Let’s Kiss (Keep It Simple, Stupid).

It’s early in the morning and I’m feeling emotionally heavy. Scene studies class gave me a brainteaser. Something to think about. I can’t fall back asleep just yet, so let me just get this off my chest.

My strength is supposedly my truthfulness, my honesty. But I don’t know if I can believe that. I lie to people almost on a daily basis, sometimes about little insignificant things (the time I left college, what I ate for lunch) and sometimes bigger things (who I was online with at god knows what hour, what I was doing out last night).

But worse of all, I don’t think I’m honest to myself. Some times, these lies grow and manifest itself so much so that even I get confused. I blur the line of what’s real and what’s real to me. Reality is what we make of it, but not in this way. Something’s wrong with the way I am living my life. I might be happy with the way it’s going now, but I can’t kid myself; my outlook on life on a whole is unhealthy. I need to understand that lying about something doesn’t make it go away, not forever.

And if my shining trait is honesty, then why can’t I be honest with you? I get tongue-tied and nervous and I lie again and again, to you and to myself.

So. Since I can’t say it to you upright and personal, and I don’t know if I ever will, let me be honest and straight with you here. It’s cowardly, but I need you to hear me.

I love you. I don’t know you as much as I want to, but with all the foolishness of my youth, I love you.  I cannot promise you a lifetime of happiness, but I can promise that I will stay by your side as best as I can. You make me feel like I’ve finally done something right. Don’t go and please understand that I need you.

Yes. I’ve said it. And even now with this great feeling of relief hanging over me, I still feel the need to retract my confession. Why does honesty have to be so damned difficult? Why does so much have to be at stake when telling the truth? I think it’s the fact that telling the truth exposes you and every crevice of your being. No stone left unturned. You put it all on the line for the world to see and that’s what scares me.

What if you read this? What if this whole thing collapses? What if you don’t feel the same way? What if you think I’m talking about someone else? What if you see this and never speak to me again?

Okay.

Fuck the what ifs. Fuck all the lies and half baked truths.

I love you, and that’s all that matters. There will be backlash at some point, but I’ll accept it, knowing I’ve done and said all I can. And if you decide to turn away, I’ll know that you did it, completely aware of the effect you have on me.