September is coming to an end.

I don’t want to go into October feeling like crap. So please let this be an un-emo post. redundant, profound, clumsy, whatever as long as it’s not EMO.

I need to be fix myself. I wonder sometimes (well, most of the time) if the people I confide in really do understand the things I go through. Like, a few days back, one of my close buddies mentioned that I don’t tell him things anymore. I thought that was complete bollocks at first; I mean, me and him talk on an almost daily basis. But he pointed out that while we still converse regularly, I keep certain things fairly hidden.

Recently, I’ve been reflecting quite a bit on what he said and I guess he’s right in a way. I might talk an awful lot and seem like an open book, but if I’m being quite honest with myself, I never let on to certain problems. And these are the real problems that I face every day which I’m either too proud or too timid to reveal. I know I need help, but how do I just come out and tell that to people? Like even now, I’m just beating around the bush. It’s scary, the idea of actually confessing to these things.

There are days when I feel I’m delaying the inevitable. I can already see how things are going to turn up and I want to somehow soften the blow for the people around me. I’m thinking, the less they know, the better. But at the same time, I know that playing this game will end up as a huge shock. Or maybe not. I think some people around me can probably sense my negativity already.

It’s sucky because there’s a part of me that believes I am beyond help and then there’s this other part that’s waiting for me to be saved. It’s a huge contradiction and it’s not helping my brains at all.

I love how I feign being an open book to make it seem like I have nothing to hide when there are actually decaying skeletons in my closet.

…

Great, yet another helpless emo post.

[ Emotions – 1, Belinda – 0 ]

Me, Me, Me.

See, I’m not doing this for you okay. I’m doing it for me, because if I don’t, I’m going to lose my fucking mind. I cannot afford to just drop the ball every time you are around. Do you understand? This insanity has to stop. I cannot go on like this. It’s unhealthy and that’s to say the least. Let’s just choose to forget that this thing we have is toxic.

Yes, I am tired of picking up the slack. I am tired of chasing you. I am tired of waiting for you to reciprocate. I am done.

And I know it’s not your fault and you never consented to this. Yes, you never gave me permission to do all that I’ve done for you and you never asked for this. But I’m telling you that I couldn’t help it. You were just there and I was drawn to you because of all you are. And yes, I am to blame for the mess I’ve made, I get it.

I’m sorry for making you feel victimised here. I just, I need to get you out of my system. Because if I don’t, I’ll never move on. I’m going to stop all this. For me and for you. But I love you okay. ARGH WHY IS THIS SO PAINFUL.

I promise you, that time away will do us good. You will fade into the background. And this is just what I need. Just time to think.

I am done.

Not everything happens for a reason.

Sometimes, I have to force myself to pretend that things are okay when actually they’re not. I put on a brave face, fake a smile and pretend to be happy with what we have/don’t have when deep down it’s eating me up inside. If you’d paid a bit more attention, maybe you’d have realised by now that this is wrecking me from within. I just don’t know how to face you anymore. You try to make things easy but all you do is give me false hope. I’m tired of going back and forth and back and forth with you. Every time we speak my emotions just go crazy and by the end of it, I don’t know what to feel for you. If pining for you is wrong, if ignoring you feels unfair, if hoping for you is naive, then there is really nothing at all that I can do. I’ve tried my best to just be your friend but it’s not working. I mean, seriously, something’s gotta give. I cannot continue to be cajoled like this. We need to come to a conclusion. We either work things out or, you leave me be for awhile until I am finally rid of all these conflicting feelings i have for you. You disgust and amaze me at the same time and it doesn’t make any fucking sense. I have no valid reason to be so taken by you and that’s what annoys me the most. I just don’t know why I want you so much.

 

*tag: fictional imaginary circumstance rant.

Don’t be shy. or snide.

Okay. You know you’ve got self-esteem issues when someone you trust dearly tells you you’re beautiful and the first thing that comes to your mind is “Damnit, bitch; stop the sarcasm.”

Yeah, as ugly as that sounds, it’s rather true. I’m guilty of reacting that way. It’s not like I’m friggin’ Doutzen Kroes, but I’m no Wicked Witch of the West either and I know this already. Yet, whenever I am praised for my looks, immediately I deduce that the comment was laced with sarcasm, though deep down I know it’s just me exaggerating and being all insecure. It’s as if I’ve somewhat convinced myself that I am less than mediocre and anyone who says otherwise means to put me down or intended the “compliment” as a snide remark.

Vanity is so tiring. You try and you try to look your best, but then when it all boils down to it, you can never be happy with the way you are.

I wish I wasn’t so insecure and I wish my confidence wasn’t so down in the dumps. I mean, I should stop fretting so much and stop over-analysing comments about my appearance because really, this is NOT healthy.

A Sudden Moment of Epiphany.

Maybe the reason I’m trying so hard to win you over is because it’s in my nature. Someone very clever once told me,

“I know sometimes you feel like you want to give up, but you cannot. You must continue fighting.”

Disregard the fact that this advice was given to me during rehearsals and was actually meant for my scene work, please&thankyou.

I guess if it’s worth it, it isn’t going to come easy :)
Wait for me, love!

Recoil and Retreat.

Why am I still not over you? It’s been quite awhile since I decided I would stop hoping and get on with my life. By right, all this pining and getting emo/fluffy over things you’ve said should have stopped about a month back.

Since I don’t see any solution at this point, I’m putting all this down to being mind over matter ‘cause really, forgetting you should not be this difficult. Let’s lay out the facts, shall we:

1. I’ve gotten over some ex-boyfriends sooner than this.
2. I’ve not even known you long enough to expect anything.
3. You’re nothing but a crush ‘cause we were never even together.
4. You’re not especially good-looking and in many ways, you would invite a lot of drama into my already complicated life.

Cold, hard facts proving that waiting for him makes no sense, whatsoever. It’s been a nice ride, but now it’s time to get back to fucking reality. So please dear heart, please understand that you have absolutely no reason or excuse to be wanting him this much still.

Logic, will you never triumph? It’s a war of head versus heart, and right now, heart is winning four to none.

28 days later and I still don’t know why I fight for you this way.

Currently on repeat: Oh My Stars – Andrew Belle

I wish for these to be the last words I write for you. I cannot go on like this. This heart is not strong enough.

I'm already losing grip and I don’t know how long I can control these tears that threaten to flow. To break me now, your smile is all it takes.

I thought I was prepared. I thought I could forget. I thought this was a passing fancy but now I can’t look at anyone else but you.

Oh fuck. I’ve started crying.

The things I’ve been doing for you have done me more bad than good and yet I don’t regret them at all. Though it may not be true, I like to think that they’ve perhaps brought us closer.

I feel like I’m going insane sometimes. Why do I cry and cry for what is soon becoming a lost cause? I mean, I missed my chance. And I won’t get it back.

And you don’t even see me.

And you couldn’t be less bothered about this.

And you tell me about things you like and I’m not one of ‘em.

But I just wish you would read this and understand in this wonderful moment of wild recognition that you mean so fucking much to me.

I want to take care of you and be the one who knows you best and not be afraid of holding your hand in front of everyone else.

I bet my bank account that this will not be the last words I write for you. In fact, my next post is probably still going to be about you.

Now, I just need to wait for these flashbacks to stop. Too many things remind me of you.

It’s going to be a very long night :(

This is not easy for me.

I just read something that made my heart sink. I stumbled across letters from a girl for a boy. Now, he has already moved on but, it seems at first glance, that she is either reluctant to do so or, quite plainly put, can’t.

What really said something to me was that these letters of hers were not of anger or sorrow but of love. It was not the whiny teen boppy kind of “WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME” letter. Though they are no longer together, I think she doesn’t see that as a reason to stop loving him. She isn’t in denial; she mentions that things are over and done with. I guess to her it doesn’t matter if her feelings are reciprocated.

I’m wondering if I could ever love that much. To be hurt and rejected so, and yet continue to love as if he had never broken my heart. Specifically, I’m wondering if I could, ever in this lifetime, love you as much.

Eeeee-mo.

Look, I know you’re scared. To be honest, I’m fucking terrified okay. I shouldn’t be but I am. I’m imagining the worst of things and I really don’t know what I’d do if my fears were confirmed. I mean, I’m so afraid that one day, this perfect little world I’ve created will just disappear and then I’ll be left with nothing more than a bad rep and some very cold shoulders. What the fuck do I do then?

I’m hoping for the best and I really am trying my best to stay calm and be strong. We can’t just give in because the circumstances give us hell. The fact is that keeping up this act of composure is slowly but surely eating away at my peace of mind. I find myself often drained at the end of the day and it’s not just fatigue. It’s this weird kind of hollow feeling which then morphs into this feeling of hopelessness and confusion, as is being displayed here.

I want to do so much, but at the same time, I know it’s just not possible in my current position. What I want to accomplish is something so simple and yet its still out fo my reach. And that is what sucks the most because all I’m trying to do is make you happy.

 

*Tag : Fictional.

This is for Alex Lee Kah Fai.

Why the fuck did you not tell me you were off to Canada for God knows how fucking long? Seriously dude. Not cool.

Don’t get shot or anything. I mean Canada isn’t America, but you never know. You need to come back able-bodied and in one piece so I can give you a tight slap without feeling bad about it.

OMG SERIOUSLY WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME? I’M SO HURT. Not kidding.

Urgh. I’m mad. And I’m not going to talk to you for the rest of this month.

ARRRRRRRRGGGHHH!

 

 

 

I’m going to miss your stupid face :( I didn’t even get to say goodbye.

OH, COOL!

That last post was at 3.33am!

Yes, just like acronyms sharing the same amount of alphabets, this amuses me.

omg,

Why am I so weird? :s

Oh well. Nothing I can do about it now.

Goodnight world.

Cats meow, dogs bark, pigs squeal. And what about rabbits? No, they definitely don’t purr.

All is well. Actually, all is good (today at least). Just found out that classes only resume next Monday. That’s perfect ‘cause now I don’t have to juggle between my current production and college. Awesome the fucking possum.

“The ex” has resumed torturing me. I can never sleep well after his constant phone calls. Seriously, it’s fucking unhealthy and I just wish he would go the fuck away. Why is it so hard for him to understand that I don’t want to have anything to do with him anymore? Anyways, I was venting and my friend gave me an example of a perfectly diplomatic way of getting him to stop… ish.

This is my modified version of the text:

Please, ex-boyfriend who shall not be named on my public blog, I really do not feel for you and I moved on a long time ago. I do hope you can respect that. If you say you love me, you'd do this for me. And please, these phone calls need to stop. Really. I’m sorry to say this, but I just really can’t pretend to be your friend again. I wish you all the best.

Of course, I haven’t actually said all of this to him yet. The calls have stopped for now and I'm praying it’s for good. But if he calls again, that is all I will say to him. And if this fails,

I shall lie and tell him that my current boyfriend is not pleased.

I’ve already lied to him once by stating that I’m involved with someone. Maybe I should just force feed him the lie that I’m not available at all and that my ‘boyfriend’ is a macho son of a gun? Arggggh. Whatever. I’m just trying to leave the past where it is; I do not need him digging it up all.over.again.

THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS, BELINDA. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!

After all, progress is being made in other areas of your life and today has been good. Don’t dwell on this stupid boy when there are so many other things to celebrate!

…Ok. I think I’ve vented enough for now.

gosh, i do very much so love my blog.

The kids have got it right.

She loves sitting in the car on a rainy day. She loves to watch the rain pitter and patter down the windshield. She chooses a droplet and follows its track, down and to the left and to the right until it hits the bottom of the windshield. Sometimes, when it rains a little heavier, the droplet merges with another, and another one until it becomes a steady stream. She doesn’t like tracing those. She loves the solitary droplet, just making its way through a maze of other somewhat similar raindrops. I don’t know why she likes tracing single droplets and not streams. Maybe because she’s not unlike a solitary droplet. Always alone and always dodging what comes next.

On other days, when droplets don’t grab her attention, she just closes her eyes and listens to the faint sound of raindrops landing on the car. When she feels like it, she taps the dashboard in rhythm with the sound of the falling rain. She loves the rain but I can’t understand why. However, I love looking at her when she’s like this.

There’s no conflict. No thought, no hesitation to it. When it rains, she foregoes everything else. No masks, no walls, no hiding. She’s no more that girl who rushes from here to here, who closes off at the sign of trouble. There’s no more apprehension; she’s just a child innocently chasing raindrops.

Something interesting happened to me today.

I was on tumblr looking through the posts on my dashboard. Searching for things to reblog mostly. Things I reblog often mirror my own traits and likes and all that (individualism) jazz.

So anyway, as I was scrolling down, I saw this very nice photo of a girl covering her face with the hands. It looked like she was covering her face in shame that kinda thing. And since I’d been feeling rather in the dumps lately, the photo did reach out to me. I was about to click reblog when I saw the photo directly below it.

I decided to reblog this one instead. See, it’s curious isn’t it; if this photo had turned up a little lower down in the page, I would have probably reblogged the photo of the girl and then only have reblogged this one.

OK, maybe it isn’t that interesting.

It’s just that, this little thing made me decide to make today a good day. And to at least try to be positive. And to stop all this self-doubt and insecurity. And just stop the whole “i’m never going to be good enough” idea of life.

When I think about it, I am pretty fucking awesome actually. I’m sure some of you nay-sayers will disagree (duhhhh). But whatever it is, I’m going to try to take that step towards enjoying who i am. ‘Cause like I said, I’m pretty fucking awesome.

Only in some areas, of course :)

Perhaps…?

Loving you is the best thing that has ever happened to me even if we are not together.

Jeez, that sounds very beautiful + emo + corny + a lot of things. I’m adjusting to the idea that things will remain where they are now. I guess, I shouldn’t see this as taking second place. It’s just the cold hard fact that I’m suited better where I am now rather than at where I want to be.

Its not all bad. I mean, I’m free now to do what I want. Technically, I’m self-sufficient now. Or should be, in this particular area. And I can now look forward to more mingling and taking risks and what not.

What’s gonna happen a few months from now. Aha, that’s the real problem. As well as I am coping now, I might just crack when this is all completely yanked away from me. I’ve been finding for some comfort and it’s already been a struggle. How will I fare when I have to build everything again from scratch?

I want to believe in my own strength but I’m really not sure if that’s a good idea. My own strength is not enough. No, I’m not talking about or insinuating that I need help from a higher power. I just think I might need a lot of help to let all this just pass me by.

It’s times like this when I wish I could lean on someone else for support. Like, the kind of support that you usually feed me. But if you’re the bloody problem, you obviously can’t be the person I go to for help. SO WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE ME NOW?

What I really need is for you to tell me that everything is gonna be okay.

If you only knew how hard writing this post has been, feigning this act of being held together. I am so messed up over this. And you continue to make my masquerade look even more and more like a fucking joke.

If there’s one thing that’s playing on my mind now, it’s this.

I am so ridiculously lucky to be your friend.

It’s just only hitting me now. Yesterday, a good friend who was going through some tough shit told me, “Damn, I wish I had a friend like yours”. And now when I think about it, probably not many people can say they’ve got someone as “present” as you in their support system. I am seriously one lucky bitch.

I know I can be a pain to actually please some times. Gimme an inch and you’ll be damned sure that I’ll try to take a mile. Maybe it’s the Chinese in me resurfacing.

Oh and by the way.

Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

Was laughing sooooooo ridiculously hard when I read it. Then my brain really just failed when it attempted to comprehend the depth of those words. My mind blown out of proportions. whatthefuckwasthedudetryingtosay?!

I enjoyed the company I had yesterday at Kanna’s Curry House. Must have more adventures with them :)

My brain doesn’t work.

I just need to blog for the sake of it. and i feel kinda bad that I’ve started to occupy my time gaming rather than blogging. I just think there isnt enough time to go around.

why doesn’t life have a reset button? so many times, i wish it did. I’ve ended up sorely disappointed though.

My CG Final Assignment is a dud. I am rather screwed to be very honest. WHY DO I PROCRASTINATE?

BECAUSE I’M BELINDA HON, QUEEN OF RETARDNESS.

This blogpost is a load of bullshit. I mean, bel-shit.

When do you want to drown in Sentul Park’s pond/lake thingy but at the same time feel all warm and fuzzy?

Had an uber emo bout yesterday. Thank God, Nick and Caps were there or I would have definitely drowned myself.

A lot of things just hit me last night, about the people I’ve dated, things I’ve done and choices I’ve made. They have always been safe. It seems like I haven’t yet ever taken a big risk.

Good example is my current crush- ish. Well, not crush anymore technically ‘cause I am striving to eliminate the romantics from that friendship. BUT ANYWAY. My current crush-ish is a big leap. A very big leap for me, and at first I was afraid but then i decided I would pursue him. And yet, a few months down the road of girly giggles and whispered hints, I still have not had the guts to make a move. Playing it safe all the time. Whenever there’s a hint of him not feeling the same way, I pull back and allow myself to be disheartened by it.

WHY THE FUCK DO I DO THAT?

I know some psychologist or counselor could find an excuse for me along the lines of its-not-your-fault-and-you-can blame your family history and emotional instability or something. But I honestly think there isn’t an answer. Not one that will satisfy me, the laws of physics and everyone else that is.

***************************************************************

On a happier note, there is a display in the KLPac lobby in conjunction with T4YP’s Twelfth Night. The display is made up of a small, leaf-less tree with empty cards hanging from it’s branches. Basically people are supposed to write love letters to their loved ones on the cards and leave them there (hopefully so that certain special someone will read it).

Last night, I found that there was a card on the tree addressed to me, or at least I think me. It started of with Dear Belinda. I’m the only Belinda who hangs around KLPac, but the problem here is that the display is open to everyone so for all I know, that card might’ve been meant for someone. I’d like to think it is for me though.

Anyway, I didn’t know what to reply. On the back of the card, I thanked him (or her?) for making my day. I wanted to be all diplomatic about it because I was afraid of what random passers by would think if they read it. Now, that I’m on my personal blog, here’s really what I wanted to reply. All in my head.

Dear whoever you are,

First of all, I’m sorry but I really don’t know who you are. I couldn’t tell if you signed off as J or L. Your writing is as scrawly as mine, and it is rather comforting to be very honest because my handwriting sucks too!

Thank you for saying all those sweet things about me; you really have made my day. But I’ve got to say that by writing this little love letter to me, you’ve started me on a wild goose chase. I’m so curious. The way you wrote your letter implies that perhaps you spend a fair amount of time with me. But because I don’t even know whether your name starts with a J or an L or perhaps some other alphabet, I’m stumped.

And I wish, really, really wish, that I knew who you are. Not because I want to jump into anything. Its just that, you’ve said such wonderful things about me and I’m wondering who could ever have seen that in me, you know? Ok, obviously I’m not that articulate but I hope you know what I mean.

Right now, I am hoping you will post up a reply to the lobby display again. I’m just hoping, perhaps it would be like in the movies you know; love letters, then chatting online, then smsing and then the romantic unveiling of the secret admirer kinda thing? HAH! And I tend to say I don’t have my head in the clouds. Anyway, dear you, I hope that you will some day show yourself. I love you too, whoever you may be.

Love, Belinda.

Yeah. Now if only I had dared to paste that up on the lobby display :(

*CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW EMBARASSING THIS POST WILL BE IF I FIND OUT THAT THE LOVE LETTER WAS MEANT FOR A DIFFERENT BELINDA? HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Remain.

I’ve always liked this photo. No clue why though.