I don’t want to go into October feeling like crap. So please let this be an un-emo post. redundant, profound, clumsy, whatever as long as it’s not EMO.
I need to be fix myself. I wonder sometimes (well, most of the time) if the people I confide in really do understand the things I go through. Like, a few days back, one of my close buddies mentioned that I don’t tell him things anymore. I thought that was complete bollocks at first; I mean, me and him talk on an almost daily basis. But he pointed out that while we still converse regularly, I keep certain things fairly hidden.
Recently, I’ve been reflecting quite a bit on what he said and I guess he’s right in a way. I might talk an awful lot and seem like an open book, but if I’m being quite honest with myself, I never let on to certain problems. And these are the real problems that I face every day which I’m either too proud or too timid to reveal. I know I need help, but how do I just come out and tell that to people? Like even now, I’m just beating around the bush. It’s scary, the idea of actually confessing to these things.
There are days when I feel I’m delaying the inevitable. I can already see how things are going to turn up and I want to somehow soften the blow for the people around me. I’m thinking, the less they know, the better. But at the same time, I know that playing this game will end up as a huge shock. Or maybe not. I think some people around me can probably sense my negativity already.
It’s sucky because there’s a part of me that believes I am beyond help and then there’s this other part that’s waiting for me to be saved. It’s a huge contradiction and it’s not helping my brains at all.
I love how I feign being an open book to make it seem like I have nothing to hide when there are actually decaying skeletons in my closet.
…
Great, yet another helpless emo post.
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