nice to remind ourselves of how silly we were as kids (not that I'm not still a kid anyway).

After, me, Nicky, Bernice and Denice went out for drinks at Brussels in JayaOne. Stayed out till after midnight and went straight home after 'cause I was completely drained. My cousins weren't really drinkers so we cut the night pretty short.

At midnight, quite a few people texted and called me to wish me happy birthday. But because I was so exhausted and kinda out of it, I didn't reply most of the texts. And when I woke up today, there were 5 missed calls on my phone and like 11 texts. I slept through all of the ringing :3

So. Today is laid back. A nice laid back birthday. I might be going out with someone later, but the fella still sleeping lah. hahahaha And later tonight, I'm gatecrashing a party. Late night board games, here I come!

Yes, so it may look now that my birthday is gonna be pretty boring. But my girls helped plan me a party for tomorrow night :D (Srsly, you guys, I love you both for organizing the whole thing, really)

I'll update more on that after it actually happens. But I'm really looking forward to tomorrow :)

Unrequited Love.

"Everything that belonged to her husband made her weep again: his tasseled slippers, his pajamas under the pillow, the space of his absence in the dressing table mirror, his own odor on her skin."

Love in the Time of Cholera,
Gabriel Garcia Marquez

This book is poetry. So beautiful. It was pretty damn draining to read (for me) because the language was twisted so beautifully. I've got about another 30 pages to read but I just had to post up that quote. That was the line which captivated me most.

It's a love story that spans 51 years so no shit it's a lot to digest. The first half of the book for me was golden. The next 50 pages after that were a bit draggy, but this book just somehow manages to pull you back in. There's this really beautiful flow to it, how he transitions from one point to another. I'm hoping to his other famous book, One Hundred Years of Solitude :)

Yes, it's a story on unrequited love but it's just genius.

Laser Tag.

I went for my first ever laser tag experience with Dodo, Capri and Nikki (Caps sistaaaaaaah). At first I was all psyched, even though I only found out we were going to play laser tag on the way to mid valley, and because a certain somebody(whose name rhymes with CAREFREE) forgot to let me know the day before, I went laser tagging in a skirt.

Even better, out of the group of around 30 who were going to play in our mission, only me and Nikki were girls… and on top of that we were the only two people who hadn't ever played before.

Anyway, as I mentioned, I was psyched at first. But the minute we got into the space, I knew I wasn't going to enjoy myself the way I thought I would. I sucked balls. I think I almost tripped like 5 times (but at least I didn't run into any pillars and bump myself on the forehead).

But yeah, we were playing with kids who were younger than us (probably no older than 15 most of 'em) and they were SO into it, it creeped me out. hahahaha omg, I sound like a friggin' pussy but well...

I've always been kiasu but those kids there were on another level. Needless to say, I got hit like every 15 seconds or whatever. I guess lots of people would love that rush of playing a commando; getting to run for cover, doing ninja rolls across the floor, sneaking up on enemies and when I think about it, I guess I would too. But when push came to shove, I guess I wasn't much into it. Maybe because it was my first time and I still felt out of sorts.

Capri mentioned it probably wasn't so fun since we were playing with strangers; I guess if it was a big ass group of friends, it'd be a different story.

Either way, I don't think I'll be super-stoked the next time anyone mentions laser tag. I enjoyed the experience I guess, but maybe I'll save my RM25 for .shoes or drinks or something.

Fluffy-fying.

I'm so horrible at watching TV. I mean, I know I'm a lazy fart  and TV is often the lazy fart's most prized possession but really; I'm in a state of restlessness. With the internet at home be disabled till next week, I find myself struggling to entertain myself.

Since TV can't satisfy me (EHEM), I've made it a point to finish reading "Love in the Time of Cholera" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez by next week. However, because it's been almost a month since I spent more than 2 hours on a good book, I find  my attention swaying so much.

I feel like I have to be actively doing something. Ok not actively, maybe physically? Reading is basically me lying in bed with a book in my hand and the only time I move is when I flip the pages. For that reason, reading just can't hold my attention too long. I have no clue when this little tick started happening to me. Two years ago, I was happy to stay in bed all day on a weekend reading whatever book I could find.

Yes, I know, bumming yourself around the laptop isn't active either. But I have to say, I enjoy typing; I'm DOING something. And when I blog, I actually do give thought to what it is I'm putting out. Well, Most of it is just brain food but it's an active thing. And I don't just blog here, but also only tumblr (and other than pretty photos, I do have some personal posts in there because I know my tumblr is relatively unknown to people I know in real life).

Also, I think when I'm online, I'm usually buzzed. 'Cause more often than not, I'm waiting for a specific someone to come online or to start talking to me. And because I don't have the balls to text said person everyday, I worry for said person on and off throughout the course of my boring day. I'm Pisces and I'm a daydreamer by nature, so my daydreams are often pretty exciting (and fluffy-fying).

Heh. Fluffy-fying. I like that word. I think shall call this post, Fluffy-fying.

Rina and Yosuke

3 years ago my dad brought in two Japanese backpackers to live with us for awhile. One was Rina, who if I'm not mistaken, had just finished secondary education in Japan and was around Asia before going back to her hometown of Osaka. The other was Yosuke, this dude who was a mad ass percussionist; he too backpacked all around Asia, with only his drums to get him any income.

I remember when I first met both of them, I felt really awkward. Neither of 'em spoke very good English and they were literally strangers picked out of the street. How and why? The day that my dad met both of them, he was around the Puduraya bus station during one of his events. My dad was almost hit by a bus that day and he was lucky because someone yanked him back just in time. I guess my dad saw it as a sign and karma works both ways, so I guess he decided it was his turn to do something good for someone else.

He bumped into Yosuke and Rina as they fumbled with a map, trying to get directions (or something like that). Both of them too had met perchance; they just happened to meet each other at Puduraya that day. My dad spoke with them and offered to take them in for however long they wanted.

Rina stayed for about two weeks and Yosuke almost two months. I remember crying quite a bit when they left; they were pretty awesome people.

I know you're probably tired of hearing PRAY FOR JAPAN. To be honest, I am too, especially when people just use the phrase again and again to feel good about themselves.

It's terrible, what's happening there. I just wished I knew if Rina and Yosuke are okay. We couldn't keep in contact once they left Malaysia because for some reason their email addresses didn't work.

I'm just praying (yes, praying) that somehow, they weren't in Japan at the time. They're backpackers right? Maybe they're safe.

But yeah. I really hope their okay. And it makes me really sad that there's no way to even know :(

Instant Delirium

I love spending time with you.

Oh God, I make myself sick. Having such ridiculous feelings for someone whom I barely know.

Why does my heart do this to me?

I really can imagine, you know, a fantasy wedding; even if marriage isn't an option here.  (LET ME STRESS ON THE WORD FANTASY, JUST IN CASE ANYONE THINKS I'M BEING CREEPY. I'M ALLOWED TO FANTASIZE AND DAYDREAM ALL I WANT.)

It'd be scary at first because it'd be me confirming my sexuality and the way I live and who I am and what I want and how people view me and I will be anything but heterosexual.

I mean, I'm not heterosexual now anyway, but since I've never had anything serious with a girl, it still 'might' (though it's highly unlikely) be a phase???????!?!?!?!?!?

But I think you're worth it. Love is worth it. I promise not to throw away something like what you and I could have.

I can't wait to go out with you on our next date :)

 

And in all our imperfections, we found ourselves.

I'm talking about you.

But I'll stop. Because evidently, this won't work.

Talking about this really hurts. Why do I put myself through this? I should just cease. Just stop trying.

Always the friend.

I'm guessing I'll be venting a lot today.

You long for sleep because that's when the thoughts cease. You bury yourself in your bed sheets hoping sleep will whisk you away into the quiet.

It's sad when sleep feels like the only place you're safe. Your brain is the main cause of your delirium and powering it down is the only way to feel in control again.

I'd love to just not think, not be for awhile. Maybe I should just spend my life sleeping away. I hate what my thoughts do to me.

What's the point of doing anything if you know you're going to sink back to your old habits anyway?

I'm sick.

Friggin' unbelievable.

I'm at Old Town Jalan Ipoh and I'm bawling my eyes out. fantastic. Fucking fucking fantastic.

I wanna runaway from myself, anyone know how to do that?

How fluffy can you get, Belinda?

My mind has been refusing to work. I tried to get some revision done for my exam on Monday, but it's just not happening. I think the past week was such a big deal, so my brain is still digesting all the signs and what not. Trying to unravel the mystery that is…

I'm pretty happy now but I'm so afraid that this happiness will be short lived. I hope not 'cause I actually believe my luck might be turning around. And I'd hate to think you were only paying me attention for the hell of it.

This one kid makes me smile like a little girl on Christmas day. I feel like I'm being treated with so much tender care; it's as if to this person, I'm actually worth saving. It's great because not many people have made me feel this way before. So gentle. This kid sees me and it brings on this incredible rush, like WHOOOOOSH! X)

…

Bloody hell, ground yourself already! >.<

The Last 5 Years.

I loved it. Okay. Maybe, I liked it very much. That sounds better.

The music for me was the star of the show. Amazingly beautiful accompaniment and the songs were pretty awesome. Tabitha Kong can sing, there's no question about it and she blew me away with the power in her voice.

And Jon Chew was just adorable. hahahah.

If you're intending to watch, look out for Jon's piece "The Schmuel Song". Yes, it's a weird name, but I have to say, that song was the highlight of the show for me. The visuals were SO AWESOME and Jon looked so at ease singing it. Plus, he danced. AND THAT WAS SUCH A SIGHT :P

The audio recording from a past production of The Last 5 Years.

So yes. Go watch. Or die.

*I had 4 hours of sleep. Don't blame me for not making much sense please, thanks.

Last night was golden.

I was smiling all night like a retard. You have that affect on me.

I'm glad we spent all that time together. Really.

Maybe there'll be more? Dates? Like last night?

Ah. I shouldn't give this too much thought.

But I can't. 'Cause you're stamped across my brain.

:) Chinaman.

I was not paid to promote.

"The Next Ten Minutes" from the original Off-Broadway production.

The Last 5 Years starts it's run tomorrow. OMG SO EXCITES. And that's saying a lot, since I'm not really a huge fan of musicals. But yeah, I've already made plans to watch the show tomorrow :)

Capri sent me the link to that video up there and at first I didn't want to watch it, because I didn't want a spoiler. But I have no will power, so yeah; I caved in and gave it a listen and now I really can't wait to watch this song performed live. Major goosebumps D:

Oh also, I've gotta pick out some English books. I'd better do that now.

No, actually, I'm going to EAT now. Then I'll pick out those books. Hmmm.

I've been found out.

I really scared me when you pointed out the chink in my armor. I was surprised. I mean, my façade works most of the time; I'M A HAPPY LITTLE GIRL SCOUT.

How could anyone see past that so soon? fuck. I mean. I don't want everyone to know I'm just covering up some deep rooted kind of "sickness".

Radiohead's Creep done acoustic.

This song embodies a lot of what I've been feeling today. And actually, since forever.

I really don't think I'm strong enough for anything.

I feel very unloved.

I'm not okay, but I'll be alright?

I don't want you think of her every time you think of me. I don't like this similarity we seem to have 'cause now I believe I'll always be compared. I hate it.

I know we're new (so new) but I like you. Really. It's kinda saddening for me to imagine this little thing might remain a one sided affair for the rest of what's left of it.

It's days like these when I wish I was pretty, I wish I knew the right things to say, I wish I had natural charm and grace and I wish I knew how to make you mine.

Ultimately, I wish I was someone other than me.

'Cause quite apparently, you don't think of me the way I think of you; I think you're pretty fucking perfect and I think ANY girl would be lucky to have you. It's equaled to winning the fucking lottery or getting pair aces twenty times in a row during black jack. I'd be so ridiculously insane. Well, I am already. Is that creepy?

I hate that the Disney movies I watched as a kid have set this standard of romance for me. I feel like I have to get the person I want. I'll succeed pretty fine on my own, but I still believe there's something missing without romance or affection. Is that pathetic? I think it is; I think I am.

Why can't I just win? or why can't I just fall for someone less perfect? Why can't I just fall for someone who's available, who wants to love me back?

Good things happen to good people… oh, really?

We set up the college gallery for our exhibition tomorrow. Wasn't too sure how that was gonna go down, but I guess it's not too bad. At first, I felt our booth was the worst; we had a very vague idea what we wanted to present our photos like.

But after some tips and hints by a few people, I guess it turned out ok. it looks kinda artsy at least and since my theme is "ART" it works.

It was tiring though. I felt we weren't working as a group, to be honest. Haihs. Maybe next time I'll learn to include people in the work load more? Then again, I wasn't supposed to be group leader, but as no one stepped up to the plate, I was almost thrown into the position (just my opinion).

Most of the other groups look good, but I think there's one or two that could've done better. Well, all of us could. Ah well. We'll just have to wait for tomorrow to know if we did okay.

Oh in other news, I'll be watching The Last 5 Years this Thursday. SO EXCITES. After seeing a bit of their photoshoots, I'm expecting awesome things. I can't wait for Thursday :)

The "Demons".

 

Found that on Tumblr and… whoa. Laughed sooooooooooo hard. And it only hit me earlier today that I reblog so many posts pertaining homosexuality. A lot of 'em are ridiculing the stereotypes. They kinda snap at homophobes and what not.

 

Also found this one:

Above it were the words "If any country wants to beat the US in a war, just send out all your gays. It's like kryptonite." LOL-ed sooooooo hard. Well, we know Malaysia and US have at least one similar weakness then :p

Help is good, but you're not helping.

Ok. I understand that you think that note you posted up is probably going to give hope , though I don’t really see what you can achieve through it. It’s noble and I commend you for that. But as someone who has personally been dealing with this for the past few years, reading your post only got me down.

You're talking about pushing those thoughts to a side and believing in life and the people around you. But you have to realize, most of us do enjoy life, here and there. We’ve got friends like any other person in the world, we’ve got a loving family, we get good grades and we don’t think about suicide 24/7. The times when the idea of suicide is absent are the best times for me personally.

So, when I go online, I’m not expecting to be reminded of the strength many of you possess. It’s not like I’m all “Oh I wanna die now”, but I’m just saying that reading your note didn’t do any good for me. ‘Cause you have to realize I’ve heard that same speech in a variety of angles from a million different people before. You're not the first to try that "Life is beautiful, you're making a mistake" point of view. I hear it all the time; it's becoming a senseless platitude.

All I’m trying to say is it’s not easy for someone who’s been suffering for quite awhile, to just get over it. If there was a foolproof method to steadily cure ourselves, we’d opt for that. We want to be healed. Not all of us are masochists. We try optimism and realism and often neither work.

I’m not hating, I just want you to be aware of what you’re sparking up by writing a preachy note like that. If you really want to help, get people to go into therapy or just get them to talk it out. It’s better for them to voice out what they feel rather than having to put up with a long speech about what they can and cannot feel. I would know; I've been there, done that.

So please. Just stop being so full of shit.

It's late and my brain is pumping.

I would like nothing more than to just be whisked away from here. I think quite a few know this. Maybe. Either that or they just put up with what I say, thinking I never mean it.

I actually really do. It's been over three years and this thing I have is probably the only constant. I'm pretty sure it's become a permanent part of me. I've kind of accepted it, but there are moments when I believe someone will suddenly pop up and save me.

Hmm. I was born 'weak'- as in, I crumble pretty easily. Many things scare me and my loud exterior is just there to fake being brave. When things scare me, I seek the easiest and most cowardly way out. I pretend to be ashamed of it, but actually I wouldn't change. Best to get out of there before something gets me.

I've faced some fears but I honestly believe these minor triumphs won't sway the grand scheme of things.

I already know.

For all whose heart is aching.

Maroon 5. Their music seems to be super awesome live. Omg. I wants. PLEASE :(

Every time I think of the word "ache", my stomach is filled with this notion of impending doom. Just for awhile. It's even stronger when you verbally pronounce it. Ache. Ache. It's a pretty painful word to say.

I realise, when it comes to loss, there's two types of aches; the immediate and the culminated.

Immediate ache is essentially you lose something and you plummet into this total abyssssss of despair. But after a really long time, you kind of find your way out it and you're ok again.

The culminated ache just sucks. Srsly. It does. It really rips you apart, or maybe just me. It's when you lose something and at first you're all gung-ho and shit. and you're like, naaaaaaaah, I'll be fine, it didn't mean anything. Then you go about thinking you're ok and after awhile it just eats away at you and BOOM; you hit rock bottom and everything just stops to matter. Yeah. The intensity there, sucks. Really.

Hmm.

Someone whom I've most recently became friends (?) with is going through some shit now apparently. Tbh, her situation reminded me of this song. It was my anthem when I was going through something similar.

If I could wish for one thing, it'd be for everyone to be happy. I know that's not ever going to happen, but mindless dreaming is worth something, I think. It kind of gives you an extra push to just slave through the rest of the day, because you believe that something tremendous will happen in the end and save us all.

Often, it's kind of like chasing the sunset. You'll never get to the sun, but you think you will, and so you just continue chasing. At least you're doing something other than moping about what you'll never have.

Yes. Mindless dreaming sometimes has its benefits and if they come true, all the better.

Well. This is awkward.

Some time towards the end of January, I blocked off this blog and stopped posting.

I did that because I realised I was censoring myself and blogging for the readers, rather than myself. And that's not why I made this blog, so I decided to take a break to think about what I wanted. So yays me, welcome back.

It's been a month and it's been eventful. Classes (being what they were this past semester) were pretty lenient but things apart from the lectures were a challenge. With the whole new dynamic in the classroom and the new personalities to gel with, I think it's safe to say it was awkward as hell during the first few weeks.

But I was happy and maybe I'll be happier?

Hmm. I've been staying pretty quiet on the theater front. I really don't know why. Maybe it's true; I've burnt out :( Guess I'll be quiet till May; I've got something up that month hopefully.

Oh and I've learnt that I fail at flirting. Seriously. I'm pathetic.

I'm going to get off the blog now and probably watch some Dexter. Season 5, here I come!

**For the few of you who are still reading, thanks for putting up with my mess :)