I’m out.

GAH. That’s the sound I make when I’m frustrated. Gah!

It’s just really hard to let go. I feel like I’ve come so far and the progress I’ve made has been more than what even I expected to achieve so it seems stupid to throw this all away now. Okay, I won’t really be “throwing” anything completely away; you’re my friend after all. I just gotta get rid of this little expectancy at the back of my head. I just keep wishing and expecting you to change your mind and… I don’t know. I mean, just give me a chance?

It’s really hard. And it’s surprising because, we’ve not been anything more than just really good friends, you know? But this is really just draining me of all my energy now. I don’t have any left.

There’s not really much else to say. Well, nothing I can word properly at this point. There’s a lot of stuff going through my head but honestly, saying it out here would be a bit too public. And maybe talking further about this is just gonna get me completely messed up because it’s really hard to come to terms with me actually forgetting the possibility of being with you. I’ve always said you were worth fighting for, but you’re making it quite clear that my affection is in vain, so why continue trying? I don’t know where I’m gonna go from here. I guess I’ll just drill myself into my studies and keep my guard up.

I mean, shit, do you know how long it took me to let you know me this well? Before you, it’d been eighteen months since I’d opened up to anyone like that. Eighteen! And then I started with you after so much hesitancy and yet again I fell into that trap I know so well. Granted that being a good friend isn’t a bad thing, it’s not really what I was hoping for. I mean, why do I always get stuck in that category? Just why? I’ve given so much and I thought this time with you… we had chemistry.

Matters of the heart are always so draining. I’ve given up. I mean, why open myself up like that again? You’ve taught me a lesson, I guess. It’s best to keep yourself safe. I’m not going make myself vulnerable to this kind of ache anytime soon. I’ll keep my guard up just as I did for those eighteen months, that’s what I’ll do. I can’t imagine going through another dilemma like this. Maybe it’s best to keep yourself closed off at all times. Maybe when you stop letting people in, you’ll stop getting hurt.

I think I really may need some time away from you. Just till I set my shit straight because I really don’t wanna cry over you. Crying over you just seems stupid. ‘Cause I know damned sure that it’s not gonna help me let go at all.

Crying really seems stupid but I haven’t been able to stop :(