Top 5 of 2011

I'm sure more than just 5 awesome things happened to me this year, but of the top of my head, these are the highs (in no particular order).

1. Inksight – Malaysian Today – 15,000 copies nationwide.

2. Tattoo – In all our imperfections, we found ourselves.

3. Langkawi – Holiday – capscalsdodos.

4. T4YP – FSD + Singapore + Much Ado.

5. Falling in mutual weirdness with Aidan Salman.

Yeap, those seem like a good five. But… it doesn't feel right… Oh, I know why!

There isn't a specific event here, but I think my girls warrant a mention. The amount of trouble I would be in without them!

So.

6. (Still) Being best friends with Rathika, Fatima and Kate.

Because they really do mean that much to me.

Oh, also:

7. Having my first pukefest birthday… well, I don't think it's a high, but it was an experience nonetheless.

Oh, oh, oh and:

8. Picking the right vices. Dropping the ciggs and  cutting off booze.

…

And since I'm on a roll and just two short of a Top 10 -

9. Stage Managing a show (for once) without Chris Ling holding my hand the whole way through. ACHIEVEMENT!

10. Performing/Surviving Short + Sweet.

So my Top 5 of 2011 is apparently a Top 10. Little victories and grand triumphs are important. Ultimately, these things shape who you are.

2011,

goodbye and thank you for the lessons and the memories.

There's this bridge.

It's walking distance from my place.

It's frightfully close by.

Noise.

So much noise in my head. It's the sound of words being suppressed. Of voices being muffled by some form of barrier. An immaterial barrier, of course.

It's all my fault.

I feel as if there's a tug of war taking place in my head. The negative is pulling and the positive is just short of the middle divider.

A Bit of Me.

I used to dream of a white wedding. In the garden. Well, a garden, like the ones with tall hedges for privacy and topiaries all around. I'd be wearing an embroidered white wedding dress with a long train and a lacey veil.

I used to dream really big. But tonight I was thinking about it all and I realise all that isn't important. It's nice and pretty to think of but it's not necessary. Why an elaborate wedding? Who would I even invite to it?

Registration followed by a day with family and my closest friends… yes, that sounds lovely. And affordable.

The gimmicks never matter, Belinda. Happiness doesn't depend on a white wedding. Happiness depends on you.

I believe in the power I possess.

 

I have been broken
But tonight I am reborn;
Something stirs within.

One Giant Leap for Me.

Hey, birthday boy. I think I can safely say your mix tape list is prepared. Now all I need is to get the CD and voila!

So far so good, eh? Those speed bumps are things that will eventually fade. It's not a problem for you and I, it's just a thing. A thing which will eventually die off and leave us be.

Besides, I trust you.

 

LOL, Belinda, you don't sound like yourself. You've obviously been gotten pretty badly.

Oh and, you are the Oliver Woods and Ron Weasley of Quidditch.

GEDDIT, GEDDIT, GEDDIT?! HEEHEEEEEEE.

The Night of Sleeplessness.

I have been lying in bed for the past 4 hours but sleep has not come to claim me.

In between trying to force myself asleep, I started contemplating the universe, my existence and everything else under the sun (as one usually does when one cannot sleep).

My mind drifted. And it came to a scary revelation:

I still think about it. Almost everyday, I think about it. It's been close to three years since I last cut and still I'm convinced that there is only one possible conclusion.

This feeling of worthlessness and impending failure in career, love and life has somehow made its home in my brain. For 3 years I have thought it to have left me, but all this time it's been here. I just haven't noticed it.

Or I have noticed it but thought nothing of it. I caught myself last week thinking of this dark stuff but I dismissed it because I thought, hey, everyone has felt like giving up at some point and I'm allowed to have a down day.

I didn't realise until just now that these thoughts come to me almost daily. I remember thinking of it yesterday, the day before as well.

Now everything is coming back. Everything. And I realise that nothing has changed.

Sometimes I feel the urge is so strong I want to just throw myself out the window. Or take a dangerous stroll at 3am in the morning. Find a way to make it seem like an accident so that people will mourn and not hate me for being a selfish coward. Because I know I am one, but that's not what I want to be remembered as.

Some days I curse myself for not having the guts to just go through with it and end it once and for all.

And thanks to tonight's wonderful discovery, I feel it all.

I thought I'd made progress. I thought I wasn't that girl anymore. I thought I could beat it.

In so many ways, tonight has shown me that I am so much like my mom, the person I probably detest the most. I am so much like her and it makes me sick.

All this could have been avoided if I'd just swallowed a few more pills back in 2007, if I hadn't told that guy about what I'd done and just gotten into a cab and waited somewhere for the pills to work their magic.

But I was a coward then just like I am a coward now. Too cowardly to wait for the future and too much of a coward to take matters into my own hands. That's how useless I am.

I feel like that kid again when her parents split up, Standing in the kitchen, ready to strike, but waiting for someone to come home and stop her.

Argggggh, all these noises and voices in my head. I'm nothing! Just let me be, Just let me be.

It seems inevitable. It might be tomorrow. It might be a year from now. It might even be when I am 70. But I just know it's the only way,

I love how irregularly I blog.

2008 – 8 posts

2009 – 15 posts

2010 – 133 posts

2011 – 35 (thus far and excluding this one)

Currently at Old Town White Coffee, Jaya One with Ashraf.

SO HERE'S A VIRTUAL INTERNET SHOUT OUT TO HIM, whoots whoots!

oh wait I forgot. HE'S TOO COOL FOR THE INTERNET.

anywaaaaaays. My battery is dying and this post is just here for the sake of being a post.

Maybe next week when I'm not so tired (YEAH RIGHT) I'll post up something that's more substantial.

Till then, fuck you and you and you and most definitely, Ashraf.

That good/bad after taste.

I've picked up smoking.

For the most part of my childhood and adolescence, I hated the smell of cigarettes (and I still do, off and on). I was even once so naïve as to say I would never pick up smoking, NEVER. But here I am, enjoying almost a pack a week.

I don't flaunt it out in public; I wouldn't call myself a social smoker. Most often, I have a cigarette at home, in secret. I rarely smoke with friends. Maybe one or two sticks when I'm out drinking, but I don't drink often so I guess you could say I'm pretty private about it.

I guess, it's because I'm probably somewhat ashamed. Silly? Quite.

Heh, remember about two years ago when you started smoking? Remember how I scolded you, made you feel bad about it, told you how stupid you were for smoking just to fit in and look cool? I wouldn't give you two seconds of peace until you promised to quit and eventually you did. And I was so happy… ugh, I wonder what you would say now. "Hypocrite."

This might sound kind of strange, but I find a kind of sick, twisted satisfaction in the fact that smoking is now the one vice we share (or shared, depending on whether you still smoke). It's kinda fucked up that I would even find such vague solace in the thought. I sound depraved.

I wonder if you would try to stop/discourage my smoking now, if we were still friends. Would you? Well. I guess I'll never know.

And it just hit me that I haven't vented about you here in a long time. Then again, it's a different story on Tumblr. I guess I just haven't used Blogger in a long time, it's not that I haven't thought about you recently.

Actually, the past two weeks or so have been insanely trying. I don't know why now of all times, but that's the way it is. I often wake up from long winded, weird ass 3D looking dreams of you and me and always, the dreams take place or begin at the same location; our old high school. You're in a pinafore, your hair tied in two short pig tails. Sometimes, the dreams are so real, I confuse them with memories. There are nights when I don't know what is real and what is not.

By the way, I texted you because I missed you. And I still do. Very, very much.

Oh gosh, I'm so pathetic. It's just one friendship right? Why the fuck should I even care this much? Bullshit. This is complete bullshit. People get torn up like these over breakups, divorces. So why am I reacting this way? Tons of childhood friendships never make it past college; deal with it.

Damn it, you were the most important person in my life for the past 8 years. And to be very brutally honest I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next 8. I could try to replace you, and I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't tried, but it's pointless. It's just… nothing seems the same. Nothing's as good as it was, way back when.

 

 

Please just tell me how I can make this right again.

Testing, 54321.

as the title proposes…

Stephen Crane's In The Desert

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter – bitter", he answered,
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart."

Post-Langkawi Blues.

Not even a week back in KL and already the weight and heartache of city life has set in.

Everything seemed better in Langkawi.

The sky was bluer. The sun was brighter. The air was fresher. The streets were cleaner. The people were happier.

And there was still the possibility of…something for you and I.

I want to go back. Or rather I want to run away from here. These KL blues make me want to be someone else entirely.

Even my dreams were better… the dream I woke up with today morning terrified me. You left.

Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back.

And recently I've been very touchy about sexuality. It hurts me that there's still so much hate. Doesn't matter if it's KL, Langkawi, USA; there's so much hate everywhere.

Everything to do with homophobia strikes a chord with me nowadays.

When will I be able to feel safe and secure with admitting that I like girls as well as guys? Sometimes, it makes me question if I'll ever be comfortable in my own skin.

Everything seems easier in a heterosexual world.

Mood: Disheartened.

Chase. Chase. Chase. Pit Stop. Chase.

I'm waking up next to nothing after dreaming of you and me.

- Radio by Alkaline Trio

This isn't a romantic song. It's actually about revenge. But these lyrics specifically were carefully constructed to inflict nostalgia and woe… must be.

I guess it's time for a rest? I already had a brief time in the beginning of May to recuperate and sort my shit out. However, the manic-ness of the last two weeks or so have driven me slightly over the point of sanity.

Need this time to rewire my brain. It has to stop thinking about you every few minutes. It's a glitch that must be fixed because I can't afford to care so much about someone who shows all signs of being out of reach.

Perhaps the next time we meet, I'll be a composed young lady who isn't giddy and in love.

Eh, jap jap jap. Love? When did this come into the picture? Gone lah. Kantoi. How's that song from Hercules? At least out loud, I won't say I'm in love.

Even more reason for me to get away from all these stupid emotions and feeeeeelings. So gross and so beautiful and wonderful at the same time.

I swear, I can't win.

I'm no Charlie Sheen.

P/S: I will do my best to remedy and heal. You cause me more distress than joy anyway. I will be happy and I simply must be because anything else isn't worth my time.

Langkawi, you will be unforgettable.

Song montage 7,915,204 for heartache number 3.

You stole my heart and then you kicked it aside. But do you really feel alive without me? Are you mine, not just when you wanna be, all the time?  Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart. Driving in your car, I never, never want to go home. Maybe you’re gonna be the one that saves me. I might as well write the words right on my face that all I want is you. I can't explain why it's not enough 'cause I gave it all to you. Does he drive you wild or just mildly free? She took my heart; I think she took my soul. If everything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again. I’ll wait for you but I can’t wait forever.  I know we can make it if we take it slow. I cannot stop thinking about you, I cannot stop wondering if you are constantly thinking about me. What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me? You get used to the pain. Love you so much, it makes me sick. I don't know why I fight for you this way. You know what I wanted, I gave what I gave. Would I be out of line if I said I miss you? Aku pergi tapi aku kembali. All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here in my arms. I wished I was special; you're so very special. You are everything I want ‘cause you are everything I’m not.

We've got to make a decision because this isn't healthy.

An excuse of sorts.

I've vowed so many times to keep this blog going, but the lack of wi-fi at home has become a real pain. It's about 3 months now and it's played a huge part in my cyber absence.

Yes, there are tons of spots around college with wi-fi and all, but because I rarely have spare time, when I do get online, I spend it updating all the necessary portals first; I reply emails, I get back to all my adoring fans on Facebook, reply all the belated tweets and of course, queue up my Tumblr.

…okay, so maybe I have begun to prioritize Tumblr over this blog, but I promise, it is only because I don't want to spend my scarce internet time thinking of what to share and what to hide on this blog.

I miss blogging here tons, but… I've got my little white book of secrets now which has sated the blogging itch. I think that book is almost have full and it's been less than two months since I began writing in it. I'll probably need to get another one soon.

"Then I guess we should just be friends" "I'm just kidding Holly, you know that I'll love you till the end"

Those are lyrics from one of my most recent drugs – "Well It's True That We Love One Another", The White Stripes.

NOT THAT I'VE FOUND ANYONE I'D LOVE TILL THE END! well… maybe Capri and the girls. definitely not myself. but we will not digress; I have to explain my heartache for her. it's been awhile and I am still hooked.

oh c'mon; you must have guessed I would rant a bit about ze non-existent love life at some point right.

Here's an excerpt from my would-be journal that explains how I've been holding up (not).

"…I've gotten used to the idea of being expendable. And I accept now that nothing lasts forever and since that's the case, nothing is usually worth the heartache. Oh I sound like a sad fat girl who will miss out on life…well, I am… I've become a hateful thing."

That's the horrible mindset that's plagued me. It really sucks balls. It was a significant low point in the course of things that were to happen and I guess you could say I was on the brink of giving up because I felt like a weakling. I felt… unnecessary. and pretty fucking unloved.

The thing here is that I still miss her as much as I did a month ago. And that's not good because she got along pretty darn well in my absence. And shit that fucking hard to admit.

Am I friggin' delirious? I don't know but I'm afraid that we might just be friends… which we are now, but I don't want that…I think. I mean, I want to be friends but more, just not yet.

Ok fuck the romantic shit; I want to have a shot. Yes, that's it. I want to have a chance to see if this can go anywhere. And I don't think two weeks is a fair duration. Not at all. I don't want to give up on this possibility, if there's even one.

I mean I tried for a bit to stop the madness and the want, but the minute there was even a glimmer of hope, I fell back into the insanity that seems to envelope her.

Oh shit I can't believe I'm writing about this here. fuckfuckfuck.

After being apart for a pretty long time, we recently spoke again. And that day was pretty darn great and I was wrapped around her finger again. Just like that. But damn, I know that I will remember that day for a really long time, because it was the stuff great scripts are made of.

I wrote something on Tumblr which was more detailed and I can't post it here because I'm afraid I might be found out. (yes, that's another reason I rant on tumblr a lot, because not a lot of people I know have me on there and I couldn't give two fucks if a stranger thought I was a pathetic piece of shit).

As I said earlier, I miss her and I think I'm beginning to accept(?) that I'm a bit past just crushing and probably that is what scares me the most. It's been awhile since the reality of what can and can't happen has been so in my face.

I'm scared and that's the truth and she knows because my façade just doesn't work with her. Since the first week, she could always read me.

And that makes me question why nothing has happened between us yet.

oh shit I'm striking out a lot of things; it's like all my secrets are tumbling out.

and notice how all the strike outs only begin when I start talking about her?

Fuck.

I wish I knew what I should do, like, some kind of meter which could tell me if my actions are doing me any good at all because, lately, it's been hard to trust myself.

Especially around her.

These things take time, love.

This blogger is very upset with herself. I should be fine and dandy by now. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

See, it's easy to decide you're going to be happier; it's a whole other thing to actually put it into practice. I made the decision to be happier last year when I performed in Singapore. I had this brilliant (and simple) epiphany while I was there; I needed to do more things that made me happy. Sadly, I think for the past few months I've been doing the exact opposite.

Theater was always this outlet of great escape for me. It was reassuring knowing I could transform myself (convincingly I hope) into whatever character I needed to portray. I think that's what I loved about acting the most; the feeling of control and that most times I could completely become another person.

Of course, that view has changed a bit since then. I've learned to really appreciate writing and the work that goes into creating an amazing and truthful performance. Even so, I still find a lot of comfort and "Zen" when I manage to pull off the right intentions.

I haven't performed in a proper stage production since MukaBuku. It's been almost six months. The interactive theater bit that I was involved in earlier this year (while I enjoyed it) just wasn't enough I guess. I miss performing. The bump-in period, the rush to get lines down, the horrible/hilarious fuck ups. So I ask myself; if acting brings me so much joy, why have I stopped?

It's been puzzling me for such a long time. I just… I really don't understand it. Every time I try to solve this mystery, I feel my chest grow really uneasy. I'm completely at a loss.

And I feel to some extent, my lack of involvement in performing arts has led me to the rut I'm in. I had something to lift me up last time when the world got in the way of my peace of mind. Now, I've lost that security and confidence and I feel very vulnerable.

I've grown a lot as a person and I know I'm still struggling with a lot of things. I understand and accept that I've got a lot of issues to address and sort out and come to terms with. I guess it takes time.

But I really would like to believe that I am on the road to recovery, even if it's just a tentative step in that direction. I'd like to believe I haven't yet done all I can do to help myself and there's still a chance that one day I'll find resolve. Like boom, one day I'll wake up and I'll be where I want to be.

I hope these aren't just empty words but one day, I hope I will be happy.

The High before the Crash.

8 years.

FUCK YOU. 8 years. I tried to be the best I could be to you. And now you're gonna just stop? No explanation, no calls, no texts, no nothing.

I'm damn tired of it. I've been feeling like crap this past two months, trying to salvage the friendship we had. But I am so done putting myself out there for you.

FUCK YOU. I found it in me to abandon my ego and you just sit there on your ass like you're fucking royalty and just brush me aside. What gives you the right to do that? You don't even have the balls to own up to it. You run and run and run. You can't look me in the eye.

I guess now I know what I ever meant to you. You were ready to let me fall at any given time. BECAUSE ALL YOU EVER REALLY GAVE A FUCK ABOUT WAS YOURSELF. To some extent, I can understand that; you need to put yourself first. But I never got in the way of that. So just tell me why you're just trampling all over me?

You know. This post was supposed to be about how great my birthday was, it was supposed to be about the girl I like, it was going to be about how awesome the past few days have been.

Well, thanks for bringing me back to reality. If I can spend 8 years trying to please someone and still somehow not be enough, I guess there's no point even hoping I'll ever mean anything to anyone.

Yeah, I'm letting you know the wreck you're leaving behind. But honest to God, I'm so sick of investing myself in relationships. Fuck it.

Thanks for teaching me a lesson I'll keep forever; the only person who can ever truly love you is yourself.

I'm not letting anyone in.

Wanker

Gonna wank off about my feeeeelings and gratitude now.

I have some of the bestest most awesome friends. I may not be Miss Popular or whatever, but I'd choose quality or quantity any day. And my friends are like fine fucking top notch Persian rugs.

Some of the texts I've been getting have reminded me of the awesome support system I have. I like that though we drift apart now and then, they'll always be there, as I'll always be for them.

These people are pretty good reason to continue pushing forward and enduring all the curveballs.

I feel very very loved.

It's my Birthday!

Yeaaaah. I'm spending my birthday at Old Town White Coffee Jalan Ipoh. FUN? INDEED.

My family threw a little dinner party for me last night. It was a small event; the usual suspects were there and we spent most of the nights reminiscing. Of course, tons of my blunders and epic fail moments came about, but it was nice to remind ourselves of how silly we were as kids (not that I'm not still a kid anyway).

After, me, Nicky, Bernice and Denice went out for drinks at Brussels in JayaOne. Stayed out till after midnight and went straight home after 'cause I was completely drained. My cousins weren't really drinkers so we cut the night pretty short.

At midnight, quite a few people texted and called me to wish me happy birthday. But because I was so exhausted and kinda out of it, I didn't reply most of the texts. And when I woke up today, there were 5 missed calls on my phone and like 11 texts. I slept through all of the ringing :3

So. Today is laid back. A nice laid back birthday. I might be going out with someone later, but the fella still sleeping lah. hahahaha And later tonight, I'm gatecrashing a party. Late night board games, here I come!

Yes, so it may look now that my birthday is gonna be pretty boring. But my girls helped plan me a party for tomorrow night :D (Srsly, you guys, I love you both for organizing the whole thing, really)

I'll update more on that after it actually happens. But I'm really looking forward to tomorrow :)

Unrequited Love.

"Everything that belonged to her husband made her weep again: his tasseled slippers, his pajamas under the pillow, the space of his absence in the dressing table mirror, his own odor on her skin."

Love in the Time of Cholera,
Gabriel Garcia Marquez

This book is poetry. So beautiful. It was pretty damn draining to read (for me) because the language was twisted so beautifully. I've got about another 30 pages to read but I just had to post up that quote. That was the line which captivated me most.

It's a love story that spans 51 years so no shit it's a lot to digest. The first half of the book for me was golden. The next 50 pages after that were a bit draggy, but this book just somehow manages to pull you back in. There's this really beautiful flow to it, how he transitions from one point to another. I'm hoping to his other famous book, One Hundred Years of Solitude :)

Yes, it's a story on unrequited love but it's just genius.

Laser Tag.

I went for my first ever laser tag experience with Dodo, Capri and Nikki (Caps sistaaaaaaah). At first I was all psyched, even though I only found out we were going to play laser tag on the way to mid valley, and because a certain somebody(whose name rhymes with CAREFREE) forgot to let me know the day before, I went laser tagging in a skirt.

Even better, out of the group of around 30 who were going to play in our mission, only me and Nikki were girls… and on top of that we were the only two people who hadn't ever played before.

Anyway, as I mentioned, I was psyched at first. But the minute we got into the space, I knew I wasn't going to enjoy myself the way I thought I would. I sucked balls. I think I almost tripped like 5 times (but at least I didn't run into any pillars and bump myself on the forehead).

But yeah, we were playing with kids who were younger than us (probably no older than 15 most of 'em) and they were SO into it, it creeped me out. hahahaha omg, I sound like a friggin' pussy but well...

I've always been kiasu but those kids there were on another level. Needless to say, I got hit like every 15 seconds or whatever. I guess lots of people would love that rush of playing a commando; getting to run for cover, doing ninja rolls across the floor, sneaking up on enemies and when I think about it, I guess I would too. But when push came to shove, I guess I wasn't much into it. Maybe because it was my first time and I still felt out of sorts.

Capri mentioned it probably wasn't so fun since we were playing with strangers; I guess if it was a big ass group of friends, it'd be a different story.

Either way, I don't think I'll be super-stoked the next time anyone mentions laser tag. I enjoyed the experience I guess, but maybe I'll save my RM25 for .shoes or drinks or something.

Fluffy-fying.

I'm so horrible at watching TV. I mean, I know I'm a lazy fart  and TV is often the lazy fart's most prized possession but really; I'm in a state of restlessness. With the internet at home be disabled till next week, I find myself struggling to entertain myself.

Since TV can't satisfy me (EHEM), I've made it a point to finish reading "Love in the Time of Cholera" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez by next week. However, because it's been almost a month since I spent more than 2 hours on a good book, I find  my attention swaying so much.

I feel like I have to be actively doing something. Ok not actively, maybe physically? Reading is basically me lying in bed with a book in my hand and the only time I move is when I flip the pages. For that reason, reading just can't hold my attention too long. I have no clue when this little tick started happening to me. Two years ago, I was happy to stay in bed all day on a weekend reading whatever book I could find.

Yes, I know, bumming yourself around the laptop isn't active either. But I have to say, I enjoy typing; I'm DOING something. And when I blog, I actually do give thought to what it is I'm putting out. Well, Most of it is just brain food but it's an active thing. And I don't just blog here, but also only tumblr (and other than pretty photos, I do have some personal posts in there because I know my tumblr is relatively unknown to people I know in real life).

Also, I think when I'm online, I'm usually buzzed. 'Cause more often than not, I'm waiting for a specific someone to come online or to start talking to me. And because I don't have the balls to text said person everyday, I worry for said person on and off throughout the course of my boring day. I'm Pisces and I'm a daydreamer by nature, so my daydreams are often pretty exciting (and fluffy-fying).

Heh. Fluffy-fying. I like that word. I think shall call this post, Fluffy-fying.

Rina and Yosuke

3 years ago my dad brought in two Japanese backpackers to live with us for awhile. One was Rina, who if I'm not mistaken, had just finished secondary education in Japan and was around Asia before going back to her hometown of Osaka. The other was Yosuke, this dude who was a mad ass percussionist; he too backpacked all around Asia, with only his drums to get him any income.

I remember when I first met both of them, I felt really awkward. Neither of 'em spoke very good English and they were literally strangers picked out of the street. How and why? The day that my dad met both of them, he was around the Puduraya bus station during one of his events. My dad was almost hit by a bus that day and he was lucky because someone yanked him back just in time. I guess my dad saw it as a sign and karma works both ways, so I guess he decided it was his turn to do something good for someone else.

He bumped into Yosuke and Rina as they fumbled with a map, trying to get directions (or something like that). Both of them too had met perchance; they just happened to meet each other at Puduraya that day. My dad spoke with them and offered to take them in for however long they wanted.

Rina stayed for about two weeks and Yosuke almost two months. I remember crying quite a bit when they left; they were pretty awesome people.

I know you're probably tired of hearing PRAY FOR JAPAN. To be honest, I am too, especially when people just use the phrase again and again to feel good about themselves.

It's terrible, what's happening there. I just wished I knew if Rina and Yosuke are okay. We couldn't keep in contact once they left Malaysia because for some reason their email addresses didn't work.

I'm just praying (yes, praying) that somehow, they weren't in Japan at the time. They're backpackers right? Maybe they're safe.

But yeah. I really hope their okay. And it makes me really sad that there's no way to even know :(

Instant Delirium

I love spending time with you.

Oh God, I make myself sick. Having such ridiculous feelings for someone whom I barely know.

Why does my heart do this to me?

I really can imagine, you know, a fantasy wedding; even if marriage isn't an option here.  (LET ME STRESS ON THE WORD FANTASY, JUST IN CASE ANYONE THINKS I'M BEING CREEPY. I'M ALLOWED TO FANTASIZE AND DAYDREAM ALL I WANT.)

It'd be scary at first because it'd be me confirming my sexuality and the way I live and who I am and what I want and how people view me and I will be anything but heterosexual.

I mean, I'm not heterosexual now anyway, but since I've never had anything serious with a girl, it still 'might' (though it's highly unlikely) be a phase???????!?!?!?!?!?

But I think you're worth it. Love is worth it. I promise not to throw away something like what you and I could have.

I can't wait to go out with you on our next date :)

 

And in all our imperfections, we found ourselves.

I'm talking about you.

But I'll stop. Because evidently, this won't work.

Talking about this really hurts. Why do I put myself through this? I should just cease. Just stop trying.

Always the friend.

I'm guessing I'll be venting a lot today.

You long for sleep because that's when the thoughts cease. You bury yourself in your bed sheets hoping sleep will whisk you away into the quiet.

It's sad when sleep feels like the only place you're safe. Your brain is the main cause of your delirium and powering it down is the only way to feel in control again.

I'd love to just not think, not be for awhile. Maybe I should just spend my life sleeping away. I hate what my thoughts do to me.

What's the point of doing anything if you know you're going to sink back to your old habits anyway?

I'm sick.

Friggin' unbelievable.

I'm at Old Town Jalan Ipoh and I'm bawling my eyes out. fantastic. Fucking fucking fantastic.

I wanna runaway from myself, anyone know how to do that?

How fluffy can you get, Belinda?

My mind has been refusing to work. I tried to get some revision done for my exam on Monday, but it's just not happening. I think the past week was such a big deal, so my brain is still digesting all the signs and what not. Trying to unravel the mystery that is…

I'm pretty happy now but I'm so afraid that this happiness will be short lived. I hope not 'cause I actually believe my luck might be turning around. And I'd hate to think you were only paying me attention for the hell of it.

This one kid makes me smile like a little girl on Christmas day. I feel like I'm being treated with so much tender care; it's as if to this person, I'm actually worth saving. It's great because not many people have made me feel this way before. So gentle. This kid sees me and it brings on this incredible rush, like WHOOOOOSH! X)

…

Bloody hell, ground yourself already! >.<

The Last 5 Years.

I loved it. Okay. Maybe, I liked it very much. That sounds better.

The music for me was the star of the show. Amazingly beautiful accompaniment and the songs were pretty awesome. Tabitha Kong can sing, there's no question about it and she blew me away with the power in her voice.

And Jon Chew was just adorable. hahahah.

If you're intending to watch, look out for Jon's piece "The Schmuel Song". Yes, it's a weird name, but I have to say, that song was the highlight of the show for me. The visuals were SO AWESOME and Jon looked so at ease singing it. Plus, he danced. AND THAT WAS SUCH A SIGHT :P

The audio recording from a past production of The Last 5 Years.

So yes. Go watch. Or die.

*I had 4 hours of sleep. Don't blame me for not making much sense please, thanks.

Last night was golden.

I was smiling all night like a retard. You have that affect on me.

I'm glad we spent all that time together. Really.

Maybe there'll be more? Dates? Like last night?

Ah. I shouldn't give this too much thought.

But I can't. 'Cause you're stamped across my brain.

:) Chinaman.

I was not paid to promote.

"The Next Ten Minutes" from the original Off-Broadway production.

The Last 5 Years starts it's run tomorrow. OMG SO EXCITES. And that's saying a lot, since I'm not really a huge fan of musicals. But yeah, I've already made plans to watch the show tomorrow :)

Capri sent me the link to that video up there and at first I didn't want to watch it, because I didn't want a spoiler. But I have no will power, so yeah; I caved in and gave it a listen and now I really can't wait to watch this song performed live. Major goosebumps D:

Oh also, I've gotta pick out some English books. I'd better do that now.

No, actually, I'm going to EAT now. Then I'll pick out those books. Hmmm.

I've been found out.

I really scared me when you pointed out the chink in my armor. I was surprised. I mean, my façade works most of the time; I'M A HAPPY LITTLE GIRL SCOUT.

How could anyone see past that so soon? fuck. I mean. I don't want everyone to know I'm just covering up some deep rooted kind of "sickness".

Radiohead's Creep done acoustic.

This song embodies a lot of what I've been feeling today. And actually, since forever.

I really don't think I'm strong enough for anything.

I feel very unloved.

I'm not okay, but I'll be alright?

I don't want you think of her every time you think of me. I don't like this similarity we seem to have 'cause now I believe I'll always be compared. I hate it.

I know we're new (so new) but I like you. Really. It's kinda saddening for me to imagine this little thing might remain a one sided affair for the rest of what's left of it.

It's days like these when I wish I was pretty, I wish I knew the right things to say, I wish I had natural charm and grace and I wish I knew how to make you mine.

Ultimately, I wish I was someone other than me.

'Cause quite apparently, you don't think of me the way I think of you; I think you're pretty fucking perfect and I think ANY girl would be lucky to have you. It's equaled to winning the fucking lottery or getting pair aces twenty times in a row during black jack. I'd be so ridiculously insane. Well, I am already. Is that creepy?

I hate that the Disney movies I watched as a kid have set this standard of romance for me. I feel like I have to get the person I want. I'll succeed pretty fine on my own, but I still believe there's something missing without romance or affection. Is that pathetic? I think it is; I think I am.

Why can't I just win? or why can't I just fall for someone less perfect? Why can't I just fall for someone who's available, who wants to love me back?

Good things happen to good people… oh, really?

We set up the college gallery for our exhibition tomorrow. Wasn't too sure how that was gonna go down, but I guess it's not too bad. At first, I felt our booth was the worst; we had a very vague idea what we wanted to present our photos like.

But after some tips and hints by a few people, I guess it turned out ok. it looks kinda artsy at least and since my theme is "ART" it works.

It was tiring though. I felt we weren't working as a group, to be honest. Haihs. Maybe next time I'll learn to include people in the work load more? Then again, I wasn't supposed to be group leader, but as no one stepped up to the plate, I was almost thrown into the position (just my opinion).

Most of the other groups look good, but I think there's one or two that could've done better. Well, all of us could. Ah well. We'll just have to wait for tomorrow to know if we did okay.

Oh in other news, I'll be watching The Last 5 Years this Thursday. SO EXCITES. After seeing a bit of their photoshoots, I'm expecting awesome things. I can't wait for Thursday :)

The "Demons".

 

Found that on Tumblr and… whoa. Laughed sooooooooooo hard. And it only hit me earlier today that I reblog so many posts pertaining homosexuality. A lot of 'em are ridiculing the stereotypes. They kinda snap at homophobes and what not.

 

Also found this one:

Above it were the words "If any country wants to beat the US in a war, just send out all your gays. It's like kryptonite." LOL-ed sooooooo hard. Well, we know Malaysia and US have at least one similar weakness then :p

Help is good, but you're not helping.

Ok. I understand that you think that note you posted up is probably going to give hope , though I don’t really see what you can achieve through it. It’s noble and I commend you for that. But as someone who has personally been dealing with this for the past few years, reading your post only got me down.

You're talking about pushing those thoughts to a side and believing in life and the people around you. But you have to realize, most of us do enjoy life, here and there. We’ve got friends like any other person in the world, we’ve got a loving family, we get good grades and we don’t think about suicide 24/7. The times when the idea of suicide is absent are the best times for me personally.

So, when I go online, I’m not expecting to be reminded of the strength many of you possess. It’s not like I’m all “Oh I wanna die now”, but I’m just saying that reading your note didn’t do any good for me. ‘Cause you have to realize I’ve heard that same speech in a variety of angles from a million different people before. You're not the first to try that "Life is beautiful, you're making a mistake" point of view. I hear it all the time; it's becoming a senseless platitude.

All I’m trying to say is it’s not easy for someone who’s been suffering for quite awhile, to just get over it. If there was a foolproof method to steadily cure ourselves, we’d opt for that. We want to be healed. Not all of us are masochists. We try optimism and realism and often neither work.

I’m not hating, I just want you to be aware of what you’re sparking up by writing a preachy note like that. If you really want to help, get people to go into therapy or just get them to talk it out. It’s better for them to voice out what they feel rather than having to put up with a long speech about what they can and cannot feel. I would know; I've been there, done that.

So please. Just stop being so full of shit.

It's late and my brain is pumping.

I would like nothing more than to just be whisked away from here. I think quite a few know this. Maybe. Either that or they just put up with what I say, thinking I never mean it.

I actually really do. It's been over three years and this thing I have is probably the only constant. I'm pretty sure it's become a permanent part of me. I've kind of accepted it, but there are moments when I believe someone will suddenly pop up and save me.

Hmm. I was born 'weak'- as in, I crumble pretty easily. Many things scare me and my loud exterior is just there to fake being brave. When things scare me, I seek the easiest and most cowardly way out. I pretend to be ashamed of it, but actually I wouldn't change. Best to get out of there before something gets me.

I've faced some fears but I honestly believe these minor triumphs won't sway the grand scheme of things.

I already know.

For all whose heart is aching.

Maroon 5. Their music seems to be super awesome live. Omg. I wants. PLEASE :(

Every time I think of the word "ache", my stomach is filled with this notion of impending doom. Just for awhile. It's even stronger when you verbally pronounce it. Ache. Ache. It's a pretty painful word to say.

I realise, when it comes to loss, there's two types of aches; the immediate and the culminated.

Immediate ache is essentially you lose something and you plummet into this total abyssssss of despair. But after a really long time, you kind of find your way out it and you're ok again.

The culminated ache just sucks. Srsly. It does. It really rips you apart, or maybe just me. It's when you lose something and at first you're all gung-ho and shit. and you're like, naaaaaaaah, I'll be fine, it didn't mean anything. Then you go about thinking you're ok and after awhile it just eats away at you and BOOM; you hit rock bottom and everything just stops to matter. Yeah. The intensity there, sucks. Really.

Hmm.

Someone whom I've most recently became friends (?) with is going through some shit now apparently. Tbh, her situation reminded me of this song. It was my anthem when I was going through something similar.

If I could wish for one thing, it'd be for everyone to be happy. I know that's not ever going to happen, but mindless dreaming is worth something, I think. It kind of gives you an extra push to just slave through the rest of the day, because you believe that something tremendous will happen in the end and save us all.

Often, it's kind of like chasing the sunset. You'll never get to the sun, but you think you will, and so you just continue chasing. At least you're doing something other than moping about what you'll never have.

Yes. Mindless dreaming sometimes has its benefits and if they come true, all the better.

Well. This is awkward.

Some time towards the end of January, I blocked off this blog and stopped posting.

I did that because I realised I was censoring myself and blogging for the readers, rather than myself. And that's not why I made this blog, so I decided to take a break to think about what I wanted. So yays me, welcome back.

It's been a month and it's been eventful. Classes (being what they were this past semester) were pretty lenient but things apart from the lectures were a challenge. With the whole new dynamic in the classroom and the new personalities to gel with, I think it's safe to say it was awkward as hell during the first few weeks.

But I was happy and maybe I'll be happier?

Hmm. I've been staying pretty quiet on the theater front. I really don't know why. Maybe it's true; I've burnt out :( Guess I'll be quiet till May; I've got something up that month hopefully.

Oh and I've learnt that I fail at flirting. Seriously. I'm pathetic.

I'm going to get off the blog now and probably watch some Dexter. Season 5, here I come!

**For the few of you who are still reading, thanks for putting up with my mess :)

Confused.

I’m pretty patient (or so I’d like to think). Ok, maybe not patient, but I can tolerate quite a bit. It’s the lapse of basic consideration for others which I just cannot and won’t stand for. That and fucktards.

I’ve been bitching about this stupid peeve the whole day to anyone who would (and wouldn’t) listen. And for that reason, I’ll not go into details here. Let’s just say I was so mad, my bitch face kinda just burst through and that kinda met my bitch-quota for the day.

ANYWAY. On to other things. I finally began college again. My God, I don’t think I could handle another one month long break. It drove me to the brink of insanity. But the break was good, mostly. I needed the time to get some things into perspective. It’s all better now.

Also, as I’m prepping this post now, I am munching on some Lindt chocolate. And I’m also thinking a lot about Valentine’s day. And I’m really confused because mix signals do that to a person.

I’m going back to Tumblr-ing. I don’t want to analyze things now.

PS: I wish you’d apologize.

Hop to it then.

If you hate pining and whining, best to not read this post.

Ok. So I’ve been feeling like crap and worse. I’m quite tired of not knowing exactly what I’m aiming for, disappointed that some of my friendships have been falling apart and really annoyed at how tired I am of feeling lonely.

I can’t make up my mind ‘cause one minute I don’t give two fucks if I have to cut ties and the next I’m doing everything I can to mend things and get things back to normal.  And and and I find that at first I’m interested and two seconds later I give you the cold shoulder. Fuck. I’m a mess. I gotta sort my shit out. It’s just the first friggin’ month of 2011 and already I feel like smashing in somebody’s head.

Ok and I’ll be really pissed if I have to spend fucking Valentine’s Day alone again. I don’t care if I have to spend it with a friend even, I'm just really tired of the loneliness. Call me desperate, pathetic or whatever, this is how I feel and I should at least be free to express it. I don’t have control of much, but I know this is one thing that no one can force me to change.

You know, I just miss having someone to care for and having someone who cares for me. You can say I have my friends who care, and yes they do, but you and I both know they’re just two different kinds of care.

Oh, gosh honestly. I’m tired of being alone and bitter and mad. Please let this all change. Just somehow change.

Tumbling and Tweeting.

Okay, so I realise I’ve been a bit slow on updating the blog and all, and here’s the reason why: my life is kinda ‘meh’ now. Still on college break, so there’s not much to say. I’ve spent most of my time on Tumblr and Twitter and there’s really not much else to be said.

Oh, but the bestie and I are going to start baking on a fortnightly basis or something. We tried already a few times, and so far, we’ve done quite okay. I wanna make an apple pie next. nomnomnom. maybe I’ll bake one the day before college starts. nomnomnom. Then I can bring some pie to class! NOMNOMNOM.

Okay, I’m going back to stalking trolling tumbling now.

I HAVE SO MUCH OF A LIFE, LIKE OH MY GOD, I KNOW RIGHT?

Yeah, okay, tata!

Hello 2011, I think we’ll get along just fine.

So, I didn’t exactly kick off 2011 in glamorous fashion but something is telling me it’s going to be a great year.

Tomorrow (or should I say today??) is going to be a great day. AND YOU KNOW WHYYYY? Because I’m seeing my girls at college :))))) I haven’t seen them in almost a month. Okay, 3 weeks if you’re fickle about it, but yeah; 3 WEEKS IS A REALLY LONG TIME!

Anyway, I can’t wait to see them. Really. It’s probably the highlight of my past two weeks or something. Honest. That, and also I’m super hyper now, so maybe everything else that happened before this just isn’t processing, you know.

I want to talk about my New Year’s resolution, but this is kinda ish ish ishhhh part of the little something I prepared for my girls. After I give them their “gifts”, I promiseeee to blog about it. Because I’m really excited about it. AND YOU KNOW WHYYYY? Because this resolution of mine involves me spending more time with my best friend in the whole wide world, Joyee :)))) Oh my God; my heart is really just overflowing with love today now isn’t it. Slut with a big heart, hmm Ratata?

Heh, I’m misty-eyed :) Ok, I’ve been semi-misty-eyed since I started writing this post actually. I love these people very much, despite the little things that sometimes ruffle our feathers.

Ah, my photobook files have just been successfully copied to the CD. That’s my cue to hit the hay. I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow! (And I rarely say that if it requires me getting up before noon, so you know this means something) :D

Night!