These things take time, love.

This blogger is very upset with herself. I should be fine and dandy by now. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

See, it's easy to decide you're going to be happier; it's a whole other thing to actually put it into practice. I made the decision to be happier last year when I performed in Singapore. I had this brilliant (and simple) epiphany while I was there; I needed to do more things that made me happy. Sadly, I think for the past few months I've been doing the exact opposite.

Theater was always this outlet of great escape for me. It was reassuring knowing I could transform myself (convincingly I hope) into whatever character I needed to portray. I think that's what I loved about acting the most; the feeling of control and that most times I could completely become another person.

Of course, that view has changed a bit since then. I've learned to really appreciate writing and the work that goes into creating an amazing and truthful performance. Even so, I still find a lot of comfort and "Zen" when I manage to pull off the right intentions.

I haven't performed in a proper stage production since MukaBuku. It's been almost six months. The interactive theater bit that I was involved in earlier this year (while I enjoyed it) just wasn't enough I guess. I miss performing. The bump-in period, the rush to get lines down, the horrible/hilarious fuck ups. So I ask myself; if acting brings me so much joy, why have I stopped?

It's been puzzling me for such a long time. I just… I really don't understand it. Every time I try to solve this mystery, I feel my chest grow really uneasy. I'm completely at a loss.

And I feel to some extent, my lack of involvement in performing arts has led me to the rut I'm in. I had something to lift me up last time when the world got in the way of my peace of mind. Now, I've lost that security and confidence and I feel very vulnerable.

I've grown a lot as a person and I know I'm still struggling with a lot of things. I understand and accept that I've got a lot of issues to address and sort out and come to terms with. I guess it takes time.

But I really would like to believe that I am on the road to recovery, even if it's just a tentative step in that direction. I'd like to believe I haven't yet done all I can do to help myself and there's still a chance that one day I'll find resolve. Like boom, one day I'll wake up and I'll be where I want to be.

I hope these aren't just empty words but one day, I hope I will be happy.