Urm. Yeah. Maybe this is going some place. And that’s very scary.

See, though I’ve openly admitted that I’m over my most recent heartache kinda thing, I’ve been somewhat doubtful. As in, I never thought I’d be able to move on just yet. However, it seems that maybe I have?

Maybe it means I’ve fully accepted the fact that there isn’t any hope for the old flame. And this is great news, because I want to be free of that feeling. The feeling that I had to try so hard to make things progress to that next stage. So, bottomline, this is good.

Now, this new thing is just scaring me a little. I don’t want to rush into anything, yet at the same time, it feels very good to have someone who makes it quite known that there is at least a “like” factor between us. That’s really comforting, because it seems like it’s been awhile since that happened. Or maybe not, but for the past year, my brain was so preoccupied on that one person, that the others didn’t really matter so much. Maybe I brushed ‘em off. And maybe now I’m actually beginning to notice my other options.

Euw. I hate that I used “options” to describe people around me. I don’t mean it that way. I guess, I’m just realising that there are other people out there and just because I was let down this year, it doesn’t mean I’ll be forever alone.

This new thing is really scary for me. That probably explains why I try to not expect anything of you. I do, sometimes, but that’s because I’m a girl and it’s what girls do. As scared as I am, I need you to know it’s not really because of anything you’ve done. Like I mentioned earlier, you being here is comforting. I just don’t know if it’s time for me yet.

Let’s just wait and see?

2010 highs.

This year has been a great year for me. Really. There’s nothing I can immediately think of that I regret doing. So now, I’m going to list down 10 awesome things that have happened to me this year X)

1. I participated in my first ever musical, Bernarda Alba, and met some amazing people there.
2. I got my SPM results which were not too bad AND I got an A- for Additional Math (which I usually flunk!)
3. I got a full scholarship to study Mass Comm at IACT.
4. I met my girls Kate, Rathika and Fatima. And that’s the first time I’ve actually been really close to a group of girls. And I love them :))
5. I kinda know who cares about me and which people I can count on in theater now. It’s good that I don’t really feel like an outsider anymore…well, maybe slightly, but I’m happy with this maybe in, maybe out kind of position.
6. I GOT TO PERFORM IN FRIGGIN’ SINGAPORE! Honestly, I think that’s one of the highlights of this year. My God, Singapore was just so important and life-changing for me. I was there to work, but the discoveries I made within myself while there really gave me this peace. Everything about it was a vote of confidence. Oh my God, I could talk about my experience there on and on.
7. I did Shake-your-own-speare which was an improv thing, and it was just, wow. I’m glad I worked with Jit, Ivan and Sharon.
8. Mukabuku got restaged at the Actor’s Studio! We performed to audiences that paid RM350 for us okaaaaay! Such an awesome feeling.
9. Even though many of my highs were from theater, this short two month self-imposed hiatus has actually been really good to me. Sure, I whine and wish I had lines to memorise and rehearsals to go to, but this break has given so much more time for everything else. I’m meeting up with people I have seen in AGES and spending more “me” time.
10. I’ve started believing in myself more than I ever have before.

YEAAAAAAAAAAH. The last one is just cheating, but it’s true; I have grown a lot this year. Oh, a good year with no regrets. I couldn’t ask for more :)

BREAAAK.

I’m on college break till Jan 10th. I’m going to use this time to watch the Dexter series and read and chill and meet up with people I haven’t seen in ages. I don’t have the time or patience or mood to blog. I mean, hello, I don’t get college breaks often so I might as well use these few weeks to their fullest potential.

Laaaaaaaaaaah. Ok. I’m gonna start on Season 2 now. WHEEEEEE.

It’s a happy, happy holiday :)

December isn’t gonna cut me any slack whatsoever.

The reaction I got when I told my younger brother to hand over the gaming controls because I was grumpy, stressed and needed to chill the fuck out before my PR exam tomorrow..

 

I wish my PR exam was the day after tomorrow. My brain is still flushing out all my Sociology notes and it just won’t let me get started on work. Today is just one of those day’s where you feel so sloth in a very bad way. I wish I could push myself into studying now, but it’s just not possible. I WANNA CURL UP IN BED AND SLEEP.

My exam is at 9am tomorrow. So, I’m hoping my mood picks up by then. I’ve got to at least study 5 chapters. omg, i really do feel so bloody useless and limp.

Gah. I want this week to be done and over with. FML.

Sociology makes my life so difficult.

Sociology: Taboo (n) is a prohibition resulting from social or other conventions.

Me: Taboo is a game I play with my cousins when we’re bored of Monopoly.

SEE THE DIFFERENCE?

I’m sorry, but Sociology, you and I were never meant to be!

I hate that there are SO many definitions to memorise. I’m bad at getting things right, word for word. Can I just focus on the reasoning bits in the exam tomorrow? Memorization is so frustrating. I’m going to exploit my knack for words and try my best to convince the examiners that I know what I’m talking about… even if I do get all the definitions wrong. Blah.

I should be fine… right? Besides, it’s ONLY a fifty percent exam. I CAN DO THIS!

Okay. I should stop talking about succeeding and actually do something to get me to where I need to be. I’m going back to go back to reading up on Culture and the many theoretical analyses surrounding it. Oh God, I can’t wait for this sem to be done and over with. I swear, if I have to read up on theoretical analyses for my other course subjects next sem, I eez going to bust a cap in heeeere.

And with that, I leave you.

Oh and here’s a dinosaur to keep watch on my blog while I’m away.

TATAAAAAAAAA.

I’m a panicking panda ‘cause I don’t know any kung-fu.

Yeah, I decided I wasn’t ready to go to sleep because my mind was still swimming with stuff to say.

I know I’m gonna do okay for Malaysian Studies tomorrow, but as always, I feel a slight tinge of uncertainty. But I’m not panicking, don’t let the title fool you. And I’m not a panda either in case you were wondering (though my eye bags make the panda part pretty convincing!) I’m just feeling very ‘meh’ right now and let me tell ya, it is not a good feeling to go to bed with.

But I digress:

Malaysian Studies, as much as I detest the way you’re taught, it now seems that you might be the only subject that I can ace this semester. So please be nice to me okay? ‘Cause I really need to up my GPA this time. kthxbai.

Here’s to hoping I’ll keep my cool tomorrow and not run out of the exam hall halfway through screaming bloody murder.

Yes, and I think my brain is emptied for now, so that will do.

G’night.

The last thing I queued on my Tumblr. Yes, I must share it before I doze off.

I’m trying my best to change all this.

Sun, Sand and Salvation.

Yes, that’s a list of things I am not getting at the moment.

ANYWAY, because of the emotional madness of the past few days, my short holiday before class on Wednesday and exams on Thursday has been an epic fail. I had initially planned to just relax with a good book and get started on some revision. Instead, I spent most of the day cursing at Tumblr and frying my brains on Divinity 2.

If Tumblr doesn’t let me in within the next hour, I’m going to file a complaint. I haven’t been allowed in the whole day and someone’s gonna get hit with my shoe if I have to see that “We’ll be back soon” screen one more time.

I want that proper holiday so bloody bad. One away from ze internet and life sucking computer games. I wanna destress. After my exams which will end next week, I’ll be FOH-ing for “Octopus” at KLPac. I’m hoping there’ll be nothing out of the ordinary during my brief stint there ‘cause I just don’t think I could handle it.

I also need to get started on my photobook. I need about 40 photos to be submitted by the 3rd of January. And then on the 10th, I start my third semester. ISN’T THAT JUST PERFECT?

Yeah. Okay. I’m going to continue sorting out my Sociology journal now. Bugger, I can’t be bothered anymore.

How things did in fact become worse than I thought they ever possibly could.

I stayed over at Ratata’s house from Friday till today. Just got back about 3 hours ago or less. Celebrated the whole weekend. So I should be feeling great, but to be very fucking honest, I feel like a tone of bricks decided to rest themselves on my shoulders.

First of all, I still don’t know how to deal with this mom thing. I haven’t replied but I’m still debating with myself. It’s just been bothering me to no end. Through out the weekend, I found myself filling what little free time I had thinking about her, wondering if wherever she was, she was waiting for a reply. Or if she didn’t expect one and has gone on living her life as usual. I don’t know which is worse; the idea that I might keep her waiting for a reply that might never come or that she’s not even waiting for a reply.

And as if this little blast from the past isn’t enough to keep me mentally tortured, it was decided somehow that my history would creep up again. The boy who probably wrecked me the most (and who up till only recently stopped harassing me) turns out to be related to a friend of mine. Seriously, if this isn’t a reason to say FML, then I don’t know what is. I had thought I’d left that part of my past behind. Apparently, I’m to be reminded perpetually of the heartache I went through fighting for that boy.

Why can’t history just stay in its proper place?

Now, my head is just swimming with a million and one things. Memories which I have long tried to bury are resurfacing and I just don’t know how to deal with them. I want to just get away from all of it.

And right now I am disgusted. repulsed. sick. furious. vulnerable. hurt. paranoid. broken. lost. Hoping to forget. I just want to forget.

This is very personal and I pray that no one says “I’m sorry that happened to you”.

After tossing around in bed and mentally debating with myself whether falling back asleep was a good idea, I decided to get online. For once, my internet wasn’t fucking up on me. I log into to Facebook and I see 7 notifications, 2 friends requests and 2 messages. As is my ritual, I click on the notifications first and go through each of them, commenting on a photo here, writing on a wall there. Basic procedure. And then I check my friend requests and I realise it’s two people I don’t think I’ve ever met in my life, so I just leave ‘em be.

Lastly, I click on the messages tab. There’s one message from Twilight Action Girl about something which I didn’t bother reading. And the second message was from my Uncle Suresh. See, I don’t have my uncle on my facebook. So I was curious and clicked on his message.

The first two words of this message fucked me up real bad.

“hello princess.”

My mom, whom I haven’t talked to since around three years ago, used to call me that. Of course, when I read this I was a bit confused. I wondered if it was my mom at first, but then I was like “naaaaah, it can’t be.” After all, the message came from my Uncle Suresh.

I read on and it says “m hoping its u n u can respond as m using my brothers facebook.its his bright idea,going undercover!”

Then it hits me that this really is the woman who disappeared from my home and now she’s getting in touch with me through facebook. I really don’t know how to feel about this. A part of me wants to reply but I just don’t know what to say. It’s comforting but awkward to imagine your mum at some computer somewhere logging on to Facebook to keep up to date with you.

I mean, this is your mum you’re talking about. Not an aunt or a far cousin but the lady who gave birth to you. After three years of not knowing where you were (or if you were even alive!) what do you expect me to say?

I’ve reread this message I think close to ten times now and every time I do, I just feel really heavy inside, if that makes any sense. It’s like there’s this internal war going on, debating what to do next.

I finally decide I need to stop rereading this message and just as I’m about to close the tab, I realise that the title/subject of the message was just plainly, “Sue”. That’s the short form of her name.

Saying the word ‘Mom’ or saying her name, both don’t sound right coming out from my mouth.

The list of things to do.

My ten page essay for Malaysian Studies is as of now not even drafted. This is to be passed up on the 30th of November. That gives me less than 48hours. Screwed.

Also, my presentation for PR is yet to be completed. I’m 17 completed slides in and I need maybe another twenty to ensure our presentation is over 30minutes. And I was looking over the assignment brief awhile ago and there’s this report thing that we’ve yet to prepare. It’s supposed to be a case study kind of binded report and It carries 15% of my grade.

Well, if I stay positive, I just need to slave my way through to Thursday and then I’ll have the next few days off. Ratata’s birthday celebration will be from friday to saturday and I might only come home on Sunday, so yeah! It will be all worth it. The weekend will be a blast :)

Either way though, this week is going to kill me all sorts of ways.

Come as you are.

I’ve been super exhausted. My mind hasn’t been working the way it should. So much to be done and yet it feels like none of it is of any importance whatsoever.

So. I’ve got a 9.30am class tomorrow and it’s a friggin’ Saturday. None of us are going to be in a good mood tomorrow, not one. And since he’s sent warning letters to almost EVERYONE in my class, we kinda can’t skip, can we? Bah, he plays his plot out well.

There’s this family dinner thing that I have tomorrow as well. Don’t know whether I should pack up nicely or wing it and just go in my college clothes. Maybe I’ll pack a spare tee or blouse or something.

To be very honest, I don’t know what else to say. I’m really running out of words. I’m so tired. I wish I was on holiday already. Somewhere far, far away from PJ and KL. Just anywhere, you know. Somewhere where nobody knew me and I could just stop. As in, stop everything. I could just be and not worry about being.

Is this making any sense to you? Just fucking listen okay.

Keeping up appearances and semblances of sanity is really tough work and quite frankly, I’m bored of it all. Everything seems to be super fast paced, but I’m not getting anywhere. I’m so tired of it and just plain tired lah okay.

…

I think I’m ready for some chaos now, just not this kind.

I’m out.

GAH. That’s the sound I make when I’m frustrated. Gah!

It’s just really hard to let go. I feel like I’ve come so far and the progress I’ve made has been more than what even I expected to achieve so it seems stupid to throw this all away now. Okay, I won’t really be “throwing” anything completely away; you’re my friend after all. I just gotta get rid of this little expectancy at the back of my head. I just keep wishing and expecting you to change your mind and… I don’t know. I mean, just give me a chance?

It’s really hard. And it’s surprising because, we’ve not been anything more than just really good friends, you know? But this is really just draining me of all my energy now. I don’t have any left.

There’s not really much else to say. Well, nothing I can word properly at this point. There’s a lot of stuff going through my head but honestly, saying it out here would be a bit too public. And maybe talking further about this is just gonna get me completely messed up because it’s really hard to come to terms with me actually forgetting the possibility of being with you. I’ve always said you were worth fighting for, but you’re making it quite clear that my affection is in vain, so why continue trying? I don’t know where I’m gonna go from here. I guess I’ll just drill myself into my studies and keep my guard up.

I mean, shit, do you know how long it took me to let you know me this well? Before you, it’d been eighteen months since I’d opened up to anyone like that. Eighteen! And then I started with you after so much hesitancy and yet again I fell into that trap I know so well. Granted that being a good friend isn’t a bad thing, it’s not really what I was hoping for. I mean, why do I always get stuck in that category? Just why? I’ve given so much and I thought this time with you… we had chemistry.

Matters of the heart are always so draining. I’ve given up. I mean, why open myself up like that again? You’ve taught me a lesson, I guess. It’s best to keep yourself safe. I’m not going make myself vulnerable to this kind of ache anytime soon. I’ll keep my guard up just as I did for those eighteen months, that’s what I’ll do. I can’t imagine going through another dilemma like this. Maybe it’s best to keep yourself closed off at all times. Maybe when you stop letting people in, you’ll stop getting hurt.

I think I really may need some time away from you. Just till I set my shit straight because I really don’t wanna cry over you. Crying over you just seems stupid. ‘Cause I know damned sure that it’s not gonna help me let go at all.

Crying really seems stupid but I haven’t been able to stop :(

Happy Birthday, Nicholas Hon You Onn.

Yeah, you’ll probably never read this but whatever; it’s the thought that counts.

About thirty minutes ago I went downstairs to get some water only to find you raiding the kitchen for snacks. We talked quite a bit and I miss that; we haven’t done that in awhile. You’ve been busy working and keeping with people and I’ve been busy studying and keeping up with people, too. It’s kinda weird how up till last year, we still talked on a daily basis and this year it’s like… poof.

Anyway, happy birthday! I hope you get yourself a nice Playstation 3 or Xbox or something. That’s be the shizz! Or I hope dad gets it for you or something lah.

I love you big bro! :D

The sex she slipped into my coffee.

Yeah, that’s from Maroon 5’s song The Sun off their first album. I don’t drink coffee, but if I did… well, then this would explain it all. HAHA yeah, no.

I have been really irritable this past one week plus. I don’t know if anyone has noticed. I mean, I don’t blow up in people’s faces like “WHUT YOU WANT, BITCH?!”. I just realise that I’ve been so very easily ticked off by even little spats. Example: When someone asked me a question twice today, I answered in a really rude tone. And when I get nagged at, I turn around and find myself muttering “omg shut the fuck up lah”.

And I KNOW all of this is uncalled for on my part. But I don’t know, maybe it’s PMS? Wouldn’t know yet now would I D:

I wanna stop being grouchy and grumpy. Either it’s the PMS or people have been behaving really stupidly recently. Heh. Both seem like very likely situations.

Okay. Before I rant some more and work myself up to be even grouchier and grumpier, I had better get some sleep.

GAH; WHY I IS SO RESTLESSLY ANNOYED?

People and Places.

Wah, seriously man, a good day filled to the brim with good company. Went around KLCC, Pavillion and Sungei Wang today searching for inspiration for my photojournalism exercise. Was there with Ashraf, Kate and Badler. SHOUT OUT TO BAD: Hope you had a rather awesome birthday :)

Was out of the house by 12pm, walked about KLCC park with Ashraf. As we were walking towards the park, I saw the Soh sisters! Haven’t seen them in aaaaaaaaages so I called them up and said we’d meet up later after their movie for dinner or something. Then Ashraf and I met up with Bad and Kate and left for Pavillion. I took photos of how Sticky candy was made. Don’t know if I’ll be using them for the assignment though. I’m pretty ballsy prepping the photos so last minute. But meh, I have a stash of usable photos if anything.

Then, we walked IN THE RAIN towards Sg Wang. Pit stop at uniqlo to just kepo around when I bumped into my bro there. Didn’t buy anything. When we were ready to continue towards Sg Wang, the rain was even heavier! We dashed and arrived at the Lot 10 Isetan Food market completely soaked. Thank God i had my cap on so my hair look less of a mess :P

Walked through Lot 10 and finally got to Sg Wang. Went looking for t-shirts ‘cause we were so drenched. I bought a nice dark blue tee with bicycles on it. I likes. Then, we walked around a bit and took photos in this tattoo parlour. Didn’t get enough impressive shots though. And there weren’t many other tattoo parlours that had people actually getting their ink done, so that sucked.

We went to KFC for a late lunch at around 3pm ‘cause Kate and I were starving. Ate, talked and stoned and zoned out a bit ‘cause we were sooooo tired from all the walking and running. Lepaked till around 5pm, when Soh Yi Lin and Yi Wan turned up! :D Sit and talked till around 6pm, then the rest left and it was only the Sohs and I. Walked over to Times Square and caught up. Went to Gasoline for a drink and I bitched about all those old schoolmates of mine who were (and probably still are) utterly ignorant people.

Had dinner at Papa John’s. And I realised it was my first time there ever. Boy I’ve been missing out; the pizzas there are yummmmmmmmmmmmmy! Sit and talked talked talked till we realised it was already nearing 10pm! I had told my dad I’d be back by 9! HEEHEE. Rushed to the monorail and the three of us sat the train back to Titiwangsa terminal.

I feel so happy now. I mean, it’s really been a fantastic day. Was so good just getting out of the house. And it was really good meeting up with the Sohs after so long. Never thought I’d have so much fun today.

I am very happy :D

A little itch.

“The cold wind was slapping hard against her cheek. She braced herself against him, using him as a shield against the wind and rain. What a storm. Pellets rained down all around them, creating a fortress of white. She panicked.”

I cannot do another presentation on the economy ever again. I had a minor anxiety attack during class break; it was just too much pressure. Maybe I did contribute to it, psyching myself out and all here and there subconsciously. After all, I did study and do sufficient research on the topic, so there was no reason for this presentation to intimidate me.

But I just really couldn’t handle the stress. It felt, to me, that everything I said was just floating above the heads of everyone in class, as if I were speaking a different language. I felt mocked by my own words. And thus came the notion that I was failing.

I don’t understand why I reacted so badly today. Even after the class break and after I gathered my bearings to plow through the second half of my presentation, I found myself still jumpy and easily disheartened. And the nerves were just killing me a million and one ways every single second. I tripped over words which I use on a regular basis. I started over-compensating by speaking in long-winded sentences and using animated gestures. Every single pause I took weighed a ton and my heart was beating so fast I could hear it thumping around franticly. Just as frantic as my hands were when they searched the textbook for references.

And whenever Miss Jo got up to cover bits of my presentation, I held my breath. Then I’d try my best to continue pretending I was in control of the situation. My mind was going berserk and my tummy started tying itself it knots. I hid all that behind my nervous laughter and the lack of eye contact helped a lot.

I really don’t know why I was so anxious today. I think it was because I only found out yesterday exactly how important my topics were for the syllabus. Maybe also because I knew there were certain expectations for me to rise to. I personally maybe set my standards a bit too high. Either that, or it was me just psyching myself out all the way.

But, really. Today, my mind and everything else was just utter chaos.

A very poignant list.

20 MEN I’D DO IN A HEARTBEAT.

In no particular order whatsoever:

• Joseph Gordon Levitt
• Brandon Boyd
• James McAvoy
• Viggo Mortensen (Yes, I would.)
• Alexander Skarsgard
• John Mayer
• Ashton Kutcher
• Tyson Ritter
• EMINEMMMM
• Jared Leto
• Michael C. Hall
• Brandon Flowers
• Jude Law
• Patrick Dempsey (MCDREAMY MY GAWD)
• James Franco
• Josh Hartnett
• Hugh Laurie
• RAIN
• Will Smith
• Ed Westwick (CHUCK BASS, BITCHESSS!)

Okay. Am in super fan girly mood now. LALALALA. Going to do some prep for tomorrow’s sociology presentation and it has nothing to do with hot men. *darnthatshit*

Insomnia or something sinister.

I just can’t go to sleep. Finally got all my slides for Tuesday done and ready but now I just can’t sleep. Too much buzzing in my head. And it’s such a humid night. And my heart just isn’t in it.

Anyway, I was on tumblr and I’m not super freaked out about the 4chan scare. I’ll be pretty damned sad if tumblr goes down, but meh; I’ve lost worse things than just a blog. Like my sanity and sense of judgment D:

It is hitting me that the gap reaaaaally is closing and pretty soon I guess I’ll have to move on. Not give up; I’ve said that I won’t. But I should prepare to put this on the backburner, just in case. I’m bracing myself for it because I’m thinking it shouldn’t be too long from now. If you’re happy just the way things are, I guess I shouldn’t push my luck. I cherish you too much as a friend to let my heart get in the way of this and screw things up.

I’ve been treading so carefully with you. I usually have this “Fuck All” attitude when it comes to relationships, like a let’s try things out and clear up the shit later. The thought I’ve put behind everything I’ve done thus far stuns me sometimes. I’ve changed a lot and it’s a good thing; I kind of like this reasonable Belinda.

And it’s just proving to me again and again that having you around has done wonders for me. Really. I wouldn’t be this person I am now if things happened differently and if I’d never met you. Like I’ve said so many times before, you make me want to be all I can be. I’m striving towards that for both of us because we feed off each other sometimes yes?

It’s funny because there are times when it feels like it’s just right, you know? Chemistry and all that mumbo jumbo? Maybe it’s just friendship. I guess it probably is just that. The good friend zone. I always find myself in this zone for some reason.

Maybe I’ve been reading in too much into all these signs. I guess, whatever it is, I’ll just have to roll with it and try to find a solution that is good for me and for you.

Great, now it’s gonna take me another half hour before I fall asleep. How do I go to bed when I’ve got thoughts like this? These thoughts I have of you usually keep me up anyway, but tonight it’s going to be worse than usual I’m guessing.

Ah, such dilemmas. I wish you were here, because you comfort me and boy do I need a hug right now.

Variables.

I put the “pro” in procrastination.

My photojournalism assignment is due this Friday and I have yet to settle on a theme. It’s has to be either poverty, lifestyle, crisis or public/private event. I think I’m screwed D:

I’ve recruited Ramin as my mentor/creative genius like person for the assignment. Made a date with him to go trigger happy on Wednesday. Don’t know what we’re gonna end up shooting but it’s got to fit into one of those themes up there. If shit hits the fan… we’ll head to Chow Kit or something and take photos of beggars and grime.

But to be honest, I hope it doesn’t happen. I’m actually quite chicken about bringing myself to Chow Kit. Last time when I was a kid and followed my parents around everywhere, we’d go to the wet market in Chow Kit almost weekly. I hated it. Being there made me feel like I was catching some contagious disease. I’d pass by all sorts of people (especially in the darker alleys further in) and they’d all give me this cock stare if I happened to cross eyes with them. It was this look that plainly said “Mind yourself.” Or at least that’s how I perceived it at the time.

So yeah, I really hope I don’t need to use Chow Kit as my background. It gives me the creeps D:

The song that’s been keeping me up.

 

This is Catalyst by Anna Nalick. Her voice here is so amazing. And the lyrics just get to me, ‘cause it’s so true. Listen or regret. Fo’ real.

I vented a lot yesterday already so I’m thinking I won’t blurt out everything now. Besides, today is supposed to be my “Free-of-you” day. The cousins are over and I’m guessing I should keep a smile up today and spend time with them.

PFFFT. No. I’m definitely gonna be playing computer games or something. My cousins and I never do quality time the way it’s supposed to be. But it’s okayy cause i love em anyway :)

If you can’t beat the system, get creative.

I was doing the laundry just now and I started wondering what life would be like if our roles were switched. If you know, you were the one pursuing and I was the one not really caring. Okay, not the one not really caring, because you do care. It’s just not in the context I wish you would care for me.

Oh boy don’t I sound greedy D:

Anyway, I was thinking about all that, and it hit me that maybe I’d play the deaf ear, too if I was in your shoes. I don’t know for sure whether you just haven’t caught on yet or whether you already know, but sometimes I think you do. You do, but you choose not to be upfront about it. I get why; we have a good thing between us already so why stir up the one fact that might jeopardise all that and make things mighty awkward? If I were in your shoes, I think I might pretend to not address the signs as well.

I think I’d still be super attracted to you anyway because you amaze me sometimes and there’s this kind of comfort I get from being around you. It’s a warm fuzzy protected sort of comfort. And with you I feel like I can touch the skies and there’s no limit to what I can achieve. You make me feel all positive and you make me want to do my best. Because I know to some extent that it will make you smile, maybe just once in awhile.

Yeah, I don’t think I’m giving up. The spaces are narrowing but I’ll get through or at least I won’t give up. I’m usually so hesitant and confused and I never wait out for something that doesn’t come with some sort of guarantee but you are one thing I certainly have no doubts about. You make me so bloody happy.

 

OH GOD BELINDA YOU ARE SO THE CORNY.
*scrapscrapscrap* *editeditedit*

Sadly, she was melancholic.

GEDDIT?

SADLY, she was MELANCHOLIC.

Look how clever I am, hohohohoho. I mean, she couldn’t have been happily melancholic, right? GEDDIT?!

Well, if you don’t geddit, then puhhh, you suck.
*throws minor hissy fit*

And in other news, Belinda Hon has lost her sanity. 
Oh but wait a minute; my sources tell me this is old news.

OKAY OKAY I’LL STOP BEING SPASTIC. Bah. REALLY.

I’m having a whole day out tomorrow and I won’t be back in my comfy/messy/hazardous bedroom till Friday night. Here are my plans for the next two days:

11th of November, THURSDAY

7.00am – Wake up and prettify self. Pack clothes and stuffff for sleepover. Squeeze in Facebook time someee where in there.
8.30am – Leave for PJ to meet Ratata and Kate.
9.00am – Arrive at IACT and ber-brekkie. Probably Tappers, Set 10 :) Chill, bitch, chill, bitch, freak out about Friday’s exam and then bitch some more.
11.00am – Get into Sam’s car and head off to OneUtama. Get tickets for THE MOVIE. Squeeze in snack time/lunch. I dunno, depends on our tummies.
12.30pm – MOVIEEEE.
3.00pm – FOOOOOOD. SHOP. BITCH SOME MORE.
5.30pm – Leave for steamboat buffet in Puchong!
6.30pm – MAKAN BUFFET PUAS-PUAS!
8.30pm – Meet up with Capri after makan! :))))
10.00pm – Leave for Ratata’s house for our sleepover!
10.30pm – BER-BITCH AND SHARE FEELINGS TILL 3AM IN THE MORNING STUDY FOR MALAYSIAN STUDIES EXAM VERY, VERY HARD! AND SLEEP VERY, VERY EARLY.

12th of November, FRIDAY

10.00am – Wake up and ber-brekkie. Disregard prettifying self.
11.00am – Freak out about Malaysian Studies exam.
11.15am – Go on Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr to destress and find out how many other people are freaking out.
12.00pm – REALLY FREAK OUT AND START STUDYING LIKE A MAD WOMAN.
1.00pm – Leave for IACT.
2.00pm – Study while having a probably light lunch due to butterflies in the stomach. Find some way to update Fatima on what went down the day before.
2.45pm – START FREAKING OUT MAJORLY. Get to exam room.
3.00pm – Start of exam. Struggle at questions 3, 6 and 13. Look desperately around for someone who looks worse off than I do.
5.00pm – End exam. Rush the fuck out of the exam room and complain and freak some more. Laugh at how freaked out we were before the exam.
6.00pm – Leave PJ for Sentul, ze Ghetto, my hood.

And then find myself home, sweet home in my room once again!

Of course, I don’t expect this schedule will stick AT ALL. I mean, it’s me after all. When do I ever stick to schedules? Pffft. Beneath me. LALALALALA

Okay, I need sleep if I’m going to prettify myself by 8.30am.

Goodnight, avid reader of none.

Here, have a .gif!

What I’ve been feeling recently…

Not necessarily in that order, but you can more or less tell how mood-swingy I’ve been recently. Highs and lows and all that funky crud D:

And no; I haven’t kissed anyone recently (see first .gif). I guess it should be “it was only a touch”.

I feel like no. 2 whenever there’s some hot rumor going about… or when someone mentions *ehem*. HAHAHAHAHA

I was so super mad today at the audacity of a certain someone. I say respect is given where respect is due, so don’t go around trying to fucking school me in that area.

I think the Fez one is soooooooo adorable. I love That 70’s Show. That, and I really do love you.

The crocodile one is me when I’m all fluffy and smitten... which I have been a lot this week. *teehee*

Just gonna stand there and hear me roar? That’s alright because I am a dinosaur.

I realise I blog less when I’m happy. I guess because when I’m happy, I want to prolong that feeling, keep it bubbling inside and cheering me up and all. I guess when I’m down in the dumps, all that matters is getting everything out of my system, so venting as much as I can usually helps.

But today is different. I am still happy.

Over the moon that Tarrant Kwok is back and that I’ll be having dinner with him tonight.

Still high on that feeling of accomplishment when I submitted that feature article.

Beaming with pride at my ready to be tested monologue and script.

And maybe because I’ve just been surrounded by positive ju-ju vibes recently. It’s so much easier to smile. I guess good company and friends do that to you?

ALSO. Might be off to a holiday with Amesies and Joyee come end of the year. If that roadtrip happens, it is gonna be soooooooo sick :)

Things are looking up mostly. WHEE!

Marshmallows rhyme with Rainbows.

I’m tired. Very, very tired. But I just had my dinner (or more like supper), so I’m gonna wait a bit before I sleep.

I felt like queen of the world for quite a bit today. I handed in that feature article and I think I did okay on it.

Anyway, I’m even happier now because Tarrant Kwok is back in Msia! Don’t know how long, but this news has just made my day :)

Yeah, I hope he never reads this D:

 

Off to bed now with a wideeeeeeee grin.

Currently depressed over current state of mind. This song explains it all.

"All Hail The Heartbreaker" – The Spill Canvas

I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways
My bad habits would be gone in a matter of days
I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes
To a whole new world that had since been in disguise

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world
But your undecisive mind shows me that
You are "just another girl"
I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real
What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams
Maybe then you'd know how I feel

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin
I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I will sleep another day
I don't really need to anyway
What's the point when my dreams are infected
With words you used to say
I will breathe in a moment
As long as I keep my distance
I wouldn't want to go messing anything up

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do,
but that shouldn't affect your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about this constantly
So maybe I do,
but that shouldn't affect your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well

I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
I guess that's how this one's gonna go
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim
”All hail the heartbreaker.”

Talk about spamming your blog much.

AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH. I don’t feel good.

Now I’m just typing ‘cause I don’t know where else to vent. Vent. VENT. I’m so sad.

SO SAD. LIKE, REALLY SAD!

I don’t know whyyyyyyyyyyy. I mean I do, but I don’t know why I’m not used to feeling like this yet.

This sucks. Major. MAJOR.

I’m going to bury my FEELINGS under layers of lyrics now. You know why? ‘Cause I get my hopes up then they come crashing down. GAAAAAAH!

I should create a playlist titled “Listen when to this playlist when you read something related to him which upsets you”. I think it’s too long, but fuck that!

bjkwgnewqfew nfnr3ojgu2y58tjjmner m,fvh4uwhinn rf gvgji4gw9n2g!

Smashing keyboards help a lot.

bgfywnfhy829pkfcaw,kllnjkmr3gy3wdkxq2=7esx?SQ lt9,fl,ckm nkcm k hr3km732k; .,AS, N FSL KSFDX

You, You, You and You Are Everything.

My heart breaks a little every time you post up something to do with a person you only identify as "you". 'Cause I always wonder afterwards, if it was meant for me.

I know this probably sounds really sad. But I can’t help it. I wish and I wish and I hope you mean me when you say “you”. You get it? Ugh, I’m so bad at this trying to keep things the way they are thing. Really. I’m not greedy. I just hate not knowing. Let’s face it; I’ve got an ego and I have an unreasonable fear of rejection. I do. And I’m very afraid of being played for a fool. Been there too many times.

I’m afraid I’m making a real fool of myself now though huh.

I mean, really. The possibility of “you” being me, is almost not there at all. But I wish it was. Oh God, how I do wish it was.

Great. Head over heels for you once again.

I must stop thinking about you so much.

Ah, heart, be strong!

Running all over me.

Because I know you stalk my blog, shoutout to Johann Oh. You still owe me three movies. Yeaaaaaahh.

Anyway.

I have recently developed a liking for vehicles. Okay, not a liking. I’ve just been thinking a lot about movement and progress and getting ahead, so vehicles kinda just pop in my head occasionally.

I have a lot to write about actually. I’ve got a lot on my mind (more than usual) but it’s mostly good things. I’m feeling a lot better about most things (not my PR feature article which I’ve yet to start on though). I need to unload, unwind.

Heh, that reminds me of this lame joke Danial cracked during the Unplugged Halloween party.

Why does a mummy hate to go on holidays?
- Because he needs to relax and UNWIND.

I did warn you that it was a lame joke. HA-HA-HA-HA!

Wow, I’m doing a really bad job of emptying my mind. Like, so bad. FAIL.

You see, I really REALLY like you. A lot. And I enjoy being with you. I feel like inserting a romantic quote here just because I’m kinda overflowing with this fluffy romantic stuff right now but I don’t know how to word it right. It’s simply summed up by I care for you very, very much and I love it when I make you happy. It makes me feel like I’m finally doing something worthwhile, because you definitely aren’t a waste of time.

... And somehow communicate some of the over-whelming, undying, overpowering, unconditional, all-encompassing, heart-enriching, mind-expanding, ongoing, never-ending love I have for you.

– Reflections of a Skyline.

These words explain it all and yet they are not enough because I still don’t think I’ve said all I can say. I wanna be all redundant, but I’m stubborn that way and you know that.

Ahhh, I think I know what it feels like now to be really happy with what you have, even when you don’t have much. This is good.

Recovered.

There’s this really bad taste in my mouth and no matter how many times I swallow, I just can’t seem to get rid of it. No, this is not some kinky shit. It’s just that it has been bothering me the whole day and now it still refuses to bugger off. I think I might be falling pretty ill and it looks like my voice is gonna die on me pretty soon.

On another note, MEGAMIND IS SUPER AWESOME. One of the best movies I’ve seen this year. REALLY. So funny! They had the best jokes EVERRRR. I wanna be like Megamind. He’s like my new idol. SOOOOOOOOOO AWESOME. Ratata, Kate, Leo and I were laughing sooooo loudly. There was this bit about the queen of England and NOBODY ELSE in the cinema got it but for us. :P

Aiyoh, it was such a goodnight.

OMG I WANNA WATCH IT AGAIN. It was really THAT good.

Ok, off to bed smiling and replaying the movie in my head. SERIOUSLY, OMG SO GOOD.

It really super sucks when you do that.

Let’s say someone you cared about was in a coma. Throughout that time, you took care of him and tried your very best to get him back to who he was before. Now, how would you feel if said person came out of the coma and you weren’t the first person to know? And not only that, but let’s say the first person he went to was someone he isn’t that close to (in comparison). Wouldn’t that be a slap to the face? If no, then maybe its just me.

I’m just kinda hurt. I don’t even know why ‘cause its naive and childish and stupid to be hurt by something like this. It is. I mean I’ve been feeling so shits about it, and then when things got better it’s like I wasn’t needed anymore. But that’s the way things are. Its normal. People don’t always put you first, it’s like rule number one of growing up. You will not always be on someone’s mind and you will never be the center of someone’s attention 24 hours a friggin’ day. Grow up already!

I don’t feel used, I just feel really stupid. And no, this has nothing to do with a real coma. I just wished you put me a little higher in your list of VIPs.

Oh yeah Belinda, this is not pathetic at all.

Ps: I hope the third party in this scenario reads this and notes that I really don’t blame him/her. I just got kinda sad but it’s not your fault.

You take the breath right out of me.

Okay, I’ve been trying to get my mind off things but I can’t. After being reminded yesterday and earlier today of how I really feel, it’s like I can’t pretend anymore. I try to distract myself from what I really feel because I’ve kinda set it in my mind that nothing will happen between you and I anytime soon. You just don’t see me that way and there’s really a part of me that’s just given up on us chasing you. Call me weak; there might be some truth in that.

I see relationships that last less or just a little over a month and I usually think “You guys didn’t even try”. I know I’ve had my share of relationships that failed a little too soon for my liking, but I fought for those. It’s just that they (my ex’s) never fought with me. Or at least that’s how I see it. And that is kinda like what I’m feeling now. It’s been awhile since this fight started and till today, in the pit of my stomach, I believe there hasn’t been a concrete moment when you fought for me. I would be lying if I said I feel less for you because of this; it’s just who you are and I can’t blame you. I can’t force you to fight as hard for me, especially since you probably don’t even feel the need to.

The thing is, you can only love so much and fight for such a time. And I really feel that my time is running out. I mean, I enjoy spending time with you and all that, but nothing is reciprocated and I don’t want to have to continue hiding my affection for you. It is abundant and holding it all in and pretending to not care when other girls make passes at you is torture.

I’ve been finding ways to forestall openly admitting that I’ve lost this fight. I’ve been cheating myself into believing that I’ve moved on from you by talking to boys and getting myself worked up about them. I mean, really, they don’t mean anything. Distractions; that’s all they are. Friends and of course, I enjoy their company. But when
I go to sleep at night, I always just wonder where you are and if you are well and if, to some extent, you miss me too. When I hear a love song on the radio, I don’t think of those other boys; I think of you and how I wish it were relevant to us both.

This is becoming a rather pathetic post. I’m friggin’ pining.

The thought of completely giving up on you is too scary. I don’t think I can actually do it. But I have to let go or I am going to constantly be torn between the part of me that’s surrendered and the part of me that’s still fighting. It’s exhausting.

You are still a big part of me. But the idea of “us” actually happening is something I am looking forward to forgetting. Maybe five years from now, before I move away or you get married or something completely tears us apart, I’ll finally have the guts to tell you that all my posts have been about you. And maybe then, you’ll read through all these words and begin to comprehend how much I wanted to continue fighting for you. And maybe then, maybe then you’ll start trying to win me back. That’s all I am hoping for and I really hope it does come true. One day. ‘Cause now unfortunately I feel that my grip is slipping and steadily I’m losing this fight. I hope in time you’ll fight back for me too.

Ugh, I wish my heart was still intact. I think I need to shed some tears. Not tonight, it’s already been too taxing. Maybe by the end of this week. That would be ideal.

And I know I’ve overused these lyrics so many times on this blog, but really, these lyrics depict exactly what’s going on in my head right now:

I don’t know why I fight for you this way.

I think I love you and wish you loved me too.

</3

BRB

I have a post that is yet to be published. It’s all done and I’m less emotional weighed down now. But I haven’t thought of a suitable title. Until I find that title, it shall remain in the draft box.

Maybe later tonight then.

DISCLAIMER: That post contains emo-ness, apathy, self-indulgence and heartbreak.

Gah. So saddening.

Gluek & Gluek

I have been so super tired and busy and sleep deprived recently. But it’s weird because I actually really feel alive right now. I feel like I’m actually living and not just going through the motions pointlessly. It’s a good feeling.

Anyway, I need to confess now. I did something really, REALLY bad. I’m a third striker now and I probably should have walked away when I had the chance. But I didn’t and why; because I wasn’t thinking straight and I felt selfish. I am very outspoken about how I’m against things like that and yet I just did it. Such a hypocrite.

While I know what I did was wrong on a billion levels, it’s not eating its way through me anymore. I mean, no point crying over spilt milk and all that, right? It happened, I regret it and promise to stay away from such things from now. What’s done is done; move the fuck on.

Oh, that felt good. I’m doing a lot of emotional dumping on this blog. Maybe I should get back to rambling.

So here’s a short list of randomness:

1. I got a friggin 3.31 GPA for my last semester. Yeah, it’s an okay score but it still pisses me off, just because I was so close yet so far. ARGH. KEEL, KEEL, KEEEEEL!
2. I spent Sunday afternoon on a horse ranch in Shah Alam and bounced most of the day away on a trampoline worked very hard.
3. I can’t skip anymore Malaysian Studies classes because I got a letter saying so D:
4. Oh, UNIQLO is opening about a week from now! And I already have 100MYR worth of vouchers. AWESOME SAUCE.
5. My group’s photography assignment kinda kicks assss (I think).
6. Ze German dude is gonna be lepak-ing with me most of Thursday.
7. I don’t know what to wear for the halloween thingy on Thursday.
8. I don’t know if ze German dude is gonna dress up for Thursday.
9. By the way, Gluek & Gluek is a reference to today’s sociology class.
10. Though I wasn’t so thrilled at first, I’m really glad I have had a good group to work with for Sociology.
11. I can’t wait for this year to end so I can resume performing :(
12. I am running out of random things to write.

Yeah, okay so the tenth point kinda sums it all up. I’m waiting for Dexter to load now. And I wanna vent some more actually, but I really don’t think this is the place. No one wants to hear anymore complaining for today, I guess. Hmm.

Ok, that’s my cue to leave. byebye.

Get this off your chest.

Gaaah. I feel super sucky.

Have you ever had that sudden realisation that you've been taking too much for granted and you've not been doing enough? Yeah. I feel like that. With my friends (Or the very few people who tolerate me).

I don’t know. I think I've been selfish. And I don't think I've done as much for them as they've done for me. Especially this year. Like, I think I've been trying to juggle everything and it's all come toppling down now with Joyee, Azelia, the girls at college, everyone.

It's just hitting me now that because I've been having to do a lot of discovering and adapting this year, I think I haven’t done anything for them. As in even just really listening to their problems. Or just being there you know.

I feel quite disgusted with my lifestyle.

I just don’t think I’m taking any interest in what’s happening in their lives. No, wait, no, that’s not what I meant. It’s more like I don’t think I’ve been actively and completely there for them. I’m interested of course, I mean, jeez I care for these people. I guess I just haven’t been making the extra effort to be there with them through stuff.

I mean, everyone is growing up and each of them is going through this transformation, just like me. Transitioning from one period of their life to the other and things are constantly happening and I feel now like I’m missing out on all of it. And that fucking kills me because I realise that they’ve helped me deal with my shit and all through that, they had things to sort out too and here I am not reciprocating.

Fuck. Fuck. I really feel like most self-centered person ever.

Oh my God I never thought I was so out of it. This is what you get for trying to do everything; you end up giving 20% to the people who’ve stuck with you instead of your hundred. And then you’re gonna realise at the end of it that you don’t have anyone to go to because while you were busy using your balance 80% on everything else, your friends found that they don’t really need you anymore because it was all ‘take’ on your part.

I am going to change my ways. The world does not revolve around me and my friends deserve a hell of a lot more than I’ve been giving them.

Mood: All over the place in a good way.

Warning: This post might get very cheesy ‘cause it’s all about friendship.

Okay, so how do I say this? Ummm. As crazy as this sounds I actually kinda miss you? Not “miss you” miss you. It’s just… err, I miss you. It’s not been very long, but I miss talking. And miss poking fun at you. Miss pretending to know oodles more than you do. I kinda just miss hanging around you. I mean, you’re really fun.

Hmmm. It’s weird how quickly we move on when we’re happy. When I was feeling like crap, it made me kinda pine wish you were here even more. But now that my life is heading rather well, I find that I need you less and it all just seems less intense.

Ok, I sound like I was using you. That’s not true.

I guess, you were good to me and you cheered me up and you kinda gave me this little bit of hope? You (partly) got me to this little happy place I’ve constructed around myself. And don’t get me wrong; just because I realise don’t need you as much now, doesn’t mean I’m cutting you off. I’m just musing.

I miss you, but not in the way I did earlier, as in before this happy place of mine came about. Now, it’s a more familiar kind of miss.

Ugggghh, I don’t think I’m making sense. I know I rarely do anyways, but it’s super clear in this post that I’m kinda talking out of my ass right now.

Heh, and because of SpellCheck, it’s also super clear that I’ve used the word “kinda” waaaaaaaayy too many times already.

Basically, what I’m trying to say here, is I miss you and you’ve done me a big favor without even realising. So, thank you and I can’t wait to see where this goes next.
I think it’s gonna be one helluva ride.

:)

Tonight, I must go to sleep by 12am.

So I dragged my ass over to Liveshocks at Alex’s place ‘cause I’d submitted a script this time around. YEAY FOR FIRST TIMERS!

I was soooo worried about what people would think about my script and all, because I don’t really write much? As in plays and scripts and all that. I’ve written ONE ten minute piece for Sweatshop earlier and that’s about it. My previous work for high school plays don’t count because… well, they’re in bloody high school play format.

Anyway, so I was freaking out at first but then I was like, “Hmmm, it’s not all bad because it’s just the five of us this time”. 15 minutes into the session, BOOM; Banun, Jit and their friend Ika waltz in. I was happy to see them, ‘cause it felt like quite a bit since we hung out, but then I freaked out again about my script actually being read D:

My script was suppose to round up the night, but because Jit and ze gang needed to leave early, Alex decided to push my script one slot forward. By that point, I was already contemplating strangling myself with my shawl or something.

Alex and Banun played the two characters in my script. It got some laughs here and there, and all the while I was gritting my teeth ‘cause I really was so super nervous. It turned out in the end that the table enjoyed it and it wasn’t a complete phailure. I felt so good after getting the thing done and over with and I’m thinking maybe I’ll take their advice and expand on it a bit more. SO WHEEEEEE, IT WAS A GOOOOD NIGHT :)

And that was Sunday. And that is not the reason I am so exhausted right now.

Earlier today, at like friggin’ 8am, I got myself to college for this Rough Cuts workshop by Primeworks. To be honest, I didn’t exactly know what was in store and what the workshop would be all about. The actual thing only got started at around 9.45am. Turns out, it was this idea generation guide and it also aimed to teach us a bit about preparing media content and pitching and all that jazz.

It was a lot of  brainstorming and discussing and plotting and it actually was a lot of fun. The thing is, they kept chucking sweets at us to keep us awake, but all the Mentos and Cola sweets gave me this really bad buzz! I had such a bad sugar rush; I could my energy just flying about everywhere! It kinda helped with the brainstorming bit because my brain just kept expelling words anywhere possible. But later, when it got down to producing slides and sorting out presentation, my rush kinda died off and I was left with this zombie-like feeling. Everything just crashed and I think I got a litttttle pissy irritable.

So then we hastily put together our Power Point presentation and decided that we’d go up first this time to pitch. We were having some problems hooking up the laptop to the projector and all. And while all that was going on, my lecturers just started popping up in the audience. Miss Jo was there, Michael Choong, Su. I was like, GREAT. OMG THANK YOU, REALLY. AS IF I NEEDED ANYMORE PRESSURE.

After we got our Power Point to actually work, we began our pitch. I did most of the talking, ‘cause I didn’t really help much with the slides seeing as I am that noobular. But I have to say that the team did a great job managing the whole thing. All I did was verbalise their work and it paid off, ‘cause in the end we were nominated as the group with the best presentation pitch. It was really great, ‘cause we managed to at least make our mark somewhere :) I feel like a champion, even though it’s a very small win. If you want to call it a win at all, that is.

So yeah, that’s basically the highlights of the past two days. I’m really dead tired right now and my brain just refuses to do anymore work for today. I guess it’s been very well. And this week is set to be better, hopefully. Major lepak session on Thursday and hopefully Saturday as well. Plus, our photoshoot is on Friday is gonna be AMAZING.

And I finally feel like I’ve got a grip on things.

This feels awesome.

Goodnight.

Of Hot Boys and Deprivation.

I was on tumblr like around 10 seconds ago when it hit me that I had been liking and reblogging quite a few photos of hot boys. Not pornography, just photos of really cute/hot/adorable/doable boys. I wonder if it’s got anything to do with the mind games real boys have been playing on me.

The thing is it’s kinda stupid, ‘cause I’m not as deprived of eye candy now as much as I was a few months back. So why the sudden rush? Hmm. Either that, or because there is so much to gawk at, my mind goes berserk and starts to itch. You know, itch. And because there is no other solution, everytime the itch comes about, my mind sends me these urges to take note of photos of really cute/hot/adorable/doable boys.

This must not go on for I am starting to sound like a sleaze bag :S.

What was the term to describe my current pining state again?

Ah, yes.

Blue-ballin’.

 

**Btw, our moment is overdue. Really.

Meeting an (old?) friend.

It’s like nothing had changed between us. We haven’t been speaking regularly, we haven’t seen each other in friggin’ months. But during that 70minute phone call, it felt like we’d never been apart. Fuck lah. I miss Azelia.

I’m all emo now and I don’t know why. I miss the talks. I miss the laughs. I miss having someone who gets me. I miss talking about boys and comparing how shitty our situations are. I miss all the stupid profound statements we came up with that didn’t make sense to anyone but us (and sometimes, Sacha).

Its so stupid. Why am I tearing up? Its not like she’s a million miles away. Maybe I’m just rediscovering how much I looooove her…and her hair. We were so friggin’ close, once upon a time in that dark shoebox we called high school.

Fuck laaah. I miss Azelia :(

To fix what is broken.

I think I will not get over this no matter how many times I cry about it, write about it, talk about it or try to forget about it. We learned about Master Statuses in sociology class today. I don’t want this to be my master status, but so much time has gone past and still it dictates the way I live. It is hidden in the recesses of my mind, the thoughts of the few who know about it and the things I do.

I shall not bring it into the open for the world to gawk at; sympathy is not what I am looking for. Neither shall I expose this deed to defame the person at fault, because revenge isn’t quite what I am looking for either. What do I want then, I ask myself again and again. Do I want an apology? Do I want justification? Do I want a shoulder to cry on? Do I want to forget?

Yes, perhaps I aim to forget. To put all this behind me. But that is all in due time, and as I have tried again and again to erase it from my memory, it creeps up time and time again only to remind me that my past cannot be outrun. So forgetting is a plan but alas, I doubt it is possible at this time in point when I am still questioning why I was put through such a thing.

Closure? Yes, closure would be nice. Maybe if I could understand why, it would out my mind at ease. The questions that often crop up with closure: Why me? Why then? The stupid part about this is then a little voice in my head replies: Why not?

And to that, I can’t think of an answer. Why not? There is nothing to say that I am immune to pain, so why not me? It does not help my case and so closure maybe isn’t the right thing for me, not just yet.

I don’t think there is a specific way to go about this issue. I wish there was a handbook, but the situation isn’t simple math. I want to live without this weight slowing me down and halting me from exploring. I am tired, so tired, of the flashbacks and guilty jabs. I wish I could forget, but if that won’t happen, at least let me learn to live knowing that this disability doesn’t own me.

I wish my safe place didn’t feel so far away. And I wish I could purge the knowledge of what was done from my stream of consciousness.

If only it was easy to pretend that this had never happened.

Hooked.

Saying no is so friggin’ hard. Why? Because I’m sissy like that.

This semi self-imposed performing hiatus is killing me! I mean, I’ve become so used to the hectic lifestyle of rushing from home to college to KLPac, that now it feels very unnatural to be at home so much. And that is probably why my savings account has been steadily dwindling, because I go out and spend spend instead of staying at home and feeling miserable. But I made my dad a promise (ish) and I want to do theater for a long long time, so maybe it’s best to keep him happy first?

And if I’m looking on the bright side of this brief break, at least I have time to get myself more involved with college things. And I have more time to freak out with my girls. So that’s all good and one way to look at it.

But omg, I miss it so :( And last weekend’s Mukabuku didn’t count as a proper production since it was a rushed three days of refreshing and rediscovering.

Am I making sense? Hmm, I don’t think I am :s

Anyway, I think I should go get ready for college now. PR, don’t I love it!

 

Oh fuck. I haven’t sorted out my group’s campaign thingy completely yet. fuckiddy, fuck fuck.

The trumpets roar.

I feel victorious. Take that assignment, POW POW!
Yeah, I’m too ninja for you now!

So, I can finally say that my theater break thingy has been an epic fail. But I promise myself I SHAN’T GET INVOLVED IN ANY ONSTAGE/BACKSTAGE WORK FOR THE REST OF THIS YEAR. I will still do front of house for Short and Sweet 2010 off and on, but that’s about it. No more stage managing and no more performing until January next year. PROMISE.

Yes, promises are meant to be broken and all that jazz, but no. Not this time. I am going to stick to this one.

REALLY!

Ok, so I’m seriously exhausted right now. Was out of the house by 11am. Left for Bump-in at The Actor’s Studio @ Lot 10. Performed at 7.30pm ish. Bumped out. Headed for yummy Chinese hawker food with the rest of the cast and crew of Mukabuku then got dropped home by Ivan slightly before midnight.

Then hopped straight into assignment mode and nailed Illustrator, Photoshop and InDesign to friggin’ kingdom come! I might still fail though ‘cause seriously, my end product is a real heap of phail. 8 pages worth of PHAIL. But it’s all good. At least I did it!…Right?

Gah, fuck this. I’m going to hit the hay. Proper post when I find time to breathe.

Oh, oh, oh and my teddy Mr Fuzzbucket might have a girlfriend soon. HEEEHEEE. Play date!

Oh, oh, oh and I guess all in all, 10/10/10 was good to me :)

Cath… – Death Cab For Cutie

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

I’m so broken. haven't you all had your fun already? when will this all stop?

STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP PLEASE STOP.

I cannot take this anymore.

Soon everybody will ask what became of you;
Your heart was dying fast and you didn't know what to do.

This, I know, is inevitable.

Jokes aside.

You see. You try to hold it in. Because everyone is having such a good time. You fake that voice, you fake those words and you swallow those hits as best as you can. They’re having a good time and despite you knowing its at your expense, you bear with it because you think they’ll have the decency to cut it off soon. And it’s not like you haven’t told them how insecure you are when it comes to these things.

You grit your teeth and you wait and they are still saying the same old things. You can only take so much for the fucking team before you realise you don’t want to be here and that the conversation just isn’t fun anymore. You wait for someone to back you up. No one does, so you suppress everything, thinking you’ll be able to keep it in and last the night.

Then you realise you cannot swallow those insults anymore and everything just tumbles out. You start getting mad. As soon as that first word of defiance hits the air, you just explode. Word after word. And after all that anger, you’re left with nothing but that feeling of helplessness you are oh so accustomed to.

Fuck it all. If you don’t start pulling away, you’d be a fool.

Perhaps this is payback.

Relapse: The Belinda Hon Story. *A note on Facebook!

Based on her own (award-winning?) autobiographical anthology Life Unplugged, Relapse: The Belinda Hon Story traces the rise and fall (and rise again, and then fall one more time and then finally rise?) of one of the 21st-centuries most complex and enduring figures: Belinda Hon. From her early discovery by a Malaysian playwright laureate, to her rise to fame and her eventual struggle with emotional manic-ness and unrequited love, Relapse traces Hon’s life in all its glory, and how she, in equal parts thespian, writer, friend, lover, and mental case, overcame all odds to become one of the world’s most prominent leading ladies. It is a tale of life, love, laughter and the occasional bout of madness.

CRITIC’S SAY:“Winslet gives the performance of her career!” – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone“Brilliant… A truly vivid journey through a remarkable life…” – A. O. Scott, The New York Times “It is a window into the soul of one of this generations most fascinating figures, and we share in her happiness, her passion, her sadness and madness, and, when it is all over, we come out seeing the world anew. Miraculous.” – Robert Ebert, Chicago Sun Times

Directed by Clint Eastwood and produced by Martin Scorsese with a stellar cast.

STARRING:

Kate Winslet as Belinda Hon

Albert Finney as Joe Hasham

Vanessa Redgrave as Faridah Merican

Kevin Spacey as Christopher Ling

Jane Lynch as Nicole Ann Thomas

Eddie Izzard as Alex Chua

Philip Seymour Hoffman as Qahar Aqilah

Ethan Hawke as Mark Beau De Silva

Missy Eliot as Elvira Arul

Steve Buscemi as Robert "Lowbat" Halim

Nicole Kidman as Alexis Wong

Isla Fischer as Banun Atina

Kristin Chenoweth as Ashley Tan

Queen Latifah as Shobana Murugiah

Hilary Swank (during her Boys Don't Cry days) as Shane Capri

Ashton Kutcher as Ivan Chan

Seth Green as Calvin Tan

Bill Hader as Jit Yang

Rupert Grint as Gregory Sze

Rajnikanth as Dinesh Kunasekar

John Leguizamo as Rakesh Kumar

Michael Cera as Nabil Zakaria

Jack Black as Johann Oh

Mark Wahlberg as Yusuf Amin

AND

Christopher Walken as Vincent Lai as Christopher Walken!

**

Casting by Vincent Lai and Belinda Hon.

Special thanks to Vincent Lai for concept, synopsis and input.

‘Indie’ and ‘Bimbo’ but not quite ‘Emo’.

I am happy. Very. I guess I’m enjoying the ride. It might be short lived in the end, but fuck that. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it okay. I’m inching forward and though the pace is slow, the scenic route isn’t exactly a bad choice. I’m taking my time and adapting to these new circumstances fairly well. The past remains in the past and it’s turning out fine and dandy. I hope this string of good days and charming smiles continue!

Anyways, I spent another day with Ramin today. :)
I have to say, he’s cool, but I’m fuckin’ amazing! HAHAHAHA We went to what we thought was a photography exhibition but turned out to be more of a photo manipulation thingy. Either way, very cool! Went back to my place, printed out some of his AFS stuff, then brought him to eat his first Ramli burger for dinner. Lepak-ed right outside a 7eleven for about half an hour then got him a cab and I went home. Basically, pretty unextraordinary.

We didn’t do much and yet I am so fucking tired. I wanna just collapse and I wish I didn’t have class tomorrow. It’s got nothing to do with the subject or anything, I’m just reaaaaaaaaaaally friggin’ lazy for the 3pm class.

A good end to September, but a not-so great start to October.

I’m currently very sick but at least its got nothing to do with my heart.

I had a really good day yesterday, despite already being slightly unwell. Went for class in the morning and it went well. Lecturer asked us to come up with a Durex Condom Awareness campaign. IT WAS SOOOOOO MUCH FUN! I now really hope they organise a Condom Party!

After that, chilled with the girls at Tappers for a bit before heading off to meet Ramin at KLCC. So happy he was punctual (the guys I go out with usually never are)! We had lunch at Nando’s and used up those coupons he won during the Crossings premiere. He paid for the drinks then we were off to watch Wall Street 2.

Wall Street 2, to me, was okay okay only. I understood the main plot and all that, but it frustrated me a teeny weeny bit that I didn’t understand the business lingo they were using. I think Carey Mulligan was stunning in that movie and I have a little girl crush on her now. So amaaazing.

We chilled at Starbucks after the movie till about 6.30pm then decided we’d better get on the train back to JayaOne for my college’s open mic session @ The Bee. To be quite honest, I was worried Ramin would feel out of place around my group of friends, because we’re all a little girly girly mental. HAHAHAHA I think having Shayne Especkerman at the table helped loosen him up a bit. Oh and I’ve deduced that Shayne is in LOOOOOOOVE with my boobs. HAHAHAHA

AND! I bumped into Syat @ The Bee too, so that was fun!

Ramin and I spent about an hour or so at the table with the rest, then Rathika told me to bring him around, so I did. We walked around JayaOne for a bit, sat down and talked. Got up, walked some more, then found somewhere new to chill and talk. We were just roaming around basically but it was nice.

Got back to the group, talked laugh, demonstrated spanking and yeah, a lot of things that should not be mentioned here. *clears throat*

We left about 10.30pm, got a cab to the train station. I broke my pinky fingernail (and it hurt like a fucking bitch) and because I can’t stand the sight of blood and I didn’t have any tissue on me, I had to just bear with it.

Anyway, nothing special happened or whatever. But it really was a very goodnight. As I was waiting for a cab to pick me up from the Sentul LRT, I couldn’t help thinking that today was perhaps one of my happier days of the year. Good company, what can I say!

Really.

PS:
I love Rathika, Kate and Fatima.

Really :)

September is coming to an end.

I don’t want to go into October feeling like crap. So please let this be an un-emo post. redundant, profound, clumsy, whatever as long as it’s not EMO.

I need to be fix myself. I wonder sometimes (well, most of the time) if the people I confide in really do understand the things I go through. Like, a few days back, one of my close buddies mentioned that I don’t tell him things anymore. I thought that was complete bollocks at first; I mean, me and him talk on an almost daily basis. But he pointed out that while we still converse regularly, I keep certain things fairly hidden.

Recently, I’ve been reflecting quite a bit on what he said and I guess he’s right in a way. I might talk an awful lot and seem like an open book, but if I’m being quite honest with myself, I never let on to certain problems. And these are the real problems that I face every day which I’m either too proud or too timid to reveal. I know I need help, but how do I just come out and tell that to people? Like even now, I’m just beating around the bush. It’s scary, the idea of actually confessing to these things.

There are days when I feel I’m delaying the inevitable. I can already see how things are going to turn up and I want to somehow soften the blow for the people around me. I’m thinking, the less they know, the better. But at the same time, I know that playing this game will end up as a huge shock. Or maybe not. I think some people around me can probably sense my negativity already.

It’s sucky because there’s a part of me that believes I am beyond help and then there’s this other part that’s waiting for me to be saved. It’s a huge contradiction and it’s not helping my brains at all.

I love how I feign being an open book to make it seem like I have nothing to hide when there are actually decaying skeletons in my closet.

…

Great, yet another helpless emo post.

[ Emotions – 1, Belinda – 0 ]

Me, Me, Me.

See, I’m not doing this for you okay. I’m doing it for me, because if I don’t, I’m going to lose my fucking mind. I cannot afford to just drop the ball every time you are around. Do you understand? This insanity has to stop. I cannot go on like this. It’s unhealthy and that’s to say the least. Let’s just choose to forget that this thing we have is toxic.

Yes, I am tired of picking up the slack. I am tired of chasing you. I am tired of waiting for you to reciprocate. I am done.

And I know it’s not your fault and you never consented to this. Yes, you never gave me permission to do all that I’ve done for you and you never asked for this. But I’m telling you that I couldn’t help it. You were just there and I was drawn to you because of all you are. And yes, I am to blame for the mess I’ve made, I get it.

I’m sorry for making you feel victimised here. I just, I need to get you out of my system. Because if I don’t, I’ll never move on. I’m going to stop all this. For me and for you. But I love you okay. ARGH WHY IS THIS SO PAINFUL.

I promise you, that time away will do us good. You will fade into the background. And this is just what I need. Just time to think.

I am done.

Not everything happens for a reason.

Sometimes, I have to force myself to pretend that things are okay when actually they’re not. I put on a brave face, fake a smile and pretend to be happy with what we have/don’t have when deep down it’s eating me up inside. If you’d paid a bit more attention, maybe you’d have realised by now that this is wrecking me from within. I just don’t know how to face you anymore. You try to make things easy but all you do is give me false hope. I’m tired of going back and forth and back and forth with you. Every time we speak my emotions just go crazy and by the end of it, I don’t know what to feel for you. If pining for you is wrong, if ignoring you feels unfair, if hoping for you is naive, then there is really nothing at all that I can do. I’ve tried my best to just be your friend but it’s not working. I mean, seriously, something’s gotta give. I cannot continue to be cajoled like this. We need to come to a conclusion. We either work things out or, you leave me be for awhile until I am finally rid of all these conflicting feelings i have for you. You disgust and amaze me at the same time and it doesn’t make any fucking sense. I have no valid reason to be so taken by you and that’s what annoys me the most. I just don’t know why I want you so much.

 

*tag: fictional imaginary circumstance rant.

Don’t be shy. or snide.

Okay. You know you’ve got self-esteem issues when someone you trust dearly tells you you’re beautiful and the first thing that comes to your mind is “Damnit, bitch; stop the sarcasm.”

Yeah, as ugly as that sounds, it’s rather true. I’m guilty of reacting that way. It’s not like I’m friggin’ Doutzen Kroes, but I’m no Wicked Witch of the West either and I know this already. Yet, whenever I am praised for my looks, immediately I deduce that the comment was laced with sarcasm, though deep down I know it’s just me exaggerating and being all insecure. It’s as if I’ve somewhat convinced myself that I am less than mediocre and anyone who says otherwise means to put me down or intended the “compliment” as a snide remark.

Vanity is so tiring. You try and you try to look your best, but then when it all boils down to it, you can never be happy with the way you are.

I wish I wasn’t so insecure and I wish my confidence wasn’t so down in the dumps. I mean, I should stop fretting so much and stop over-analysing comments about my appearance because really, this is NOT healthy.

A Sudden Moment of Epiphany.

Maybe the reason I’m trying so hard to win you over is because it’s in my nature. Someone very clever once told me,

“I know sometimes you feel like you want to give up, but you cannot. You must continue fighting.”

Disregard the fact that this advice was given to me during rehearsals and was actually meant for my scene work, please&thankyou.

I guess if it’s worth it, it isn’t going to come easy :)
Wait for me, love!

Recoil and Retreat.

Why am I still not over you? It’s been quite awhile since I decided I would stop hoping and get on with my life. By right, all this pining and getting emo/fluffy over things you’ve said should have stopped about a month back.

Since I don’t see any solution at this point, I’m putting all this down to being mind over matter ‘cause really, forgetting you should not be this difficult. Let’s lay out the facts, shall we:

1. I’ve gotten over some ex-boyfriends sooner than this.
2. I’ve not even known you long enough to expect anything.
3. You’re nothing but a crush ‘cause we were never even together.
4. You’re not especially good-looking and in many ways, you would invite a lot of drama into my already complicated life.

Cold, hard facts proving that waiting for him makes no sense, whatsoever. It’s been a nice ride, but now it’s time to get back to fucking reality. So please dear heart, please understand that you have absolutely no reason or excuse to be wanting him this much still.

Logic, will you never triumph? It’s a war of head versus heart, and right now, heart is winning four to none.

28 days later and I still don’t know why I fight for you this way.

Currently on repeat: Oh My Stars – Andrew Belle

I wish for these to be the last words I write for you. I cannot go on like this. This heart is not strong enough.

I'm already losing grip and I don’t know how long I can control these tears that threaten to flow. To break me now, your smile is all it takes.

I thought I was prepared. I thought I could forget. I thought this was a passing fancy but now I can’t look at anyone else but you.

Oh fuck. I’ve started crying.

The things I’ve been doing for you have done me more bad than good and yet I don’t regret them at all. Though it may not be true, I like to think that they’ve perhaps brought us closer.

I feel like I’m going insane sometimes. Why do I cry and cry for what is soon becoming a lost cause? I mean, I missed my chance. And I won’t get it back.

And you don’t even see me.

And you couldn’t be less bothered about this.

And you tell me about things you like and I’m not one of ‘em.

But I just wish you would read this and understand in this wonderful moment of wild recognition that you mean so fucking much to me.

I want to take care of you and be the one who knows you best and not be afraid of holding your hand in front of everyone else.

I bet my bank account that this will not be the last words I write for you. In fact, my next post is probably still going to be about you.

Now, I just need to wait for these flashbacks to stop. Too many things remind me of you.

It’s going to be a very long night :(

This is not easy for me.

I just read something that made my heart sink. I stumbled across letters from a girl for a boy. Now, he has already moved on but, it seems at first glance, that she is either reluctant to do so or, quite plainly put, can’t.

What really said something to me was that these letters of hers were not of anger or sorrow but of love. It was not the whiny teen boppy kind of “WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME” letter. Though they are no longer together, I think she doesn’t see that as a reason to stop loving him. She isn’t in denial; she mentions that things are over and done with. I guess to her it doesn’t matter if her feelings are reciprocated.

I’m wondering if I could ever love that much. To be hurt and rejected so, and yet continue to love as if he had never broken my heart. Specifically, I’m wondering if I could, ever in this lifetime, love you as much.

Eeeee-mo.

Look, I know you’re scared. To be honest, I’m fucking terrified okay. I shouldn’t be but I am. I’m imagining the worst of things and I really don’t know what I’d do if my fears were confirmed. I mean, I’m so afraid that one day, this perfect little world I’ve created will just disappear and then I’ll be left with nothing more than a bad rep and some very cold shoulders. What the fuck do I do then?

I’m hoping for the best and I really am trying my best to stay calm and be strong. We can’t just give in because the circumstances give us hell. The fact is that keeping up this act of composure is slowly but surely eating away at my peace of mind. I find myself often drained at the end of the day and it’s not just fatigue. It’s this weird kind of hollow feeling which then morphs into this feeling of hopelessness and confusion, as is being displayed here.

I want to do so much, but at the same time, I know it’s just not possible in my current position. What I want to accomplish is something so simple and yet its still out fo my reach. And that is what sucks the most because all I’m trying to do is make you happy.

 

*Tag : Fictional.

This is for Alex Lee Kah Fai.

Why the fuck did you not tell me you were off to Canada for God knows how fucking long? Seriously dude. Not cool.

Don’t get shot or anything. I mean Canada isn’t America, but you never know. You need to come back able-bodied and in one piece so I can give you a tight slap without feeling bad about it.

OMG SERIOUSLY WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME? I’M SO HURT. Not kidding.

Urgh. I’m mad. And I’m not going to talk to you for the rest of this month.

ARRRRRRRRGGGHHH!

 

 

 

I’m going to miss your stupid face :( I didn’t even get to say goodbye.

OH, COOL!

That last post was at 3.33am!

Yes, just like acronyms sharing the same amount of alphabets, this amuses me.

omg,

Why am I so weird? :s

Oh well. Nothing I can do about it now.

Goodnight world.

Cats meow, dogs bark, pigs squeal. And what about rabbits? No, they definitely don’t purr.

All is well. Actually, all is good (today at least). Just found out that classes only resume next Monday. That’s perfect ‘cause now I don’t have to juggle between my current production and college. Awesome the fucking possum.

“The ex” has resumed torturing me. I can never sleep well after his constant phone calls. Seriously, it’s fucking unhealthy and I just wish he would go the fuck away. Why is it so hard for him to understand that I don’t want to have anything to do with him anymore? Anyways, I was venting and my friend gave me an example of a perfectly diplomatic way of getting him to stop… ish.

This is my modified version of the text:

Please, ex-boyfriend who shall not be named on my public blog, I really do not feel for you and I moved on a long time ago. I do hope you can respect that. If you say you love me, you'd do this for me. And please, these phone calls need to stop. Really. I’m sorry to say this, but I just really can’t pretend to be your friend again. I wish you all the best.

Of course, I haven’t actually said all of this to him yet. The calls have stopped for now and I'm praying it’s for good. But if he calls again, that is all I will say to him. And if this fails,

I shall lie and tell him that my current boyfriend is not pleased.

I’ve already lied to him once by stating that I’m involved with someone. Maybe I should just force feed him the lie that I’m not available at all and that my ‘boyfriend’ is a macho son of a gun? Arggggh. Whatever. I’m just trying to leave the past where it is; I do not need him digging it up all.over.again.

THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS, BELINDA. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!

After all, progress is being made in other areas of your life and today has been good. Don’t dwell on this stupid boy when there are so many other things to celebrate!

…Ok. I think I’ve vented enough for now.

gosh, i do very much so love my blog.

The kids have got it right.

She loves sitting in the car on a rainy day. She loves to watch the rain pitter and patter down the windshield. She chooses a droplet and follows its track, down and to the left and to the right until it hits the bottom of the windshield. Sometimes, when it rains a little heavier, the droplet merges with another, and another one until it becomes a steady stream. She doesn’t like tracing those. She loves the solitary droplet, just making its way through a maze of other somewhat similar raindrops. I don’t know why she likes tracing single droplets and not streams. Maybe because she’s not unlike a solitary droplet. Always alone and always dodging what comes next.

On other days, when droplets don’t grab her attention, she just closes her eyes and listens to the faint sound of raindrops landing on the car. When she feels like it, she taps the dashboard in rhythm with the sound of the falling rain. She loves the rain but I can’t understand why. However, I love looking at her when she’s like this.

There’s no conflict. No thought, no hesitation to it. When it rains, she foregoes everything else. No masks, no walls, no hiding. She’s no more that girl who rushes from here to here, who closes off at the sign of trouble. There’s no more apprehension; she’s just a child innocently chasing raindrops.

Something interesting happened to me today.

I was on tumblr looking through the posts on my dashboard. Searching for things to reblog mostly. Things I reblog often mirror my own traits and likes and all that (individualism) jazz.

So anyway, as I was scrolling down, I saw this very nice photo of a girl covering her face with the hands. It looked like she was covering her face in shame that kinda thing. And since I’d been feeling rather in the dumps lately, the photo did reach out to me. I was about to click reblog when I saw the photo directly below it.

I decided to reblog this one instead. See, it’s curious isn’t it; if this photo had turned up a little lower down in the page, I would have probably reblogged the photo of the girl and then only have reblogged this one.

OK, maybe it isn’t that interesting.

It’s just that, this little thing made me decide to make today a good day. And to at least try to be positive. And to stop all this self-doubt and insecurity. And just stop the whole “i’m never going to be good enough” idea of life.

When I think about it, I am pretty fucking awesome actually. I’m sure some of you nay-sayers will disagree (duhhhh). But whatever it is, I’m going to try to take that step towards enjoying who i am. ‘Cause like I said, I’m pretty fucking awesome.

Only in some areas, of course :)