CNY BLUES

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tork6WZWh-0

She's a pretty girl
She's always falling down
I think I just fell in love with her
But she will never remember, remember
And I can always find her
At the bottom of a plastic cup
Drowning in drunk's insanity
A sad & lonely girl
Quit crying your eyes out
Quit crying your eyes out
Baby, come on
As if there's something familiar about me
The past is only the future with the lights on
Quit crying your eyes out, baby
And she said;
"I think we're running out of alcohol
Tonight, I hate this fucking town
And all my best friends will be the death of me
but they will never remember, remember
So please take me far away
Before I melt into the ground
And all my words get used against me"
A sad & lonely girl
Quit crying your eyes out
Quit crying your eyes out
Baby, come on
As if there's something familiar about me
The past is only the future with the lights on
Quit crying your eyes out, baby
Quit crying your eyes out
Quit crying your eyes out
Baby, come on
As if there's something familiar about me
The past is only the future with the lights on
Quit crying your eyes out
as if there's something familiar about me
Quit crying your eyes out
The past is only the future with the lights on
Quit crying your eyes out, baby

There.

There are all these things that I want to tell you about, but you don't want to listen.

So you shut me up and you shoot me down.

I feel like I've lost my voice sometimes. And when I do get it back, I feel guilty for using it. Because nobody wants to hear. Because I am being immature and… everything I go through is trivial.

So fine.

I'll pretend to stop caring. I don't want to bore you. I'll just keep to myself then. I'll let my thoughts and worries implode. I won't inconvenience you. because if you see it as an inconvenience, I don't want to go through with it.

You hate me. You just don't know because there is a fine line between love and hate and, half the time, the line is blurred.

I'm going to disappear now.

Goodbye.

*If this post sounded a little bit suicidal at the end there, it wasn't meant to be. See? It wasn't meant to be.

If it makes you feel sad.

I think you have a right to feel the way you feel. I believe you have a right to your emotions. It's one of those things that you should have control of, even if you feel out of control, you know?

No one has the right to order you to not feel a certain way. They may ask, they may try to persuade or coerce, but ultimately, you decide on what you're feeling.

I'm not saying that it's the best option to wallow in your emotions, but if you feel like it, no one can stop you. Never underestimate a person's will or drive.

I don't know what I'm feeling now. I suppose it's a mixture. I'd like to feel better, but at the same time, I feel like just layan-ing this crappy feeling till I breakdown. Because the moments after the breakdown often see me at my most liberated.

And that's what I want to feel the most; liberation.

But I feel, no matter how many times, I break my self down and build myself back up, there will always be this residue of dissatisfaction. There will always be this weight that keeps me emotionally heavy and perpetually in turmoil.

 

It's funny, I often feel like I'm watching my life from the view of a master puppeteer. Like, I (the puppeteer) am in control of the chaos I (the puppet) go through. As if I create the uncontrollable and volatile emotions, not for myself, but for the story, for the outcome. for the journey.

For the puppet! Just so happens that puppet is me.

So. Can the tears and yelling and pounding and frustration just commence so I can get it over with? So that I can feel the worst before I feel a little better?

House.

I crave conversation. I'm that kind of addict. I feel more at home, more at ease, I feel happier there than here for that one reason. There's communication. There's conversation. I feel less lonely there, than in my own home. so disjointed.

It may not last, but still. I feel… it's warmer there.

I guess I'm going back to cigarettes.

I had my first stick in 4 months just about 5 minutes ago. I just need to be doing something. But it's 7am. There's not very much to do.

I need to be active. To get myself busy doing something. I can't sit here because then I'll start to think.

I'm trying to be very strong. I'm trying to make the hard decision and make it stick. Because I… I believe its for the best. We'll look back on this decision and we'll see it was. Now, it feels like shit, but a month from now, you'll be glad for it. You'll be happy. I can't give you happy.

… Ok. That paragraph is a perfect example of me trying desperately to be objective. The heart wants what it wants but I can't give in to its wants because I need to starve it. Then it'll learn that there are some things it will never get. And that it can't get so attached.

It's surprising. I have been able to keep myself together, mostly. But I know it's because there's a part of me that doesn't believe this is the end. Because of what I feel. And what you feel. Because unlike times before, this is happening because…

I don't know why this is happening. Maybe for the first time, it's really just because we're not compatible. Just like that divorce term. Irreconcilable differences?

During Parah rehearsal yesterday, Jo said something to the actors. It went something along the lines of -

The more you want to connect, quite paradoxically, the more mortified you are when you do have a fight.

And immediately, I thought of this situation we're in. Maybe this is what led to it.

Fuck, Belinda. Keep it together. You can. You mustn't cry. You've done way too much of that already. Be a big girl and stop crying.

Trait(or).

Inadequate. Pointless. Self-centered. Selfish. Naïve. Stupid. Childish. Sensitive. Insensitive. Hard-headed. Rude. Useless. Good for nothing. Screw up. Disappointment. Bad. Hateful. Despicable. Malicious. Evil. Cruel. Inconsiderate. Mean. Horrible. Revolting. Disgusting. Indulgent. Bratty. Immature. Insufficient. Time waster. Mood changer. Destroyer. Let down.

There are days when all I feel like doing is turning in on myself. There are even more days where I wish, just somehow, someone will take mercy and terminate the system that keeps my brain running.

There are so many days when I wish I didn't make you unhappy but it seems that I have that effect on people. It would seem that all I am capable of is inciting anger frustration annoyance rage blind fury.

I am cancer to the people around me.

These days are just no good.

I wonder if my writing style has improved.

But how do you improve a style? With refinement, of course.

Style is individual, so you should never force a change into how you write. At the same time though, there's always room for improvement; learn to enhance and strengthen and modulate your unique way of writing. It's not changing or renouncing your individuality if all it does is give more value to your words. It will help others appreciate the uniqueness.

I'd like to think I am creeping forwards and making progress, in this area and others, too.

Hmm. I realise that progress is very important to me. Progress and growth. I'm pretty sure it's a good thing; it keeps things fresh and it keeps me going.

And here's a haiku I thought up earlier today to wrap up the night.

I still want to love
But you refuse to back down
We're back to square one.

Goodnight.

All I Have.

These words are all I have.

They are warm and simple.

But simple is not enough.

Simple can expose, but it cannot explain.

 

I need to find the words.

The words to explain.

The words to make you understand.

The words to... the words to...

The words that I do not have.

Because, to be fair,

not everything can be explained.

 

These words that I have now are all I can muster.

Because to me, they are sufficient.

Because to me, they are complete.

Because like these words,

my heart is warm and my request is simple.