A little itch.

“The cold wind was slapping hard against her cheek. She braced herself against him, using him as a shield against the wind and rain. What a storm. Pellets rained down all around them, creating a fortress of white. She panicked.”

I cannot do another presentation on the economy ever again. I had a minor anxiety attack during class break; it was just too much pressure. Maybe I did contribute to it, psyching myself out and all here and there subconsciously. After all, I did study and do sufficient research on the topic, so there was no reason for this presentation to intimidate me.

But I just really couldn’t handle the stress. It felt, to me, that everything I said was just floating above the heads of everyone in class, as if I were speaking a different language. I felt mocked by my own words. And thus came the notion that I was failing.

I don’t understand why I reacted so badly today. Even after the class break and after I gathered my bearings to plow through the second half of my presentation, I found myself still jumpy and easily disheartened. And the nerves were just killing me a million and one ways every single second. I tripped over words which I use on a regular basis. I started over-compensating by speaking in long-winded sentences and using animated gestures. Every single pause I took weighed a ton and my heart was beating so fast I could hear it thumping around franticly. Just as frantic as my hands were when they searched the textbook for references.

And whenever Miss Jo got up to cover bits of my presentation, I held my breath. Then I’d try my best to continue pretending I was in control of the situation. My mind was going berserk and my tummy started tying itself it knots. I hid all that behind my nervous laughter and the lack of eye contact helped a lot.

I really don’t know why I was so anxious today. I think it was because I only found out yesterday exactly how important my topics were for the syllabus. Maybe also because I knew there were certain expectations for me to rise to. I personally maybe set my standards a bit too high. Either that, or it was me just psyching myself out all the way.

But, really. Today, my mind and everything else was just utter chaos.