I guess I'm going back to cigarettes.

I had my first stick in 4 months just about 5 minutes ago. I just need to be doing something. But it's 7am. There's not very much to do.

I need to be active. To get myself busy doing something. I can't sit here because then I'll start to think.

I'm trying to be very strong. I'm trying to make the hard decision and make it stick. Because I… I believe its for the best. We'll look back on this decision and we'll see it was. Now, it feels like shit, but a month from now, you'll be glad for it. You'll be happy. I can't give you happy.

… Ok. That paragraph is a perfect example of me trying desperately to be objective. The heart wants what it wants but I can't give in to its wants because I need to starve it. Then it'll learn that there are some things it will never get. And that it can't get so attached.

It's surprising. I have been able to keep myself together, mostly. But I know it's because there's a part of me that doesn't believe this is the end. Because of what I feel. And what you feel. Because unlike times before, this is happening because…

I don't know why this is happening. Maybe for the first time, it's really just because we're not compatible. Just like that divorce term. Irreconcilable differences?

During Parah rehearsal yesterday, Jo said something to the actors. It went something along the lines of -

The more you want to connect, quite paradoxically, the more mortified you are when you do have a fight.

And immediately, I thought of this situation we're in. Maybe this is what led to it.

Fuck, Belinda. Keep it together. You can. You mustn't cry. You've done way too much of that already. Be a big girl and stop crying.