I am not a two year old who cries when she doesn’t get the toy she wants or the little girl who cries for the ice cream she couldn’t buy or the 13 year old who bawls because she went to a Jonas Brothers concert but couldn’t get autographs. I once upon a time may have been slightly similar but I am not anymore.
I’m coming to terms with a lot of things. Like the fact that I won‘t always get what I want, that people don’t always want the same things as I do, that a chance missed isn’t the end of your whole life, that some things just weren’t meant to be in place of greater things and that love, no matter how hard you try, cannot be forced or quickened.
I am eighteen and I’m wondering if I’ve been a bit slow to realise that life doesn’t play out the way you want it to. Life throws you curve balls all the time and it’s not about the good times, it’s about the lessons. The past one week has just been an eye opener to truths that have helped me get a step closer to acceptance and truths that have been rude awakenings, but still important. Truths that have broke my spirit and truths that have made me smile.
I am eighteen and I do not know what love is. I do not. Familial, yes. But when it comes to a relationship sense, I will admit that I just don’t know. I try, I try to search for it but maybe I’m not supposed to. I throw the word love around so much, I think I tell at least three friends or colleagues that I love them each day. Usually as a form of gratitude or just weaseling my way out of some sort of silly mistake. I’m starting to wonder if all my kidding has distorted my view on love. I need to find better grounding.
I am eighteen and I’ve got a lot more responsibilities now. I need to start planning what I want to do with my life. I need to start taking care of my health because I should be old enough now to know my own body. I shouldn’t be reckless and I definitely should continue giving my dad his due respect and I should appreciate him more for all he’s been doing for me and my siblings.
It’s hard for me; I believe at times that I am still a child; carefree, impressionable, naive and full of passion, raging emotions. Then sometimes, I feel like I need to be a different person, like I need to morph into someone who is wise, who can keep her emotions under control, someone who has a sure plan and knows that things will go wrong along the way, but doesn’t panic because there is a safety net. I am trying to strike a balance. I am just eighteen, how am I to be all those traits at once?
I found out that I am a person who needs regular attention and care. Left to my own devices I can spiral into quite a bad state of mind and become quite self-destructive. I am now aiming to be a different person. I want to be independent and content. I want to be able to deal with disappointing news by looking on the bright side. I’m not saying I want to be a lone wolf, but I want to feel as comfortable alone as I do when I’m with a friend, sitting in his/her car talking or listening to good music. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and confident with who I am.
I am still trying to come to terms with all of this. I’m a big girl now and at this moment I am feeling uplifted and hopeful, despite having troubling revelations hurled my way. I will try to support that people who have said no to me, appreciate the ones who’ve helped get me this far and try my best to not picture the kind of love you see in movies, but the kind of love that you get in real life. The kind of love that makes you a better person at the end of the day.
So. This is for you, my family, my friends, random people I’ve met who’ve become a great part of my life, my exes and my enemies. Thank you for the laughs, the tears, and, most of all, the lessons.
Mood : Grateful :)
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