To be loved.

I don’t really know how to phrase what I’m thinking of at this moment. I’ve got the idea in my head, but I don’t know how to word it out so that it will sound less ugly.

I think I may have never loved you.

Yeah, what the fuck right? I mean, a few posts back I was all over you and now I’m claiming that perhaps I never really felt anything for you. Then again, I am eighteen and isn’t that how hormones work at my age? But I digress.

I think I was in love with the IDEA of being with you. We would have all these things together and in my head it seemed so simple, so perfectly fitting. You could help me come to terms with taking risks while I would help heal you of all those insecurities. A modern fairytale. Minus all the years of hard work and complexities of human nature. Ish.

Maybe I liked the idea of having someone as kind as you taking care of me. Or perhaps it was the notion that you could change my childish ways. Or it could have been the fact that you were just such a catch and I would have been stupid to have not made a move. To be honest, I don’t really know for sure and when I think back, I can’t remember why I did and said half the things I did and said. I think I might have tried to win you over, because you do deserve to be won over in that sense.

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Now that I don’t see you as often, I’m healing up mighty well. I’m adjusting to not having our daily conversations and I rarely give you much thought while I go about my day. So, maybe, I never loved you. Maybe it was just a couple of months worth of (dare I say confess it) desperation and deprivation. Maybe all that ‘want’ inside me made the idea of a relationship with you just that much more appealing.

No offense meant. I mean, seriously, any girl would be lucky to have you. Really, lucky. Its just I’m wondering if I fell for you as a person or you as my would-be fairy tale Prince Charming.

Either I love you and love you still, loved you but am letting go or I never loved you at all. Whatever it is though, I can’t deny that I actually really miss you. Crush or no crush, I miss the time we spent together. Like, really really bad. I miss you so much.

Come back :(