An excuse of sorts.

I've vowed so many times to keep this blog going, but the lack of wi-fi at home has become a real pain. It's about 3 months now and it's played a huge part in my cyber absence.

Yes, there are tons of spots around college with wi-fi and all, but because I rarely have spare time, when I do get online, I spend it updating all the necessary portals first; I reply emails, I get back to all my adoring fans on Facebook, reply all the belated tweets and of course, queue up my Tumblr.

…okay, so maybe I have begun to prioritize Tumblr over this blog, but I promise, it is only because I don't want to spend my scarce internet time thinking of what to share and what to hide on this blog.

I miss blogging here tons, but… I've got my little white book of secrets now which has sated the blogging itch. I think that book is almost have full and it's been less than two months since I began writing in it. I'll probably need to get another one soon.

"Then I guess we should just be friends" "I'm just kidding Holly, you know that I'll love you till the end"

Those are lyrics from one of my most recent drugs – "Well It's True That We Love One Another", The White Stripes.

NOT THAT I'VE FOUND ANYONE I'D LOVE TILL THE END! well… maybe Capri and the girls. definitely not myself. but we will not digress; I have to explain my heartache for her. it's been awhile and I am still hooked.

oh c'mon; you must have guessed I would rant a bit about ze non-existent love life at some point right.

Here's an excerpt from my would-be journal that explains how I've been holding up (not).

"…I've gotten used to the idea of being expendable. And I accept now that nothing lasts forever and since that's the case, nothing is usually worth the heartache. Oh I sound like a sad fat girl who will miss out on life…well, I am… I've become a hateful thing."

That's the horrible mindset that's plagued me. It really sucks balls. It was a significant low point in the course of things that were to happen and I guess you could say I was on the brink of giving up because I felt like a weakling. I felt… unnecessary. and pretty fucking unloved.

The thing here is that I still miss her as much as I did a month ago. And that's not good because she got along pretty darn well in my absence. And shit that fucking hard to admit.

Am I friggin' delirious? I don't know but I'm afraid that we might just be friends… which we are now, but I don't want that…I think. I mean, I want to be friends but more, just not yet.

Ok fuck the romantic shit; I want to have a shot. Yes, that's it. I want to have a chance to see if this can go anywhere. And I don't think two weeks is a fair duration. Not at all. I don't want to give up on this possibility, if there's even one.

I mean I tried for a bit to stop the madness and the want, but the minute there was even a glimmer of hope, I fell back into the insanity that seems to envelope her.

Oh shit I can't believe I'm writing about this here. fuckfuckfuck.

After being apart for a pretty long time, we recently spoke again. And that day was pretty darn great and I was wrapped around her finger again. Just like that. But damn, I know that I will remember that day for a really long time, because it was the stuff great scripts are made of.

I wrote something on Tumblr which was more detailed and I can't post it here because I'm afraid I might be found out. (yes, that's another reason I rant on tumblr a lot, because not a lot of people I know have me on there and I couldn't give two fucks if a stranger thought I was a pathetic piece of shit).

As I said earlier, I miss her and I think I'm beginning to accept(?) that I'm a bit past just crushing and probably that is what scares me the most. It's been awhile since the reality of what can and can't happen has been so in my face.

I'm scared and that's the truth and she knows because my façade just doesn't work with her. Since the first week, she could always read me.

And that makes me question why nothing has happened between us yet.

oh shit I'm striking out a lot of things; it's like all my secrets are tumbling out.

and notice how all the strike outs only begin when I start talking about her?

Fuck.

I wish I knew what I should do, like, some kind of meter which could tell me if my actions are doing me any good at all because, lately, it's been hard to trust myself.

Especially around her.