Okay, I’ve been trying to get my mind off things but I can’t. After being reminded yesterday and earlier today of how I really feel, it’s like I can’t pretend anymore. I try to distract myself from what I really feel because I’ve kinda set it in my mind that nothing will happen between you and I anytime soon. You just don’t see me that way and there’s really a part of me that’s just given up on us chasing you. Call me weak; there might be some truth in that.
I see relationships that last less or just a little over a month and I usually think “You guys didn’t even try”. I know I’ve had my share of relationships that failed a little too soon for my liking, but I fought for those. It’s just that they (my ex’s) never fought with me. Or at least that’s how I see it. And that is kinda like what I’m feeling now. It’s been awhile since this fight started and till today, in the pit of my stomach, I believe there hasn’t been a concrete moment when you fought for me. I would be lying if I said I feel less for you because of this; it’s just who you are and I can’t blame you. I can’t force you to fight as hard for me, especially since you probably don’t even feel the need to.
The thing is, you can only love so much and fight for such a time. And I really feel that my time is running out. I mean, I enjoy spending time with you and all that, but nothing is reciprocated and I don’t want to have to continue hiding my affection for you. It is abundant and holding it all in and pretending to not care when other girls make passes at you is torture.
I’ve been finding ways to forestall openly admitting that I’ve lost this fight. I’ve been cheating myself into believing that I’ve moved on from you by talking to boys and getting myself worked up about them. I mean, really, they don’t mean anything. Distractions; that’s all they are. Friends and of course, I enjoy their company. But when
I go to sleep at night, I always just wonder where you are and if you are well and if, to some extent, you miss me too. When I hear a love song on the radio, I don’t think of those other boys; I think of you and how I wish it were relevant to us both.
This is becoming a rather pathetic post. I’m friggin’ pining.
The thought of completely giving up on you is too scary. I don’t think I can actually do it. But I have to let go or I am going to constantly be torn between the part of me that’s surrendered and the part of me that’s still fighting. It’s exhausting.
You are still a big part of me. But the idea of “us” actually happening is something I am looking forward to forgetting. Maybe five years from now, before I move away or you get married or something completely tears us apart, I’ll finally have the guts to tell you that all my posts have been about you. And maybe then, you’ll read through all these words and begin to comprehend how much I wanted to continue fighting for you. And maybe then, maybe then you’ll start trying to win me back. That’s all I am hoping for and I really hope it does come true. One day. ‘Cause now unfortunately I feel that my grip is slipping and steadily I’m losing this fight. I hope in time you’ll fight back for me too.
Ugh, I wish my heart was still intact. I think I need to shed some tears. Not tonight, it’s already been too taxing. Maybe by the end of this week. That would be ideal.
And I know I’ve overused these lyrics so many times on this blog, but really, these lyrics depict exactly what’s going on in my head right now:
I don’t know why I fight for you this way.
I think I love you and wish you loved me too.
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