That’s What It Is.

So. I’m on the brink of going maniacal. Have been so exhausted lately. SO EXHAUSTED. Drained to the point that when I get back home late at night, I don’t even have the strength to plan my next day. Heh, but strangely I always seem awake enough to get my arse on msn and fb. Maybe cause I go on psycho autopilot?

I have superwoman complex I guess. I don’t pace myself, I just go mafakah go. I say yes when I’m asked for help most of the time without taking into consideration the other things I’ve lined up. This lands me in a heap of work that I could have avoided had I just thought a bit more. So some shit gets done brilliantly, and the rest just end up being tossed around and put together in disarray.

YOU ARE NOT SUPERWOMAN. DON’T KILL YOURSELF. YOU CAN’T DO EVERYTHING. CHILLING IN THE BUILDING!

Urggghhh. Photoshop assignment, looks like I’m gonna do you all day long (sexual reference is intentional, yes).

Please, give me the strength to persevere till august. I need to bring my A-game. Be on the ball. Release can come after MukaBuku in Singapore.

Total shut down.

I want to cry. I need some form of release. I just can’t take all of this. I’m just dying. I need to think. No, I need to vent. But I can’t cry. Can’t at all and it hurts like fuck.

I have to force these tears out because if I don’t, i’m going to just break the fuck down. I cannot handle any of this anymore.

God I wish I wasn’t so imperfect.

“You’ll be just as good as dead”.

I should be feeling better. I should. But I don’t feel too secure in my place. Everything seems to be shifting all at once. I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew. And I think, this is adding to the problem.

I can’t resolve everything at once. I need to pace myself. If I keep this up, I’m going to end up dead. What I need right now is a backbone. Something or someone who will support me and cushion my inevitable fall.

Exhaustion has made me so vulnerable. I cannot just enjoy company now, after all the silence and pent up feelings. I want to. But I think I’ve gotten to that point where I am afraid of what might happen next. I’ve come to a point when I believe things never stay the same.

Now, just give me a week.

For Joyee Khoo.

iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouilloveyouiloveyouiloveyou.

you don’t need him. he didn’t deserve you in the first place.

besides, you know I love you the most anyway.

xoxoxox

My life is a sitcom.

well, it really is. all of this is quite “what the fuck’-ish isn’t it? my life is not goal based. that’s a bad thing, yeah i know. but I guess it means I live up to each and every moment (i.e. situation) I’m in. So it’s a good life I guess.

My emo-ness from the last post has not been carried over. well, not to the blog at least. the tumblr account on the other hand is oozing emo-ness from every pixel.

Yes,  I have a tumblr blog.

No, I will not post my link here.

My tumblr is like my personal safe place, that kinda thing. I think only about 3 people actually follow my tumblr knowing that it’s actually me. The account is pretty anonymous I guess, ‘cause I really don’t want it publicised. I mean, some of the things I’ve got on there are just… well, it’s very raw, even for me. I’d die if people knew those secret thoughts I have in my head. Don’t get me wrong; I vent LOADS here, but on tumblr, it’s more like the things I can’t imagine myself saying. It’s mostly graphic on tumblr. where as this blog is all wordy.

Don’t worry; unlike many would-be passionate bloggers today, I will not just abandon traditional blogging for tumblr. I promised myself that Life Unplugged would not take a backseat and so far I’ve kept my word. Besides, my tumblr is very green. About a month old? why would I abandon this blog which is turning 3 years old in a few months?

I make such a spectacle of these little epiphanies I have. Maybe that’s why I’m in theater.

Got me.

Just back from an emo drinking session with Alex, Jit and Vincent. Shytez. it wasn’t emo at first; we were talking about doable celebs, and doable mutual friends (basically just all doables). Then the emo-ness took over. why why wont this feeling of crappiness just die? WHY WHY WHY?

*Swears not to drink anymore this month. August can continue.*

My tongue is loose. had god knows what. vodka, something to do with vodka? my head isn’t feeling good and neither is my heart. I want things to go back to how they used to be. this sudden change is killing me. I don’t know what the fuck i did.

I miss our long talks. Not even anything to do with youknowwhat. I just miss our friendship. Now i’m starting to doubt if it was ever even a friendship. The way shit has been turning out… we might as well have been lifelong enemies.

I’m still here, waiting for you to explain and for me to understand.

*This post was done under the influence of alcohol.

infinite.

I’m waiting for something concrete. Something that says it all, without saying much. I don’t know exactly what it is I am waiting for. Maybe I’m waiting for you to say something. Right now, it seems like dead air.

I live in the moments but I can’t stop thinking about the future. Isn’t that a bitch? I live on an impulse, but once that rush dies off, my mind starts to worry about what’s next. Things that aren’t certain scare me. The galaxy, the future, dating. You never know what’s going on then suddenly you’re smacked in the face with the inevitable truth that you have no control. None. Zero. Squat.

It’s then that you realise that you are at the mercy of the people around you. It’s then that all these epiphanies fly across your mind and you finally understand how very fragile your life is.

 

I’m afraid of dying alone.

People are immensely complicated beings.

Sooooo much drama recently. Not caused by me, but it does directly affect me, that kinda thing? My informal resolution this year to stay drama free has been an epic failure, but then again drama is what makes us human. It’s not like I’ve had fist fights or an exchange of profanities or whatever; my relationships with some people are just so unhealthy.

For once, I’m not gonna disclose details, because at this point in time, drama is still going on and I don’t want to have to choose sides. Not meaning I’m gonna be a two-face, I just wanna sit on the sidelines, so if you are reading this, PLEASE DON’T PULL ME OFF THE BLEACHERS AND ONTO THE COURT OKAY? I’m an innocent impartial bystander.

I mean, why do you have to go and make things so complicated? simplicity, have you ever heard of that word? that’s what is lacking here. It could be so simple, but of course it can’t because that just cramps your style, does it not?

Urgggghh Arrggghh Blearghhhh!

Egos suck.

Too proud to beg, too proud to explain.

Grow some fuckin’ balls will you please ‘cause the ones you’ve got now are all shriveled up.

Could you be any cuter?

Why do you put me on the spot like that? I’m falling again.

Holy smokes.

I dreamt I asked you to prom. WHOA. Thank God my dad woke me up right before you could say shit. Daaaayyyymmmmnnn son. I mean, that’s really scary. Throughout the whole day, my head kept flashing still shots of the dream I had. It’s the Galaxy; it’s being a bitch today.

On a separate note, the posting has been delayed a bit ‘cause I’ve been crap busy with T4YP and IACT. Heh. Four letters each (yes, these things do amuse me).

So glad to have gotten some of those presentations out of the way maaan. Advertising Principles was killing me. I feel like I should heave a huge sigh of relief, ‘cause damn straight I’ve still been meeting my deadlines.

I is awesome and, if I can keep this up, I shall one day rule the world. Then, I’ll legalize fairies and unicorns in Malaysia, just so they’ll come out of hiding. Then we’ll have fairy tea parties and ride our unicorns all over the world. And it shall be pink.

Ok, that’s the cue for me to go to sleep because I am just soooooooo fucking exhausted right now. Goodnight, little ones. May the faith be with you…

SAY WHUUUUUUUUUUUT?!

Goodnight.

Bright, Golden Sunshine

Just woke up in Fatima’s very spacious bedroom. Everyone’s awake except for Rathika, who was diligent enough to stay up watching My Best Friend’s Wedding till God knows what time. I slept off somewhere after the hot guy stumbles in on Julia Robert in her lingerie.

Anyway, I’m feeling good. I don’t know why, seeing as I shouldn’t. I mean, I’m sticky, my legs are cramped, I’ve got a nasty bruise on my left knee, I’m not listening to my happy music and I’ve got TWO assignments to wrap up by like,,, today. And, I saw something that should have made me ball up and tear. Despite all of that, I’m really feeling good.

Maybe it’s because I’m surrounded by positive thoughts now and positive people. I feel the love. Having my bunch of close knit girl friends is doing me oodles of good. Who would have thought; I mean I’ve never made it a secret that I prefer being one of the boys rather than hanging out with girls, discussing celebrity gossip. These girls are different, like me, and I’m glad for it.

I’m gonna relook my music list. ‘Cause I’m determined to find songs that Capri (yes, you) hasn’t heard before. I CAN FIND AWESOME SONGS ON MY OWN, TYVM. :p

 

Bright, golden sunshine

Tore through the dark red curtains;

A sliver of hope.

 

One day, I’m gonna start compiling my creative writing. But for now, I going to just let them fly around the internet. Today’s a good day <3

Gibberish or is it Jibberish?

I’m in class now. No, the lesson hasn’t started yet so don’t tell me I should be concentrating.

Its sooooo bahloody early in the morning. My brain hasn’t woken up yet. I have no clue why I’m giving it an exercise on my blog now.

I love staying preoccupied nowadays. I wonder why? Well, actually no, I don’t wonder why ‘cause it’s pretty apparent to me lah. And it should be pretty apparent to you too… *coughESCAPISMcough*

Oh, I’m gonna watch 3 plays for free this month! Perks of being ASM without pay. It’s a fair deal and I am happy.

I don't want to be here, I don't want to be here anymore
But I can't seem to lift these fingertips from
Keys that lead me through these same doors.

- “Run”, Between the Trees.

Those lyrics stick out, vivid and almost grotesque. I haven’t been able to get those words out of my head. They mock me. I’m reminded of the million times I’ve done things I shouldn’t have, knowing full well that it’s doing me no good. I just don’t learn because again and again I hope against hope. I keep believing things will be different, each time I start again. I wish I could stop myself from repeating this cycle.

You know it too well;

This steady rhythm drums on,

Beating just for you.

I’m gonna go terrorize them early morning people on MSN now. Because I have no life. le sigh!

A Post for Regrets.

C’mon galaxy; is that all you’ve got?

I will persevere through all the guilt and mixed emotions I’m having now. Things are best this way perhaps? I’ve already exhausted my mind, body and soul and I’m afraid now, that I finally have your answer, I am numbed.

I expected this. I mean, after all, friendship should stay that way. I wasn’t expecting to be accepted and to be honest maybe I’m semi-glad it panned out this way. I knew I was in trouble the minute I started waiting for your replies and storing your messages. I should have backed down, but I didn’t because I guess I liked the feeling of liking you. And you were, and are, just so good to me.

It was selfish. I mean, I kinda jeopardized our friendship. It was selfish of me, especially since you had confided in me so much. I became biased and perhaps I should have told you wayyyy earlier that I was harboring feelings for you. I didn’t because at the time, I didn’t think it would grow to such a degree. And I thought that time would be on our side, and that the right moment will come along just fine in the end.

STUPID, STUPID ME.

I’m taking the news well I suppose. Nothing at all what I expected; waterworks, screaming and maybe a couple of broken mirrors? But there’s none of that. I’m numb to the dramatics of what rejection usually looks like. It’s…strange.

At this point, I’m feeling relieved. I regret not handling this better, but overall, I feel at an amazing ease. It’s like; Yes, now I can continue moving forward that kinda thing?

I just hope we can get rid of all this awkwardness. We’ll know soon, but I hope we can go back to the way we’ve been. Truly, I am sorry I made such a mess of a good thing. And I’m equally sorry that you had to find out this way. *fistbump*

*Closes the book and locks away heart till next foolish endeavor*

Just don’t anymore.

Don’t drop me any hints.

Don’t tell me your secrets.

Don’t talk to me about your worries.

Don’t give me false hope.

Don’t sit next to me at the table.

Don’t bring up our inside jokes.

Don’t refer to the songs we’ve heard.

Don’t refer to the movies that we’ve seen and haven’t seen. 

Don’t quote me quotes we’ve quoted already.

Don’t tag me in your albums.

Don’t show me anymore photos.

Don’t lead me on.

Don’t text me when you’re having trouble.

Don’t use me as your stepping stone.

Don’t tell me about your past.

Don’t share with me how you’re feeling.

Don’t ask me for advice.

Don’t make it seem like you’ve got no one else in mind.

Don’t pretend to return my affection.

Don’t make me think the feeling is mutual.

 

And most of all don’t tell me you never meant any of it at all.

If you only knew how much that’s just not like me.

Karma is a bitch. Ok fine; I won’t rope karma into all of this. THE GALAXY is a bitch. It happened again. Stupid jinxes. You always mess me up.

Yes. I’ve more or less lost the war. But as my button badge proclaims…fuck it.

Maybe you don’t know yet. You aren’t aware of all the stuffffff I’m going through. Probably. Though it kinda doesn’t make sense. I mean, obviously I wouldn’t do even half the things I’ve done for you if I only regarded you a friend. Come on; would you get up that early for a friend if it wasn’t an emergency and if you’d only had 5 hours of sleep the night before?

But you know what; it almost doesn’t matter anyway because you just don’t see me that way. And I was gonna ask you to prom, too. I feel pretty stupid for even thinking vaguely that you would say yes. I mean, I’m just me after all. And she’s… well, she’s all that. I don’t blame you for crowning me with second place; it’s a real guy thing to do anyway, isn’t it?

I’m vowing to not shed any tears. It’s not that you’re not worth it… I just don’t see the point anymore; no matter how many teardrops stain my pillowcase, it’s going to count for naught in the end. I’ll come clean and direct with you someday…

Pity that someday often leads to never.

Let’s Kiss (Keep It Simple, Stupid).

It’s early in the morning and I’m feeling emotionally heavy. Scene studies class gave me a brainteaser. Something to think about. I can’t fall back asleep just yet, so let me just get this off my chest.

My strength is supposedly my truthfulness, my honesty. But I don’t know if I can believe that. I lie to people almost on a daily basis, sometimes about little insignificant things (the time I left college, what I ate for lunch) and sometimes bigger things (who I was online with at god knows what hour, what I was doing out last night).

But worse of all, I don’t think I’m honest to myself. Some times, these lies grow and manifest itself so much so that even I get confused. I blur the line of what’s real and what’s real to me. Reality is what we make of it, but not in this way. Something’s wrong with the way I am living my life. I might be happy with the way it’s going now, but I can’t kid myself; my outlook on life on a whole is unhealthy. I need to understand that lying about something doesn’t make it go away, not forever.

And if my shining trait is honesty, then why can’t I be honest with you? I get tongue-tied and nervous and I lie again and again, to you and to myself.

So. Since I can’t say it to you upright and personal, and I don’t know if I ever will, let me be honest and straight with you here. It’s cowardly, but I need you to hear me.

I love you. I don’t know you as much as I want to, but with all the foolishness of my youth, I love you.  I cannot promise you a lifetime of happiness, but I can promise that I will stay by your side as best as I can. You make me feel like I’ve finally done something right. Don’t go and please understand that I need you.

Yes. I’ve said it. And even now with this great feeling of relief hanging over me, I still feel the need to retract my confession. Why does honesty have to be so damned difficult? Why does so much have to be at stake when telling the truth? I think it’s the fact that telling the truth exposes you and every crevice of your being. No stone left unturned. You put it all on the line for the world to see and that’s what scares me.

What if you read this? What if this whole thing collapses? What if you don’t feel the same way? What if you think I’m talking about someone else? What if you see this and never speak to me again?

Okay.

Fuck the what ifs. Fuck all the lies and half baked truths.

I love you, and that’s all that matters. There will be backlash at some point, but I’ll accept it, knowing I’ve done and said all I can. And if you decide to turn away, I’ll know that you did it, completely aware of the effect you have on me.

OOOHH, SHINY.

A bunch of new awesome songs have made their way onto my playlist. I is the happy.

She is love, and she is all I need. – “She is Love”, Parachute
Let me haunt, let me haunt, let me be your ghost – “Ghost”, Parachute
I’m staring at the mess I made as you turn, you take your heart and walk away – “The Mess I Made”, Parachute

SO. Obviously I’ve only just discovered Parachute. And I loveeeeeeeees them. rawr. I think they are the awesomes.
And life is getting better. ‘Cause I want to see you happy :)
AWWW. ISN’T THAT SWEET? Oh trust me; in real life, it’s nothing like that.

The music is getting me happier though. So. ALL’S GOOD. I hope I didn’t just jinx it. That just seems to happen to me.

Me: Oooooh! Life is so good now! RAINBOWS AND UNICORNS! lalalalala.
TheGalaxy: Belinda’s happy. I repeat, BELINDA’S HAPPY! *sends forth an army of bad luck and negative juju vibes*
Me: Why meeeeeeeeeeeeeee :’(

I swear. The galaxy is out to get me.


Please. Just let me have this one thing ok.

‘Animal’ – Neon Trees

Here we go again
I kinda wanna be more then friends
So take it easy on me
I'm afraid you're never satisfied
Here we go again,
We're sick like animals we play pretend
You're just a cannibal and I'm afraid I won't get out alive
No I won't sleep tonight

Oh oh I want some more
Oh oh what are you waiting for
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh I want some more
Oh oh what are you waiting for, what are you waiting for
Take a bite of my heart tonight

Here we are again,
I feel the chemicals kicking in
Its getting heavy and I want run and hide, I want to run and hide
I do it every time
You're killing me now,
And I won't be denied by you,
The animal inside of you

Oh oh I want some more
Oh oh what are you waiting for
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh I want some more
Oh oh what are you waiting for, what are you waiting for
Take a bite of my heart tonight

Hush hush the world is quiet
Hush hush we both can't fight it
Its us that made this mess
Why can't you understand
Oh I won't sleep tonight, I won’t sleep tonight
Here we go again (here we go again)

Oh oh I want some more
Oh oh what are you waiting for
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh I want some more
Oh oh what are you waiting for, what are you waiting for, what are you waiting
Here we go again, oh oh here we go again, oh oh here we go again,
Say goodbye to my heart tonight
Oh oh I want some more
Oh oh what are you waiting for
What are you wait for
Say goodbye to my heart tonight.

 

One of my newest addictions.

Capri and I should just sync playlists. Really.

Denial…

…is the best way out of everything.

BTW, HELLO JULY!

Yeah, I just realised it’s past midnight.

Yippidy skippidy doo daa!

Oh STFU.

Done with all the emo posts. Back to musing and what not. For now.

Ok. So I need to get my AP assignment up to scratch. At this point, it’s more or less…nowhere. We’ve tried to get some work done but we’ve got 80% more to complete. We is the screwedness.

I’m getting tired of being jostled into doing this and that and this and that. I think I’m entitled to my own opinions right. I can make SOME decisions on my own, without having 5 billion people telling me how to run my life. I mean, come on- I’m not a fucking toddler.

Oh Buried Child by Sam Shepard is such a messed up play. Holy cow. It’s so dark and dramatic and sooooooooo Alex Chua :)

I’m happy to be a part of it, but the fact that there isn’t much to do bothers me a weeeeeee bit. Oh well, hopefully we’ll be busier come next week eh…?

I want a makeover. Real bad.

And I’m discovering that perhaps I am more flawed than I ever imagined. Perhaps, my pretty little world isn’t as pretty as I thought it was. The cracks are starting to show and I wonder how much of it was my own contribution. Time for some soul-searching.