Blocked.

There was a reason I had crap relationships. And the reason is me.

Yes, my exes were douches. I can't say I'm too proud of the relationships I've had. But when I think back, were they not better towards me at the beginning?

Maybe they were feigning. Maybe there were only nice to me until they knew for certain that they had me on a leash and let's face it, I'm the kind of girl who falls hard. I'm pretty pathetic.

So maybe… maybe I was played.

Or maybe I deserved everything I got from them. All of them. Even the first. The very first.

I asked to be treated that way. I was willing to sell myself so low that it only made sense for them to treat me the way they did. I tempted them. I asked for it.

I turned them into the things I now hate.

There must be something about me that is toxic. Or maybe not. Maybe it's just the way I am. I am bad for relationships. I am bad for people. There hasn't been one relationship that I haven't screwed up. I'm a shit girlfriend. I'm needy, I'm controlling, I'm clingy, I'm disgusting, I'm manipulative.

I'm everything… I'm everything love should not be.

So maybe I don't know love. Maybe I think what I have is love, but maybe all I'm offering is chaos.

I don't have the right to blame anyone for leaving.

I understand now that they all leave not because they're unreasonable but because I push them away. Because no one could ever love someone as vile as I am. The things I do, the things I say. And it is all my own fucking fault. I'm unlovable because I refuse to reform.

I shouldn't even bother. They say love is sometimes around the corner. But I live in a state that love just cannot survive in.

I'll stop playing the victim. The previous guys in my life weren't terrible people; they just made the mistake of hanging around me too much.

Actually, no. I said I wouldn't blame them. They didn't make a mistake. I forced myself upon them.

I infected them. And if you don't leave me soon, I'm afraid you're just going to end up hating me even more. I'm sorry

I worry.

Will I be able to go two weeks without seeing you?

Perhaps under different circumstances, I would. But with yesterday's incident, I'm not too sure.

What's worse is not only will you not be around, but I'll have almost no way of contacting you, except online for ten of those days. I think the disconnect/lack of communication is what scares me the most.

But I promised. I promised that I would let you call the shots. I promised to ease off. I won't impose.

I'm just going to miss you, that's all.

 

It's funny because ten days hasn't started yet but it feels like you've already left. You're still here, but you're not really.

Self esteem points…

negative four million.

Countdown: 25

I have 25 days but I may not make it through.

25 is a long time. Maybe I will not need to wait that long. Maybe I just have to wait until I, too, snap. Then it'll be over and done with and I'll stop being a disappointment.

More than ever, I want to disappear. I wish I was numb but I'm just super aware.

It would all be so much simpler if I wasn't such a screw up.

I am sorry I don't have the strength and willpower to let you go.

I tried so hard to keep you happy. But I guess I wasn't enough. I guess I should learn that some of us are just meant to be alone.